


The Weight of Soldier's Resolve

by kumokubo



Category: Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII Series, Final Fantasy XIII-2, Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Avoidant Personality Disorder, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Trauma, matured for later smut, post LR, slight AU ?, the typical 'what if the love of your life disappeared out of nowhere' kind of fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-11 23:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7911733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kumokubo/pseuds/kumokubo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She had a talent for quick-thinking and keeping her eyes forward even in the toughest of situations. But she was human. And she had been struggling for a long, long time. It was all over now; her old life had returned inevitably to haunt her. Be it the next morning or years in the future, her fate was sealed.<br/>Hope Estheim would find her.<br/>And find her he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Close

_"We'll be together"._

White fire scorched the edges of Hope's vision as he felt himself thrown into nothingness. Having been holding Lightning's hands as if they were a lifeline merely moments ago, his hands felt cold and numb, fingers sprawled, grasping for something that wasn't there as he was ripped from his existence and hurled into oblivion. _We'll be together. I'm not going to lose you again. I will find you._

God was dead. Humanity had been liberated at the hands of the Saviour. Everything, the lives of all lost and those yet to begin, the altruisms and spirit of their very existence, hung suspended in wait of the dawn of the New World. For eternity, or perhaps only the waning crescent of a single moment, there was nothing. But then in a dizzying, blurry flash of awakening, reality was upon him. Nerves ablaze in his body's attempt to adapt to his instantaneous rebirth, Hope's body immediately crumpled in on itself and he felt an acidic burning in his throat as a shriek choked it's way through his tormented body, only to be abruptly halted in his maw. The very existence around him squeezed and grated against his sensitive core, the very fibres of his being twisted as they tried to process the overstimulating sensations that were drowning him. Hope gasped, collapsed on the ground, writhing briefly in his unceremonious landing spot of a patch of gravel, drawing in strangled breaths. His eyes flitted about like a tormented animal as he wheezed and gurgled, esophagus constricting visibly as he fought to catch his breath. Willing, begging internally for his debilitating panic to subside, the last coherent process his brain managed to perform was to register a pair of cerulean blue eyes boring into his very core, the light of vitality ablaze within their very soul. He felt compelled to reach out. He desperately willed his arms to stretch further, to grapple onto the body that fell just beyond his reach. And yet, his body did not respond or even move a single inch. His vision blurred as his eyes blistered, and Hope could feel the scalding heat that flared from his eyes as he wept silently, red hot tears falling freely off of his face. His eyes fell closed and he took several more ragged breaths before he promptly passed out, arms and fingers splayed out upon the earth, the ghost of a pacified smile gracing his worn lips.

-

It had turned out that the majority of humanity had experienced just as rocky of an introduction to their new world as Hope had. Vertigo, nausea, and confusion were all common experiences of the transition as the entirety of the human race was instantaneously deposited unto a new planet. There were many unlucky souls who had experienced rather unorthodox materialization. Humanity was quick to begin establishing their civilization, complete with news outlets. Reported had been the case of a man who had been transported right upon the base of an unstable cliff, which had crumpled under his weight moments after he had been deposited. He had promptly fallen to his death. Other stories recounted the tale of a woman whom had materialized far outside the radius of where the majority of humanity had ended up. Miraculously, she had traveled on her own until she came upon the beginnings of the New World civilization. She was taken into custody where she was administered potent intravenous fluids for her severe dehydration. It did not take long for border patrols to be set up, and the tasks of the Guardian Corps, Survey Corps, and Military Police Brigade were readily taken up again. As time went on, stragglers of the rebirth were picked up and escorted to the budding civilization, and the Survey Corps created maps and made recommendations for expansion. The police settled more domestic affairs between civillians. Humanity was progressing well.

Months had passed since Hope had awoken in the same spot he had fallen, the unconscious body of Lightning not but a few yards south of his landing spot. He had squatted in place for several minutes, catching his breath and taking note of his surroundings - he found himself in a small wooded clearing. The smell of saltwater bathed the air, and he couldn't help but note the similarity in landscape to that of Palumpolum. His head had throbbed, presumably due to having clonked it rather harshly on the ground in his previous moment of incapacitating vertigo, and yet he was all in one piece. He recalled stretching out his arms and flexing his fingers, one by one, testing their mobility; doing the same with his other arm, as well as with his legs and toes. He stood, stretched towards the blue of a midday Summer's sky, waving his arms towards the clouds. He studied the spot of his former l'Cie mark, and smiled warmly at his trademark yellow wristband which had loyally accompanied him on his arrival into the new world. He looked down upon himself, studying his attire. He wore his familiar green cargo pants and black shirt, as well as his beloved bandanna and yellow jacket. Hope frowned. He donned the clothes of a fourteen year old boy; clothes that fit against his lithe form a little too well for him to have grown much out of them. He barked out a dry laugh, more akin to a huff of disbelief. A thousand years and he was still regressed to the body of a child. One last parting gift from the late sadist Bhunivelze, no doubt.

Turning his attention back to the sleeping beauty that was Lightning Farron, he slowly - cautiously - walked forward on unsteady legs until he hovered over her. Hey hair was tousled and her bangs hung low in her face, stuck and dried to her forehead with a crust forming from the natural glue known as sweat. Her regularly pale, smooth skin was reddened where she lay in the hard, sandy gravel. With a complexion as pale as hers, it was no surprise her skin would be sensitive, however it was still a slight shock to see the warrior goddess looking so disheveled. _No_ , Hope corrected himself. S _he may be the Saviour, however she is still just as human as the rest of us._ Lightning had never quite been comfortable being referred to as any type of Goddess. He could almost hear her scoffing. _I'm no champion. I'm no Saviour. I'm no warrior goddess. I'm just me, doing what's right._

"Lightning. Lightning, please, wake up."

Now here he lay, many months later, upon his living room couch. Or, more accurately, his parents' living room couch. Although he had been an adult in his previous life, a one thousand year old adult at that, the New World still saw him as a young boy. The wise and noble academy leader was now just a fifteen year old kid, recently turned at that.

The Academy had been established in place of the government. Well-owned and reveled in the previous world, it was only a natural conclusion, one which the newly reborn members of humanity were in great support of. New laws were signed off, building permits established, and great progress was made in just the span of a few months. The technology of the new world, Earth as it was called, was greatly simplified compared to that of Nova Chrysalia; there was no magic, no flotation through graviton cores, not enough resources to create the glorious cyber cities of the old world. Yet they were making it work, much in part to the help of former director Hope Estheim. Former director was a rather frowned upon term, however. Hope kept close ties with the Academy and oversaw the majority of work, all in unspoken agreement that he was the true leader of operations - however, due to law, fifteen years was simply too young to allow Hope the position of director. He was recognized, rather, as the "director to-be".

It had been frustrating, at first, to be revered as a child. Hope had greatly outlived the majority of people. One thousand years of life was more than just a few lifetimes worth. Yet not all of the populous of the New World would have recognized him as a political leader when his appearance suggested him to be so young. Few would have believed his tale of eternal life; he would have been labeled delusional. Perhaps insane. Few remembered much of the Fal'cie and their tyrannical rule, or even Bhunivelze the corrupt God. Times in the New World were confusing. The people knew something unfathomable had happened. They knew of the Saviour who had validated their lost souls, the struggle that took place to create a world for them free of a malicious God. They knew how much had been at stake and the weight of the miracle that had allowed them to be graced with the chance for a new life in a new world. They were grateful, but in the end, only those directly involved could remember the full extent of the true story. The time of Fal'Cie and destructive Gods would be a time inevitably forgotten as generations passed. Hope, in a display of maturity which represented the authenticity of his true age, had accepted suspension from his position of Academy director. In the end, however, few could ignore or doubt his obvious gifts of genius in the field, and he closely interacted with all governing projects. He had restored his place in the world. He just needed to be patient.

He now lay upon the couch, banded arm resting upon his forehead as he wicked a bead of sweat away from his eyes. A few boxes and a suitcase lay patiently at the foot of the front door. He fiddled with a smartphone in his free hand, scrolling through his apps. The phone had been a model designed by none other than himself. Technology was quick to be rebuilt by the Academy due to the great knowledge they had retained from the previous world. Hope was a brilliant engineer, having built and designed the prototype of his phone in just two nights. It was now in mass production to go on the market - he utilized his own prototype. He rolled the design in his palm, admiring the sleek design, until he suddenly perked up at the sound of tired scuffing their way onto his driveway.

Miraculously, the New World in which they inhabited bore striking resemblance to the old. The fauna, the wildlife, they were all different, however not greatly so. It the end the settlements became heavily reminiscent of the old counterparts in the previous world. Hope's parents had taken up residence at the top of the valley hill in what was now called New Palumpolum. At least it didn't sound as silly as New New Bodhum. It gave the charming beachfront city the endearing kind of name it deserved, however.

Leaping off of the couch with unnecessary vigor, Hope sauntered over to the door, flinging the obstacle open with passion to reveal a certain rose-haired woman with her arm already up, hand clenched in a fist, right about to knock. She quirked her eyebrows and widened her eyes, just slightly, before her face returned to its default position of a slightly disgruntled looking neutrality. The lapse in expression had lasted just less than a heartbeat.

"Hiya Light!" Hope chirped, huffing as his fifteen year old boy arms lifted a box up onto the hilt of his suitcase. He was a lot less toned than what he had once been and he pushed aside in what he deemed to be an immature flicker of annoyance.

"Well, you're more prepared than I thought, I'll give you that." Lightning quirked an eyebrow once more, the faintest trace of an upward pull graced her lips. "Need some help with that?"

Hope pushed passed her, suitcase handle and box pressed against his body tight in one hand, two more boxes in another. He walked on shaky legs and Lightning popped the trunk of her little navy blue Corolla open for him, clumsily depositing the boxes haphazardly into the back of the trunk. He took a moment to rearrange his initial setup before hauling his suitcase up to join the rest of his things. He took a deep breath and exhaled, wiping his forehead once more, suddenly self-conscious of whether or not he was sweating heavily. That would probably be gross. He smiled sheepishly at her.

"Nah, I got it, see?" He closed the door of the trunk, however perhaps slightly too delicately as it stayed slightly ajar. He opened the door again and shut it a little bit harder, the door slamming with a crisp noise and finally staying shut. Lightning rolled her eyes as Hope turned and climbed into the passenger seat.

"Your parents home? Not even gonna say goodbye?" Lightning flopped lazily into the driver's seat, turning the ignition, clearly not phased enough that it would stall her from getting a move on. The little car started a little bit before roaring to life after a momentary pause. The radio blared and Hope startled, Lightning quickly turning down the volume. "Sorry. I listen to the radio loud when I'm alone."

He shrugged. "Dad's working and mom's out. I already said bye last night. Besides, I'll be coming over in a few days for dinner." Hope chuckled slightly. "The rule is that I have to visit them once every two weeks, in person. Oh, and I have to call twice a week."

Lightning began to back out of the driveway, applying no further commentary. Hope turned to her, eyeing her up and down with a confused look. Lightning glared at him from the corner of her eyes without turning to look.

"What?"

"You didn't put on your seat-belt. Seat-belts save lives, Light." The woman snorted in response, making no move to grab at her seat-belt.

Halfway down the residential road she pulled down the buckle and fastened it. She turned to him finally. "For you." She rolled her eyes and Hope grinned at her. Another pause. Finally she turned to him. "Cheers to moving out, Hope." She finally let loose a genuine smile, giving him a single firm pat on the shoulder. Hope smiled a big smile, rolling down his window and playfully pumping his fist out the window, whooping a few times. Lightning's eyes crinkled a bit at the corners as she watched him in his spirited moment.

"Cheers!"

-

Hope had been lucky that he had been reborn literally right next to Lightning. He could not have been happier. Sure, he wanted to find his parents, and he wanted to find the rest of his friends. But the feeling of being with Lightning filled him with security and hope. In their last thirteen days spent in the old world, he had been connected to her at all times. He watched her constantly. And yet, even then, he was not truly with her. He watched her through his own eyes as Bhunivelze had controlled his body. He, the real Hope, had only had the chance to briefly interact with her, to finally talk to her after centuries spent apart - centuries which he had spent looking for her, trying to find a way to bring her back to him - and it was to say goodbye. _We'll be together. I will find you_. The thought coursed through him, resonating deep within his very core. It had been a cruel parting. To be gifted to be born again in a world with her, let alone with her within arm's reach, was a blessing. He could feel the emptiness within his heart beginning to fade just at the sight of her. She was here and so was he. She was real. So long had he spent and in the end, he awoke to her in a proximity so close to him that he had wept tears so genuine that he had passed out. Goddess, she was here. He had done it. He had finally brought her home.

When she had asked him to move in with him, he had whipped his head around with eyes wide like two full moons. They had been standing in her kitchen - Lightning's home was a place he ended up rather often - she had a mouthful of banana bread, half chewed. She mirrored his expression, eyes widening, clearly startled that she had actually said what had come to her mind. Before he even knew what was happening, he had grappled onto her wrists and had shouted a very enthusiastic "YES!" right into her face. So enthusiastic in fact that it had blown a crumb clear off of her face, buffeted her hair, and her bangs fluffed out briefly before falling back into place. They spent an awkward moment being slightly too close, staring each other right in the face. Hope quickly let go of her hands and backed up a step, Lightning eyeing him, an unreadable expression on her face. He gulped audibly. She slowly turned and faced away from him.

"Well, ask your parents. With you in that body, it's ultimately their decision until you're considered 'old enough'", she paused briefly, "by law." She turned back to him, swallowing her mouthful finally, expression and face neutral.

"Wait... so... you're actually serious? You want me to live with you? What about Serah, or even Fang?" Hope was confused. Yes, he would love to live with Lightning. His pulse raced at the idea, much to his own dismay, and he quelled the thought train that was ready to depart in his mind. The desire to have her close was one that tortured him. After everything they had endured, he felt compelled to check up on her, to stay with her constantly. He hated to be apart from her. He feared what that meant but ultimately pushed it aside. He wanted - no, _needed_ \- to be close to her.

Lightning's eyes flashed with some hidden kind of emotion, and her voice was unusually clipped. "They can't. Serah is moving in with Snow and like Hell I'm sharing my living space with that massive oaf. Are you kidding? The fact that Serah can even... can even stand him is incredulous. Absolutely beyond me." She snorted. He had clearly stuck some hidden nerve. "And Fang and Vanille are living together. I'm not about to go third-wheeling on that." Her voice had softened. He narrowed his eyes, wondering why Lightning would sound so miffed by the thought of the engaged couple consisting of her sister and Snow living together.

Realization dawned on Hope. Serah was moving in with Snow, meaning Lightning would be all alone. He had gazed at her as she sat at her kitchen table, absentmindedly stabbing her slice of half-finished banana bread with a fork, looking far too intently at her own tablecloth, almost like she was seeing it for the first time.

"Are you afraid that you'll be lonely?" The words had slipped out of his mouth before he had even registered the complete thought. His eyes widened a bit at his own question, but he kept his tone and expression even. "Is that why you want me to move in with you, so you'll have someone to keep you company?"

Lightning chewed the inside of her cheek and didn't immediately reply. Hope marveled in the fact that he was privately witnessing a vulnerable moment with her, and he suppressed a shiver. She looked small, curled up and cross-legged at her table, and her eyes suddenly looked very tired. He wanted to pull her into his lap and stroke her dusted rose hair, hold her tight, kiss her temples and maybe even-

He realized he was staring too intently and looked away, mentally slapping himself. He couldn't think like that. This was Lightning! Saviour of Humanity, Etro's Champion, a near Goddess of War. She was his mentor, his friend, and he was a pillar of stability for her. Not to mention she was seven - no, five, he corrected himself - years older than him. At least in this world. Never mind that in the old world, he was actually far older than her. Oh, how the tables had turned, and then turned again. He could no longer comprehend the concept of time and aging. He smiled a half-smile, remembering the day he had found out that she had actually been nineteen, not twenty-one, on their l'Cie journey. He had been bewildered, the knowledge having meant so much to him at the time. He had been shocked that even after their journey had ended, she had kept up the facade. Hope had only found out from Snow, back when Chaos was destroying the world. She had lied about her age in order to join the Guardian Corps to take care of Serah. She was in fact only one year older than her younger sister. But now here they were again, their years once again relevant. The age difference was still there. He couldn't allow himself to see her in such a light. _Stupid teenage hormones_ , he chided himself, willing himself to believe that's all it was. He was just a teenager. That's all anyone could see him as. _But your thousand years say otherwise._

Lightning had looked up at him. She was staring at him somberly, before getting up. She had clearly said something, but he had missed it, humouring his stupid rambling train of thought that he could have sworn he had banished into the void instead of cherishing the time he finally had with her. He mentally kicked himself some more. _Stupid teenage hormones. Stupid, stupid, stupid._ He just nodded dumbly in response.

And yet now, in the present, he found himself standing under Lightning's doorway, bag and boxes in tow. She looked down at him, right into his eyes, and the height difference didn't go unnoticed. This time, he couldn't help the thread of annoyance that he had regressed into the body of a child. He was growing, yes, but not fast enough. He willed patience upon himself as is he were a synergist willing a buffing spell. He looked up to see that Lightning was smiling at him.

"Welcome home, Hope."

-

Living with Lightning gave Hope much insight about her that he otherwise never would have known. How she liked order, keeping the house consistently clean, scolding him when he left his utensils in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher. He learned how she took her coffee - strong and black with one sugar. He also learned just how much coffee she drank; two cups in the morning, one with breakfast and one as she got ready. And then she would pour the rest of the pot into a thermos and take it with her to work. Hope preferred green tea with his morning routine. Lightning left every morning at seven A.M on the dot, but Hope would soon wake to find each morning that she had left a teapot filled with hot water for him, teabag settled in. She had learned as well that he preferred his tea strong. It was comfortably domestic.  
They would both sleep in until nine A.M on weekends and enjoy breakfast together. Lightning was a decent cook, specializing in steak, however she was pretty good with bacon and eggs as well. Hope was more of a baker and would produce scones and tea cookies the night before, which they would enjoy at breakfast in a warm silence. They would run errands on weekends, do laundry, clean, and visit their friends. Most of all they would spend the time catching up on the events of the week; the developments of the new recruits Lightning would train at work, or the expansion plans of the Academy that Hope was developing.

Most notable to him, Hope had grown used to a side of Lightning he had never before seen - the Lightning that wore gray sweatpants around the house, a loose halter top and hair in a messy bun. She wore reading glasses and she would curl up in a blanket on their shared couch, reading a book. He had never before known that Lightning was far sighted, nor that she enjoyed reading. Goddess, she looked gorgeous in her glasses. He couldn't help but watch her move about her days spent at home from the corner of his eyes as he filed Academy paperwork. He couldn't help the way his pulse accelerated when she would catch him staring, lips pursed, eyes narrowed. He would look away and she would close her book, halt everything she was doing. She would then motion for him to come over.

Hope would hesitate, before sheepishly sulking over like a child whose hand had been caught in the cookie jar. She would pat at the spot beside her on the sofa and he would gingerly take his place next to her, chancing a peek towards her. She would remove her glasses, placing them off to the side on the coffee table. And then she would push his shoulders down towards her until he found himself resting his head in her lap. Hope would hardly dare to breath as she would gently rub through his silvery locks, but would eventually relax under Lightning's surprisingly delicate touch. And that's how they would stay, Lightning sitting comfortably on the sofa cross-legged, Hope gazing up as her through half-hooded eyelids. She would be watching him as well, lips cornered upwards in the beginnings of a smile as her free hand would thumb the side of his face, tracing his cheekbones and ghosting over his plush lips. She would rub his shoulders, stroke his arms and brush his hair out of his eyes. In was nurturing; it was intimate. It was a rare occurrence, but one that would last in his mind for weeks at a time, replaying the moment over and over in his head before falling asleep each night. The relaxing tug of her fingers through his hair, the warmth that emitted from her lap, the sweet smell of dusty rose and mint that was uniquely Lightning. "Tell me about your day, Hope." She would say, voice hardly above a whisper. And he couldn't help but shiver at the sweet tone of voice, so different than how she spoke to anyone else. Something about it made his heart thump wildly in his chest. The weighted situation gave him the overwhelming desire to reveal so much more to her than just the contents of his day.

To see Lightning so relaxed, so content, made Hope's heart throb in his chest. He would do anything to preserve what they had; what they had sought for so many years. It was finally here.

  
He was hopelessly in love.

But in the end, this was so much more than he could ever have asked for. He wouldn't dare spoil the intimacy of the moment by pursuing more; he was comfortable to let her set the pace. If nothing ever did progress, and all they would ever have was a beautiful, close friendship - then that would be that. He respected and loved her far too much. But Goddess, that didn't make him want it any less.

For now, Hope was contented, breathing out a soft sigh as his eyes fluttered closed, and he pushed his head further into her, nose resting below her belly button. For Lightning to allow him so close was an incredible display of trust and affection, and her soft sigh in return didn't go unnoticed. Hope smiled against the soft skin of her tummy, slightly exposed, unable to resist the gentle tug of sleep which came to wrap its welcoming embrace around him. He drifted into a peaceful doze to the theraputic feeling of her slender fingers tracing patterns up and down his neck.

As long as he had her close, he was at ease; he was happy. No Gods could separate them now.

_They would be together._


	2. Loss

Hope Estheim was a smart man. He should have known what was to come. Fate of circumstance was a priciple he knew well. He absolutely should have seen it coming.

And yet, he hadn't.

It was no secret that Lightning hadn't quite 'found her place' in the new world like he had. Or like Serah, Snow, Fang, Vanille, Sazh, and even little Dajh had.

It wasn't like she wasn't working. She had a job - the Guardian Corps had readily welcomed Lightning back into their ranks, promoting her to Lieutenant. She was the top of her rank, the best of the best, and she was well looked up to - and well paid, not to mention.

Hope sat at Lightning's and his kitchen table, teacup in hand. He was approaching his sixteenth birthday. Time flowed oddly on Earth, at least compared to how he felt it had back in the old world. He was much more aware of the passage of days, and he knew his life was finite in the New World. It wasn't that he wasn't happy with how long he had lived. He had lived over ten times that of the average human, and then some; he had even returned to his youth. No, it wasn't that. It was more that he was well aware that his time spent with Lightning was finally measured and limited. It felt selfish to want more time, especially given the circumstances of how much he had already been given. But all he wanted in his last hundred or so years was to be with her.

Across from him, Lightning sipped red wine. Her face was flushed red and her ears tinged pink, and if that wasn't a dead giveaway to her current state of mind, then the fact that she was giving away far too much personal information was a clear indicator to Hope that she was beyond tipsy, perhaps bordering on drunk. He held his hands clasped together under his chin, head tilted slightly, listening to her. Yes, she may have been out of it, dazed and far too open for her usual reserved nature, but Hope wasn't about to pass up the chance to get to know her better. Even getting to know her while she was piss out of her mind.

"It's just all so trivial." Lightning thumbed the rim of her glass and looked up at him, an unreadable yet pained expression painted on her face. His heart sank as he looked into her eyes, tired and sombre. "I can't get used to any of this. We saved the world. I should be happy, but I'm not." She took another sip of the wine. "You know what it's like, don't you? ...I know you do, Hope."

He looked at her, half-startled. He sipped his slightly too hot tea to try and distract his sudden discomfort. The liquid scorched his throat and caused him to sputter and choke slightly. "Yes... I suppose I do." Lightning paused, considering this.

"You know what it's like to have been to Hell and back," she drawled on, "fighting for the world, fighting for everyone you love. In the end, we did it. The world was saved! But that's just it. Here we are now. Everything is fine. Too fine. Nothing happens. Yet I have had my mind, my emotions, my very being stripped from me. I've spent lifetimes away from my family. Desperately trying to save this world. It was all so much." Lighning drew in a sharp breath. "And yet... And yet no one remembers. I have nightmares every night. I'm scared all of the time, even though it's all over now. It's been over a year. But in my head, it's still happening. Sometimes I smell a certain smell, or see a view out on patrol that reminds me of the Ark - or of Valhalla. And then I'm back." She paused, swallowing thickly, before whispering - so lowly, Hope would have missed it had he not been focusing intently on her words.

"I'm trapped, and I can't get out."

She was staring at nothing in particular and Hope swallowed. He knew the feeling she was describing. He stared at his hands which were clasped tightly in his lap. He had been to therapy and to several psychologists, had been prescribed antidepressants as well as anti-anxiety pills. Hope had never quite believed in taking medication, but it helped him to get by. It helped him to keep his eyes forward instead of reliving his past. His sessions were confidential and he knew the care professionals weren't supposed to judge him. But the way they looked at him when he recounted Bhunivelze, the years he spent looking for Lightning, the feelings of being controlled, he could feel it. He could feel the fear. He could feel the judgement and unsaid words: Obsessed. Control-freak. Abusive. No one else knew of the tyrannical God's possession of his body. No one even knew who he or the Saviour were. Only those directly involved regained their most intimate memories. Hope felt sometimes almost as if his memories were all false, and it scared him. His therapists had been kind, yet eventually he stopped going; talking to strangers about it only made it worse. He quit his sessions, leaving his diagnosis of PTSD and a dissociative disorder in his wake.

It was sickening, the fact that he couldn't escape any of it. Here he was in the new world, but he could still hear Bhunivelze in the back of his mind. Commenting on things he was doing. Making snarky remarks about him, his peers, the whole world. Hope was still tormented in his dreams, still lost his breath at the sight of rose-coloured hair, still woke every morning in a panic that he were on the l'Cie journey, or that he was going to be assassinated, or that Lightning and all of his friends were dead, or-

Hope shook himself, forcing in a troubled breath. He shut his eyes. Worst of all, he still woke from his dreams screaming and thrashing about, Lightning by his side, the faintest sign of tears in her eyes as she would try to rouse him. It must have hurt her to see him like that. He would awaken, unknowing of the wicked light in his eyes. He would see her and scream further. _Get away from me._ She would shake her head backing away too, and eventually, he would come to. He would see her. And he would apologize. _I'm so sorry. I couldn't see you. I'm so sorry._ She would gulp and nod. Sometimes hug him. She didn't feel it quite the way he did. Lightning didn't wake screaming and thrashing from night terrors. She held her own, standing tall over her trauma. She was strong. She was Lightning.

But he knew what she was feeling. They were the same.

Lightning was looking at him. He took a deep breath.

"I... I know how you feel." Hope furrowed his brow, trying to think of what to say. "But it's as you say. It's not happening anymore. I know it sounds stupid and obvious but I'll remind you over and over again if it will put your mind at ease. But, please know, Light... It's over now."

Lightning looked up at him. Her eyes were hollow - the eyes of a person who had seen far too many things. She nodded once and Hope tried to produce a comforting smile for her. The corners of her mouth twitched slightly.

"I feel... I feel so alone, Hope. But... I'm glad you understand. Thank you." A single tear ran down one of her cheeks. She looked straight down at the table, never meeting his gaze.

Pain tore through Hope as he felt his heart lurch. The overwhelming need to comfort her ripped through him, but he forced himself to stay put. He needed to evaluate. The desire to let her know of his feelings, the extent of how hard he looked for her, fought for her, made him feel slightly ill. To be within her presence was enough. He was so, so blessed to have found her again. To be with her again. He wanted to tell her everything. But he couldn't. Now wouldn't have been the time.

But Goddess Etro, did he love her. And it broke him to see her so lost.

To his complete and utter shock, Lightning stood up, sauntering over to him. Even in her drunken state, she was extremely coordinated, placing one foot in front of the other with expertise and little swaying. He stood, preparing to steady her just in case. But she took one step further and suddenly her body was flush against his, so close he could feel her breasts pressing into his chest. He had grown, he noted, as he looked into her eyes which were levelled off with his. He could see the alarm and confusion written all over his face in the reflection of her blue eyes, and he swore he would be able to count her eyelashes if he wanted to. She was close enough that he could taste the alcohol on her breath and see a very slight, thin scar that travelled horizontally under her eye that he never otherwise would have noticed. He was about to step back when suddenly lips were on his.

Hope took a moment, maybe two moments, to process what was happening. Not until Lightning's lips had shifted, parting slightly, and her head had tilted did he register the weight of the situation. Her lips were soft, if a bit chapped, and the contact was electrifying. He could feel a shiver moving through his spine, and his chest exploded and his breath hitched in disbelief when he applied pressure back onto her lips with his own. Hope felt his legs wobble slightly as she responded by lifting her toned arms to reach around his head, one wrapped delicately around his shoulders, the other ruffling into his hair to keep him steady.

He felt himself pushed backwards into the wall and he gasped, surprised and bewildered. Lightning took the opportunity to snake her tongue against the length of his, light and controlled, and he felt another shiver wrack his body as butterflies flitted and danced within his abdomen. The raw taste of her was drowned out by the sour taste of alcohol, and Hope experimentally fitted his tongue around hers, hoping to draw out the true taste. She tilted her head further, pushing into him, and he finally took the chance to bring his arms up to her sides, running one of his hands down past her breast to hold into the small of her back. She bit his bottom lip and he felt a fresh shiver coursing through his body. He felt light headed and dizzy and almost wondered if it was possible to pass out from too many butterflies. She suckled the sore skin gently and briefly before capturing his lips again in hers, before pulling away completely. Almost as soon as it had started, it was over, and Hope felt cold in the places she had just been. His face was flush and his lips were still parted as she moved back looking him in the eyes. Her lips were puffy and ravished and she somehow looked even more red than before. He wondered if that was possible. She walked calmly over towards the couch before promptly flopping over onto her belly and passing out instantaneously.

He touched his fingers to his lips and swallowed. The taste of alcohol remained on his tongue. "I love you," he breathed, before sliding down the wall, fingers still pressed to his lips, as Lightning began to snore.

In the end, Hope had missed the entire point. The words briefly flashed again in his mind, but were gone and forgotten nearly immediately.

_I'm trapped, and I can't get out._

-

Hope awoke with a start. His eyes locked onto the ceiling, then the wall, scanning. He sat up abruptly, turning his head. He searched around frantically in his room, almost as if he were looking for something that wasn't there. He was in his room in Lightning's house - No, his house. He ripped the covers off of himself with slightly too much force and was blasted with a chill as the cool air of the room hit his sweat-soaked body. He got up on unsteady feet, blinking rapidly at his watering eyes where tears lingered in the corners.

A dream. It had been a dream. And a cruel one at that. The man sighed deeply, eyes quickly growing accustomed to the gloom he found himself surrounded in. He touched his fingers to his lips where Lightning had kissed him. Just as he had done six years ago, standing in the kitchen as Lightning had slumbered on the couch. The last time he, or anyone, had ever seen her.

Six years was a lot of years. Not as many as a thousand, but time was different in the New World. Limited. And that's how long Lightning had been gone. Six years. Hope held his head in his hands. It had been a while since he had thought about Lightning.

Sometimes she would briefly pass by in his thoughts. He would remember when this house used to be occupied by another, when the heat of another person accompanied him on the couch rather than a stack of papers. Back when they would go for walks together, car rides, when they would practice fencing, self defense. When he would describe his newest project and show her the prototype designs of his work and she would give him one of her most genuine smiles as she pretended to listen. A smile that was only reserved for him. He almost wondered if it all hadn't been a figment of his imagination; if Lightning Farron had never truly existed in the first place. If his brain had conjured her up as a coping method to deal with his traumatic life experiences.

But that was back when he hadn't thrown himself into his work without a single care or thought for his own well-being. It just didn't matter anymore. If only she could see him now. He was another person, made anew - barely human - closer to a zombie than a living being.

He could never truly forget her. Not her, not Lightning. Not after the hell they had been through. And they had succeeded in rebuilding the world, they were finally together, with all of their friends, with all of their family. And now she was gone. No one knew where.

Hope slumped back down onto his bed, finding himself unable to focus on anything but the door. A plain white door, never repainted, only the knob showed wear. He stared intently, half expecting that knob to twist and the door to open. Half expecting Lighting to be on the other side, smiling at him. One of those special smiles. He missed those smiles. After several moments of assuring himself that no one was going to come barging through the door and that the very idea was extremely implausible, he stood once more, moving towards his dresser. He began opening the drawers, shifting through them before shoving them back into place crossly. He desperately wanted to find something, anything. A memory piece filled with sentiment to prove that it had been real. That she had been real. Not just the phantom once more.

At the thought his movements stilled and he sat, crouched, like a statue. He didn't move for several moments, then stood abruptly, swiftly exiting the room. This was not the time. He needed to stop right now. He shook his head, begging his own mind to spare him the despair.

Where could Lightning have gone?

-

It was public knowledge that Claire, "Lightning" Farron had disappeared six years ago, seemingly right off the face of the Earth. It had happened before, in the old world. Yet this was the New World now. There were no more Gods, save for Yeul who watched over life and death. There were no Fal'Cie, no impending crises relating to the onslaught of chaos. There was no possible way. There were no oracle drives that could possibly determine the whereabouts of Lightning. There was nothing.

It had started off simple.

Lightning had one night not come home after her shift with the Guardian Corps. It was no big deal, it was in fact quite common. Lightning liked time to herself, she was rather introverted. While Hope was lucky to be allowed into her space and not be deemed as a nuisance even during her most reclusive times made him very unique. Lightning would even push away Serah at times. But even Hope knew she liked her alone time and didn't think much of it. The next day was the same, and unease prickled beneaths Hope's skin, but he let it go. By the third day he called Serah, who hadn't heard a word from her wayward sister.

Hope had called the office of the Guardian Corps, asking the status of Lieutenant Farron. The desk operator knew Hope well for the times he had escorted Lightning home and that the boy was her roommate. The desk operator was shocked, stating that she had left her notice of leave weeks ago and she had stopped coming in for over a week. They thought he had known. Alarm began to grip him from the inside as he called all of their friends, same result. He waited an entire sleepless night for Lightning to come back before calling the police. Lightning had vanished seemingly without a single trace. Even her phone was found to be left at home. It had been thoroughly searched with no results and eventually returned to Hope. He and his friends wondered if she had been abducted, if someone had somehow figured out who she truly was. The thought was dismissed however. Lightning could hold her own. There was no possible way.

Hope had been frantic. They tried for weeks, months, all of them, searching for Lightning. They all visited neighbouring cities, even travelling great distances to try and find any single lead they possibly could. There was nothing. No evidence. No trail.

To say Hope was a mess was an understatement. There were times when he would leave work for days on end to stay home and sit on the sofa, waiting. Waiting to see if she would come home and wander through the door. She would say something like ' _sorry, I was off on a mission. I didn't want you to worry._ ' No such day came. He held out the belief that she would come back. Seven months in he broke down, and he broke down hard. He had wept violently on his shower floor, water beating down upon him, gripping his hair from both sides - clenching his fists so hard his knuckles whitened and his scalp screamed from the ache of the pull. And he had begged to a God that no longer existed except within his very own core to bring her back. _God, please, oh Goddess Etro, oh God Bhunivelze, bring her back_. His body was beaten from the force of his sobs, and he screamed into his own lap, a strangled and hoarse cry. A bead of blood dripped from his nose at the pressure being put against his head from his very own force. His body was giving up from the stress and Hope was no longer able to contain his anguish. The tears fell freely from his face as he choked out his pained cries, head craned back towards the ceiling, the bags underneath his eyes reminiscent of sickly bruises. He couldn't stop the greivance that ripped it's way out of his throat in the form of a tormented wail that wouldn't slow or halt. It tore through his body like a jagged blade, ripping through all in its path, until the sound dripped into its strangled decresendo, and Hope was left alone in the wake of all of his regrets. Tired and defeated, he fell unto his side, the water beating into his nude, tormented body.

He just wanted to move on. His life was finite. He had searched for her his whole life. He fought as a l'Cie in the light of her radiance. It had fueled him to keep going. When Lightning disappeared into Valhalla, he spent years trying to find a way to bring her back to him. God had sought him out for the nature of his intense feelings for Lightning. In the end, Bhunivelze had taken advantage of his unconditional love for her, taking control of him. He had once promised to protect her. _Keep your eyes front, I'll watch the rear_. He never had taken that promise lightly. And in the end, he had failed. He had lost her. He owed it to her to move forward. The price of his failure is that he no longer had a right to be a part of her life. But she always, always, ended up back on his mind. He wanted to forget. But he could never forget her. No, not Lightning.

-

"Serah?" Hope had began.

The woman looked at him. The resemblance to her sister made Hope's heart shrivel like a prune.

"What is it Hope?" She smiled sweetly at him as she bounced her newest baby in her lap. Snow and Serah were a family of four; themselves as well as two daughters. Claire, the elder, was five years old. Lumina, the the two year old, squealed with delight as Serah tickled her. Hope couldn't help but smile at the scene, wondering what kind of parent Lightning would have made. His eyes watered at the thought, which didn't go unnoticed by the younger Farron.

"Hope, what is it? Is everything alright?"

In the background, chatter was heard throughout the NORA house as Snow and Fang arm wrestled, Vanille cheering on her girlfriend and laughing in her high pitched manor at the struggle Snow was desperately trying to put up. Fang was tough. Sazh was pouring drinks for Yuj and Maqui, while Dajh was playing with Claire and her action figures in a big-brother sort of way. He was a sweet kid. Claire had the personality of a young Lightning, and beheaded the action figure Dajh had by ripping its head out of the socket. "You died. I win!" Dajh looked only slightly mortified, kudos to him.

Serah began scolding Claire to play nicer and Hope sighed.

It was a common event for the NORA house to hold reunions, if a once-a-week reunion counts as such. It was good to see everybody, especially in his state, but today Hope felt especially weary.

"Nevermind, it's... nothing. Sorry, Serah."

Serah pouted and turned her attention back to him. He couldn't help but smirk internally at the thought of Lightning pulling some of the same facial expressions as her sibling. "Nonsense. Hope, I know you. You've been fidgeting all day. What's bugging you?" Serah looked at him, genuine worry clouding her gaze. Hope sighed, giving in.

"Do... do you ever wonder where Lightning is? Like, do you think she's still out the somewhere?" The chatter in the house abruptly stopped, and a few heads turned to look at him. Hope gulped. How had everyone heard that? The only noise to break the silence was the sound of a thunk, and then Snow's oblivious voice as he shouted "YES! I won! I won against Fang! Ten points for Cocoon two point oh!" Snows cheerful and triumphant laughter bellowed through the empty house and a few moments later, the chatter piped up again, softer this time around. Serah, however, was looking at him as if she had just been slapped. She composed herself by looking away sheepishly, bringing her hand to her mouth briefly, and then looked back at him. Her expression was soft.

"Oh... Hope, have you been thinking about her again?"

He didn't reply.

It was more or less known by all that Hope Estheim was in love with Lightning Farron, right from day one. More than just in love; it was something beyond even that. The two had shared a bond unlike anyone had ever seen. Hope had been doing well, at least up until a repressed memory had pushed it's way forward through his defenses in the form of a dream. Hope couldn't remember the last time he had a nice, decent, peaceful dream. He wondered sometimes if he ever had. It was hypothesized that Lightning had left of her own accord, but no one discussed this around Hope. The thought broke him. To think that for all of their closeness, she would get up and leave without saying a single word, not to him, not even to Serah, was unthinkable. Lightning wouldn't do that. She couldn't do that to him. He trusted her. He trusted where she had ended up and believed she would find a way home. It didn't make the pain any better however. Maybe she was still out there. Maybe she was trying to come home. Maybe, somehow, she was stuck and couldn't and needed his help. Maybe she wasn't dea-

"Hope!" Serah's voice cut into his train of thought. He looked at her, startled. Serah's eyes were wide. "That's the third time I've said your name. Are you okay?" Serah was clearly concerned, but all Hope could muster up the strength to do was shrug. It was rude. It was passive. It was unlike him. He couldn't meet her eyes, and Serah sighed.

"Hope. It's been six years. Six years! I thought... I thought you were finally letting go. What happened? What made you bring her up again?"

"Maybe... maybe we just didn't look hard enough?" Hope trailed off. He was lost in thought and clearly hadn't heard a word that Serah had said. For all of the patience in the world that the younger Farron possessed, Lightning was still a sensitive topic. Serah sighed a troubled sigh, suddenly looking very tired. Her shoulders sagged and she slumped back in her chair, clasping her hands together tight at her knees.

"Please, Hope. Please try not to think about it." Serah's voice was strained through her forced smile. She looked worn down right to the bone. Hope felt guilt crawl in under his skin like venom.

"I'm sorry, Serah." Hope forced out a dry smile. "Really, I am. I... I shouldn't have brought it up. I've just been feeling very tired lately. I probably just need some rest." It wasn't entirely a lie, he thought as he forced himself to stand. He steadied his voice. "Thank you so much for having me but I should probably get some much needed rest." He laughed awkwardly. Serah looked almost relieved and Hope felt infinitely worse as he made for the door.

"No problem Hope. I really hope you feel better. Come back soon, okay? Don't be a stranger!" She smiled at him with a mix of genuine warmth and sadness. Hope hardly registered the stimuli on the way out; Snow waving, Vanille whimpering about how she had wanted to catch up with him more and that he had to stop by more often. Hope felt the bond to them just as strongly, but he couldn't quite fathom how often they wanted to hang out. Granted, he hadn't always been so reclusive. He sighed, beginning the trek home. He reflected on the outing. For a long time, Hope's inability to let go of Lightning had troubled all of the former l'Cie, making their acceptance of her disappearance harder to move on from. While they all strove to move forward, Hope lingered. He couldn't forget. He couldn't get over her. There was far too much; they had far to much to just let it go to waste.

Hope arrived home after the short walk, unbuttoning his jacket and tossing his scarf somewhere onto the floor. He hadn't always been a slob. A lot of things had changed in six years. He needed a plan; a solution to this slump. Sighing, the spark of an idea came to him. The final straw. He climbed the stairs of the small home, once having belonged to him and Lightning, and found himself in front of her door. He never, ever went into Lightning's room. He hesitated in front of the knob, collecting himself. He had to do this. He was putting all of his faith and his future in this one simple task. The task that would determine whether he hold out hope or move on with his wreck of a life. He breathed in, twisting the doorknob and entering the room.

The smell hit him like a punch to the gut. Just like her, in more ways than one. Hope smiled at his own joke, entering the room, heart thumping wildly in his chest. Everything was untouched. Even the unmade bed had been left to itself. There was only minimal dust in the room; there was none to be collected when the room was always uninhabited, the door always closed, blinds always drawn. Everything was the same, and Goddess Etro did it hurt. Hope was tempted to stop and reminisce but pushed forward towards his goal; he had a purpose. He stepped gingerly towards Lightning's dresser, opening a specific drawer - the top left. Her clothes lay amuck within and Hope stifled a gasp, his heart lurching. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea. But he wanted - no, he _needed_ to know. He dug through the drawer quickly as if its contents were viciously acidic until he met his mark and drew forth an old cell phone. He smiled sadly. The make was his very own. Lightning had been so happy he would build her a personalized phone, the programming tailored just to her needs, the design fit just to her. He shook his head to clear the thoughts. It wasn't the time.

After Lightning's disappearance, for four years straight, Hope had kept the phone charged at all times, just in case she might ever call it. He would search it for any kind of secret clues he could have missed, he practically picked it apart piece by piece and put it back together, but never found anything. And now, two years later, the battery was dead. It had been for a while now. Eventually Hope had given up on the cell phone and placed it in Lightning's room where he willed himself to never again touch it. There was no sense in keeping the phone on when no messages or calls had ever been received since Lightning's disappearance. And yet here he was, once again plugging the phone into its charger. It was sickeningly nostalgic.

For a moment, nothing happened. And then the phone lit up. Hope smiled, priding himself on creating technology that would last so long. Here was the proof. The phone displayed a charging bar. The satisfaction was brief as it was replaced by anticipation as he pressed another button and the phone began to start up as it normally would. Hope held the device in his hands as if it were a sacred, delicate crystal. _Nothing is going to be there. Nothing is going to happen._ And yet he still foolishly hoped.

The home screen had popped up. Hope looked down, hardly daring to breath.

There was a single text message from an unknown number, dated two years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaAAAND HERE'S WERE SHIT TAKES OFF ON ITS WAY TO THE FAN! PREP YOUR ASSES FOLKS TIME TO DIE as usual I welcome any nature of feedback 8'D;;


	3. Tenacity

Hope wasted no time in opening that God forsaken text. _Goddess Etro help him_. The message popped up and he willed his trembling hands to hold the device steady in his grasp.

_i really liked this phone. this was a damn good phone. if you find this phone please give it back to me by calling this number. thanjjkks_

Hope stared at the message as if it were a monument written in holy script. He reread it. And read it again, paying special attention to the misspelling 'thanjjkks'. The whole message was completely out of character. Lightning had been known for her short, blunt texts consisting of one word replies. Not only that, but he couldn't believe she would ever make such a blatant typo and send it anyways. Could this have been Lightning? Was it a fluke? What this some kind of cruel prank?

Hope wasted no time in typing the number into his own phone. This was not the time for a thorough analysis of some crudely written text. He needed answers immediately. He was hesitant to call from Lightning's phone. It perplexed him why he couldn't help but satisfy a nagging feeling in his gut that she might recognize the number and panic. But why would she? He didn't entertain the thought and punched in the number in record timing. His hands were clammy and he shook as he held the phone up to his ear. The familiar dial sounded. And the phone rang. And rang. And rang some more. Hope cursed silently under his breath, willing someone, anyone to pick up. He tuned back in and was met with silence. He realized with a start that the phone had been picked up on the other end. Had she already said hello? Was this a trap? How long had the line been up for? Did she know who he w-

"Is anyone there or not?" Hope nearly choked on his own spit and his breath caught in his throat. The sarcastic and familiarly rough voice had jostled him out of his thoughts.

The voice was unmistakably Lightning. Hope could hardly breathe. He had one thousand years of life experience and yet none of it could have prepared him for this. _Idiot! You need to say something before she hangs up and blocks the number and you can never talk to her again or something else stupid and ridiculous like that!_

"Uh... Yes." Hope mentally kicked himself. And kicked himself again. Was that the best he could come up with? Hope Estheim the Academy director, the leader of an entire civilization of people in more than just one lifetime. He had been reborn for this. Yet, with Lightning Farron, the love of his life and bane of existence who had been missing for six years on the other end of the line, he couldn't think. This was all too surreal. He had finally succeeded in contacting her by circumstantial chance. _Six years. Six years. Six years!_

"Alright, who am I speaking to?" She huffed impatiently and Hope's breath caught again. He forced himself to gulp in a big huff of air. "I don't have time for this. If you have nothing to say then I'm going to hang u-"

"Wait!" Hope cut her off. "My name... I... Light, it's Hope."

He was met with complete silence on the end of the line. Hope simultaneously wanted to scream, wanted to hurl his phone at the wall, and wanted to beg for her not to hang up. But he couldn't. The silence drew on, thick, as if it could be cut through with a knife, as if it could bury a bullet within its depths, never to be withdrawn again.

Finally she spoke. "Hope." It wasn't a question. It wasn't even acknowledgement. She was simply repeating him. He could not determine the nature of her tone of voice. He was beginning to panic.

"Y-yes... Hope Estheim. Academy director and s-"

"I know who you are." She was the one cutting him off now.

"Oh." More silence. He felt like it was suffocating him and he almost wished it would.

"Hope." She spoke his name once more, softer this time. As if she were thinking. Pondering. Judging his motive. Perhaps... remembering?

"Light, I know this is-" He halted abruptly. The line was blanking.

She had hung up. He didn't dare to breathe.

He didn't know why he was holding his breath, and yet he was. He continued to do so as he gripped the blanking phone in his hand. The call had lasted one minute and seventeen seconds. The unfamiliar number with the bizarre area code stretched out on the screen in front of him. He finally released his breath, heavy and trembling. He continued to stare at the number. Some kind of gut-feeling intuition told him she wasn't about to call him back.

None of his questions had been answered. If anything, he had infinitely more than before. Why had she texted? Why did she leave? Where was she? Was she okay? Why hadn't she-

Hope steadied himself, forcing himself to take a deep breath. There were too many things he needed to know and no way to receive any answers. He observed his watch; 6:17 P.M. He eyed the space around him wearily. He was still in Lightning's room; the surroundings were blurring and he realized his eyes were watering heavily.

He forced in more breath. Over and over, he willed himself to keep breathing. Slowly his pulse began to return to a resting pace.

_Lightning._

A long turned off switch flickered on within him, and Hope stood and exited the room with more resolve than he had been capable of mustering up in years.

_Lightning Farron._

-

Hope stared absent-mindedly out of the window of the train car, watching the scenery pass. He rested his chin upon his palm and gazed at the passing vineyards and roaming hills through hooded eyes. Lightning had put some serious distance on her old life. Even via high speed bullet train, the trip to Noveau Bresha would last seven hours. He had completed two of those seven already, but found the time dragging on as he anticipated his arrival towards the wayward city, rebuilt beyond the canyons.

His transfer of work to Noveau Bresha had gone rather smoothly through the Academy. Being the director, when he said he had wanted to briefly relocate his office to determine the quality of resources being mined in the canyons, he had been met with support; his lead scientists were ecstatic to get a hand on the samples he would bring back.

Hope figured three months would give him ample time to track down Lightning. He pondered his decision to find her. What would he even say to her if he did find her? He admitted the decision had been rather impulsive. He hadn't told any of the former l'Cie of the true nature behind his trip. They had suffered enough at the hands of his unwavering resolve to keep Lightning in his most forward thoughts. He had gotten their hopes up in the past only to dash them. He couldn't string his friends along any more than he already had; not without conclusive results. He wouldn't say a word until he had found her, hard as it was. The excitement and anxiety that was building outward from the centre of his very being was explosive. He had left immediately, unable to sit idle a single moment longer.

It had been easy for Hope to trace the coordinate location of the number with the technology of the Academy. The area code registered just outside of Noveau Bresha, a budding city far out towards the mountains. Few lived there; it was a working city with personnel transporting resources back towards the thick of civilization, the Survey Corps exploring new terrain and gathering data. Although the scenery was truly beautiful, few ventured out so far; there was no need to travel so far out into the remote country. If one was to grow tired of the city, there were destinations much closer than Noveau Bresha. It was the perfect place to recede should one want to escape their old life.

Hope starlted at the thought. His pulse quickened and he shook his head. No. Lightning hadn't been trying to escape. He couldn't think of her in that light. He had to trust that she had good reason to come out this far. She wouldn't-- she would never run away. Not Lightning.

Hope's eyes abruptly flickered open to find himself gazing up at the room of the train car. He blinked a few times. The sun was beating through the windows, bathing the car in a warm light. Looking out the window, the sky was ablaze with a mix of pink and blue and yellow. The sun was setting; he had dozed off. Checking his watch, Hope noted the time. Roughly half-an-hour remained of his trip. He stifled a yawn, preparing himself to locate his bag from the trolley so he could find a seat close next to the door. He shared his car with one other passenger; an elderly lady who had dozed off as well.

It wasn't long before the passenger-cargo train began to slow to a halt in front of a large station. It was clearly a hub for all kinds of transport, the majority being fuel resources. Hope stepped out into the crisp, fresh air, clutching the handle of his suitcase as he rolled it out from the car and onto the pavement. The city wasn't as small as he had expected, and he was surprised to see so many people out and about on the sidewalk, exiting and entering shops, cafés, and otherwise going about their evening. He hailed a cab (there were plenty to chose from), and told the driver of his destination. He had rented a small, private dorm-hotel for the duration of his three month stay. Fifteen minutes later he had arrived.

The city was... cute, he supposed, in its own unique way. It was clearly still being built up, but Hope was shocked to have seen a settlement so far out being so successful and populous. He couldn't quell the nagging thought that finding Lightning would be harder than he thought.

He bit back a sigh. He had real work to do while he was here as well; he planned on researching the efficiency of the biofuel being produced beyond the settlement, and had blueprints for new technology to work out. Finding ways to efficiently manage his time was going to be tough, but Hope had faith he would figure something out. For now, he was tired from his travel and needed a change of pace. Placing his suitcase by his temporary bed, Hope made his way to the bathroom. He donned a white button-down shirt, long-sleeved, and wore a slate-blue ascot around his neck, reminiscent of his childhood bandanna, only significantly more... professional. Mature. His dark pants were simple yet elegant, and he wore his work boots with the buckles. He grabbed his black leather jacket, noting the chill of the outdoors, encasing himself within it on the way out of the door. He made his way to the front desk where he picked up the keys for his rental car. He had reserved a sleek silver Lexus which he found in the underground parking garage. Hope had never been one for extravagant cars, however he had not been one to pick it out. In fact, one of his secretaries had made all of the booking arrangements for him. He had asked for simplicity, nothing too flashy. He quirked his eyebrows at the car. At least it wasn't as unneededly extravagant as the Lamborghini that had been reserved for him last time he went on a business trip.

He decided to get a feel for the city and went for a drive. Noveau Bresha was little like its namesake, referencing the Bresha Ruins of Gran Pulse. The similarity was in the sheer rocky cliffs, but even they were of a different element. It hadn't been what he was expecting, yet Hope wasn't disappointed. The city was quaint, but pretty.

Shocking to Hope, however, was the ocean. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed the tang of saltwater in the air, yet it was such a natural scent to him from having lived in New Palumpolum for so long. He hadn't expected the city to border so close to the water. Hope had parked his car away from the main road at the top of a sheer cliff to view the sparkling, rough water as the sun set beyond and the air grew crisp in the Autumn chill. He could overlook the city from this height. Lights were beginning to flicker on in residential homes and apartments down below, and the streetlights were already lit. It was pretty, yet Hope couldn't ease the ball of discomfort gnawing at his core from deep within his belly. Finding Lightning was going to be tough.

He had called the headquarters of the Military Police Brigade within Noveau Bresha, however they refused to give a civilian - even the director of the infamous Academy - much information on their recruits or neighbouring divisions. Confidential. When he had asked if they knew of a woman called Lightning Farron, they could give him no further help, stating that no woman of such a name had been transferred into their division. The new tracking technology of the Academy was still a work in progress and only pinpointed her general location. Hope would either have to ask around, or hope to happen upon her by chance. Not likely.

It was getting dark, and Hope retreated back to his car to head back to his hotel dormitory.

-

It had been a week and Hope had succeeded in at least collecting a few samples to take back with him as he continued to search for Lightning. He had asked a few people on the streets if they had seen a pink haired girl with long locks, but had soon given up on the question. It had turned out that pink-haired girls weren't such a rare occurrence, and he frequently found himself abruptly turning at the sight of a blurry whips of rose dancing in his peripheral, but it was never her. He now began simply walking aimlessly during his work breaks, hoping somehow he would happen upon her by chance. It wasn't efficient, not in the least, but Hope was at a loss. There was little he could do but sit idle. Another week passed with the same result. It hadn't even been long but Hope could feel his resolve dwindling away, only to be replaced by a familiar doubt. He had found this to be the location of her area code. She had to be here somewhere. Unless she had sensed his arrival and turned tail and ran. But surely that was unlikely.

He felt foolish. Six years had passed and Lightning had never left his mind. Hope gulped, choking on his own spit and sputtering and coughing slightly. He forced himself observe the reality of the situation. He felt like a creep. What if Lightning truly had left of her own accord? She had hung up on him rather abruptly when they had spoken on the phone. What if she was truly trying to get away from everyone? From him? He felt the knot in his stomach twisting further, refusing to be untied. He just wanted to know. Damn it all, if she wanted to be alone so badly, could she not have just said so, instead of turning tail and running? He desperately wanted to believe she trusted him enough. She had watched him from Valhalla. She had to have known he would have respected her enough to back off. She had to have known that the feelings he harboured were more than just friendly.

Maybe that was what had chased her off. Hope felt sick to his stomach.

Another week passed, and then another. Weeks kept passing. Hope felt numb with defeat. It had been over two months since he had arrived in Noveau Bresha, and he had found absolutely nothing. A bitter taste settled within his mouth, and sitting at his temporary kitchen table which was littered in papers, Hope suddenly couldn't withstand the debilitating feelings a single moment more. He needed to get out right now.

Hope stood abruptly, chair shrieking in protest against the kitchen tiles and it wavered precariously back and forth for a brief moment before deciding it wasn't going to be falling over. Papers crashed to the ground and Hope roughly grabbed his coat, fastened his boots and grabbed his faithful Airwing before storming out of his room, slamming the door, red hot frustration left in his wake. He had gotten his hopes up that he would find Lightning in this trip. That is would all be some kind of misunderstanding and she would come home and they could resume their lives the way they had been, growing old together. He was so, so stupid, to think things could have worked out. One thousand years and he still had the mind of a petulant child. He was a God-damned fucking moron.

Resentment for his own failure clouded his mind and Hope hadn't registered where he was going until he found himself surrounded on all sides by a forest of pine. His coat was only half fastened and he was gripping his Airwing far tighter in his fist than necessary. He was on one of the recreational trails bordering the markers between civilization and wilderness, where the Survey Corps scouted out the unknown beyond humanity. Hope pressed on, veering off the path. He was far from the city now; there was no chance of a single soul being nearby. He continued through the woodland until he reached a vast, open clearing. A flat, grassy plain stretched before him, looking oddly illuminated under the overcast, afternoon November sky. He stepped father and farther out into the field, staring at the expanse in front of him.

Shifting his Airwing in his arm into its correct pistol grip, he hurled it forcefully into the air, applying the necessary spin through his fingertips to have it zipping swiftly through the air, precise and deadly. The boomerang sailed far, rising into the sky, cutting through a fog Hope hadn't known was there. There was too much breeze blowing against him however, and the weapon was caught in a rogue gust of wind, blowing far behind him. He moved to retrieve it, and once back in his grip he took to weighing it in his arms experimentally, before hurling it again. It whistled as it took off and looped twice around in the air before it landed obediently back in its master's arms. The familiarity of throwing his boomerang soothed him, but only slightly. His frustration still clawed within his gut like wild fire. Hope bounced the weapon in his hands briefly before sending it off again with slightly too much force, screaming in its wake to the open air.

"Why didn't you tell me!" His explosion was the beginning of a full fledged rant. The weapon came hurtling back towards him and he caught it once more. The weight of the throw had forced it into a heavy return, however, and even with gloved hands, Hope's fingers stung at the contact. He threw it again after hardly any wait, even harder than before. This began a consistent loop. Throw, scream, catch, rinse and repeat.

"I looked for you! Goddess Etro, I searched for six years. Six years! You didn't even have the decency to tell a single damn soul where you went!" The boomerang soared into his embrace once more, heavy and painful, and Hope hissed as it cracked into his fingers. He threw it again.

"Did you think we wouldn't have cared? Did you think nobody would notice? Well you better bet your sorry ass we did! It ripped a hole through every single one of our lives! Serah sobbed her eyes out! It broke her! She lost her baby, Light!" He paused, voice rising further and further. "She had a fucking miscarriage!" He was screaming now, hot, angry tears flowing down his reddened cheeks. He caught the boomerang. Hurled it again.

"We looked everywhere. Everywhere! You didn't leave a single clue! Snow lost his job with the hours he put in looking for you. People think you're dead!" The boomerang whipped back, slamming into Hope's fingers, leaving an audible crack. He winced in pain but hurled it again. It sailed far up over the hills, into the sky, before looping around again.

"You were the only one who understood what it was like! The pain of the memories, we shared it together! We were partners! Why couldn't you have trusted me!?" Another hard catch was followed by another hard throw. "And yet you cast me aside! You cast everyone aside! How could you do that to me? To us!? We were best friends!" The weapon sailed back at him with so much force that Hope staggered back upon the catch.

"And you know what the worst part was?" Hope threw his arm back and launched the boomerang out of his grip with such violent force that his shoulder snapped forward and cracked. He gasped, hissing through his teeth as fiery pain lurched through him before sinking onto his knees, aching, bruised fingers clutching at his face as he sobbed.

"I loved you, Lightning!" He wailed through his broken sobs. "I loved you more than anything else in this wretched hellish world! And you left... You left without saying a single fucking word!"

His voice echoed through the trees and was soon followed by empty silence, the weight of it all heavier on his shoulders than it ever had been before.

Hope was not one to curse. He was not one to grow angry, or impatient, or irritated. He was not one to scream out into the heavens in agony. And yet here he was. The tears flowed silently now. There was nothing more to be said.

Behind him, the boomerang sailed far over his head on its return flight, snapping into a branch of one of the pine trees, and tumbling down to the ground, pine limb in toe. Hope did not rise. He only sat in the grass, curled in on himself, weeping like a lost child.

-

Another week passed and Hope was considering cutting his trip short. His cell phone rang frequently, the screen lit up with the names of his friends, trying to reach out to him. He didn't have to heart to pick up his phone. He knew they must have been worried; he had left rather unceremoniously and abruptly. They must have been worried. His gut lurched as he realized the similarity between his leave and that of Lightning, all those years ago. They wouldn't have been able to stand losing him too. This city was beginning to make him feel sick anyways.

It was a pleasantly mild evening. Chilly, with frost collecting on the scattered autumn leaves, but the crispness of the air cleared Hope's head as he went for his daily sunset walk. He observed the shops and the people as he made his way down the busy sidewalk towards his favourite park bench where he would sit and observe the world. He wore a scarf over his leather jacket, wrapped up around part of his face to keep his nose warm. He kept his mitted fists in his pocket and sighed as he maneuvered through the crowds of Noveau Bresha.

Happening upon rose-coloured hair was completely by chance.

The situation didn't process quick enough in Hope's mind for him to realize what was happening. It had all had occurred so fast, so suddenly.

He was gripping the arm of the woman in front of him, her face set in her trademark scowl as it had always been. She looked exactly the same - even donning attire eerily similar to that of her previous Guardian Corps uniform - a dark turtleneck beneath a white jacket, short skirt over black pantyhose. A belt straddled across her midriff. She was staring into his eyes as her own widened to the size of twin full moons. Hope was firmly gripping her wrist, using his free hand to pull down his scarf to reveal his full face. Her mouth was hanging agape and Hope couldn't breathe. How this situation had even developed was fuzzy in his head. She was here. This... this was Lightning Farron.

It was all completely by chance. He had seen her making her own way through the crowd in the opposite direction and Hope could have sworn he was hallucinating. Curious, he had stepped out in front of her and she had promptly bumped into him, spilling over a bag of supplies Hope hadn't even realized she had been carrying. She had cursed, bending over to pick up her spilled groceries, scoffing at her egg carton which had spilled. None of the eggs had broken open, however a few were cracked. She fisted them into her bag in record timing, and Hope could only stare in awe. He had to be dreaming. And then she had stood, right up in his face, and barked at him with such vigor that it buffeted his hair.

"Are you fucking stupid? Watch where you're going, dumbass!" The voice was unmistakable. It was her. Without thinking, Hope reached out, grasping her arm tightly with her hand. Her look turned from angry to angrier as she tried to rip her arm free, cursing at him, yet he did not drop his grip. He had become much stronger since she had last seen him. Her eyes blazed with wicked fire and Hope found himself mesmerized. Yet, he quickly realized that she was making a scene. Passer-bys were beginning to stop and stare; he needed to defuse the situation quickly. Hope produced the one action he could muster up the ability to commit in the situation. He spoke her name as if it were a word to free his troubled mind of all of its terrible burdens.

"Lightning."

Her thrashing immediately ceased.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Meghan Trainor voice* WHO'S THAT SEXY THING I SEE OVER THERE! THAT'S LIGHT!!! DROPPING ALL OF HER FUCKING EGGS LIKE A LOSER  
> hilarity aside, ANGST. B') so far I worry that my fic writing produces... uh... boring content? I don't know. I'm not confident but hey at least I'm having a good time right. RIGHT


	4. Demur

"Lightning." He had repeated himself. She could feel the world slowing around her as she stared into light sea green eyes, her own shock reflected within their depths. Her breath had left her and she willed herself to stay calm and collected, calling upon her years of military experience to hold her steady. _Goddess, don't fail me now._

In front of her stood a nearly unrecognizable figure - a _man_ -his eyes ghostily resembling that of a boy she had last seen six years ago. He was toned and tall, standing several inches above her; she needed to crane her head forward to look him in the eyes. Pale, silvery locks framed his face, fringe dusting across his forehead into a familiar sideswept style. It had lengthened in the back and no longer flared out in a chaotic manner, untamed; it now flowed gracefully, elegantly, softly down, tapering off at his collar. His delicate face was chiseled, yet smooth, with a set jawbone accented by the length of his neck, complete with a noticeable adam's apple that bobbed when he swallowed. His eyes had stayed the same as always, although they no longer gave him the appearance of a lost puppy. They were large and expressive as they had always been, windows to his innermost of thoughts, soft and vulnerable. Yet they held the spark of a thousand year's worth of wisdom, and he could feel them penetrating her very core. The pain, the questions, the longing in which they contained - it startled her. Lightning had to look away.

"Light, please." She watched the way his lips moved from the corner of her eye as he whispered.

_It's been a long time, Hope Estheim._

Now she stood in her very own kitchen, the man in tow, standing beneath her door frame, removing his shoes.

Lightning had seen him in the body of an adult before, back when she had watched over him from Valhalla hundreds of years prior. But nothing had prepared her for the way his eyes pierced through right into her very core, the way they betrayed all of his thoughts and simultaneously hid everything. The size of his hands that wrapped around her wrists gingerly, the shy yet firm pressure he applied - uncertain - the shyness of his childhood still ever evident in all of his actions. She found herself at a loss for words, a loss that she had not yet overcome even as he padded forward cautiously towards her. He kept his distance from her - he was weary. Not that Lightning could blame him.

Inviting Hope into her home had been a decision which horrified her, and yet she had known that if she were to dismiss the incident, if she were to walk away from him, she would lose the chance forever. He would effectively be gone from her life. She knew him; she knew he would retreat from her and never look back. No, she couldn't run from this. Not again.

And so she had extended the invitation, which he had hesitantly accepted. And the two of them made the way to her car in a sickening silence. It was late and she otherwise would have been preparing to turn in for the night, and having the man in her home with such a lengthy conversation ahead of them made her wince. It was going to be a long, painful evening. Now, Hope sat across from her at her kitchen table. She had offered him tea and he had refused. His voice had been clipped and his face carried a look of strain. They sat in silence a few moments longer, neither daring to speak, until he was the one to break the silence. They began.

"I, uh... I located the coordinates of your phone number. And then travelled here to find you." He sounded hesitant and eyed her nervously.

"How long had you been looking?"

"I never once stopped looking since you left." That hadn't been what she meant and the confession startled her. Hope gulped as he continued. "But if you were referring to how long I've been in Noveau Bresha... a week and a half on top of two months."

"And... now you've found me."

"Yes." His voice was soft, eyes alight and swimming with questions he refused to voice. She had expected a barrage of inquiries, and yet he was hanging back. Guarded and respectful. Hope's consideration for her made her stomach twist in on itself and she took a deep breath. He was giving her executive control of the situation.

"I've been living here the past four years," she ventured apprehensively. Hope's eyebrows raised up at this and his eyes flashed in a way that Lightning could only describe as volatile - dangerous.

"Four out of six years." He acknowledged flatly, and Lightning flinched. Hope hadn't directly paid witness to the elephant in the room floating over their heads, but his motive was clear. He was awaiting an explanation.

Six years. Had it really been so long? Lightning clasped her hands together tightly, fingers intertwined, brow furrowed. She didn't know where to begin, how to even explain her absence. Unsaid words hung between them like a thick fog. Hope appeared to be realizing that she was not about to go volunteering information, and she was startled when he reached forward to tentatively embrace her hands within his own. She flinched back like she had been burned and hurt flashed through his eyes, making her stomach tighten further. He spoke apprehensively, tone low.

"Lightning... Where did you go? Why did you leave?" The questions engulfed the pair within a suddenly claustrophobic space. Lightning shut her eyes as forgotten, cast-away feelings washed over her. Discomposure, misgivings and fear swallowed her whole, and Lightning fought desperately to quell the panic welling up within her.

How could she tell him that she had simply been overwhelmed? The consequential tolls of daily life in the New World had destroyed every ounce of self respect she had once had. How could she possibly explain the desperation, the burning need to throw everything away? How could she even begin to explain why? There was no way she could convey her feelings without giving the impression that she was an insensitive, negligent jackass. Which, in the end, was truly all she was.

"Hope... I'm sorry, but I... I can't tell you. Please understand." Hope drew back from her, eyes downcast and clouded. He nodded once, eyes flitting back and forth briefly, unfocused. He was thinking. She met his steady gaze evenly when he looked back up at her.

"Then please, let me prove to you that I can be... That I can be a person in your life whom you can trust. One you can allow back into your life." Lightning's eyes widened, and he continued. "I don't know if I've done something to make you fear me or feel the need to shut me out, but I want to prove to you that you can trust me. We're partners, Lightning. I will always have your back." His eyes were determined as he gazed at her, and she couldn't help but smile slightly over the reference back to the promise they had made as l'Cie. She never had expected him to carry it over one thousand years into the future.

"Lightning... everyone thinks you're dead. Please come back with me. Please. Everyone would be so happy to see you again." The look in his eyes was genuine, but Lightning stiffened at this. Hope's eyes flashed with concern; she was already shutting him out again.

"I can't." She replied simply, voice low. She turned away, standing up from her seat. Hope stood after her, reaching for her wrist once more. She wasn't able to step back in time before he grabbed it again.

"Why not? Everyone would be absolutely ecstatic to see you. Serah misses you so much-"

"I said I can't, okay? And that's that!" Lightning jerked her arm away from his grasp, surprised at her own outburst, and she immediately regretted it when Hope stepped back again, eyes wide with shock and hurt, arm still extended towards her. She shook her head.

"I... I'm sorry, Hope. I just... I can't do it. I... you weren't supposed to find me in the first place. I'm sorry, this is my fault." Lightning looked down at her feet, feeling beyond uncomfortable.

"Then why did you text your old phone?" Hope's voice was strained and slightly too loud. He was desperately trying to keep his voice level. "If you wanted us to stay away so badly, why would you leave it behind and then try to contact it? Tell me that!"

"You wanna know why? I was fucking drunk!" She exclaimed, unsure of why she was now shouting. "Okay? It was all just a stupid mistake. I had too much to drink and I texted it, okay? It was a fluke! You weren't supposed... You weren't supposed to find me." She threw her arms out haphazardly. Hope looked taken aback. His eyes seeped cold heat that scorched through Lightning's very soul.

"You... you texted your phone... because you were drunk?" He stared at her wide-eyed before he continued. "Accidentally. Otherwise... you never would have." He concluded flatly. Lightning nodded without meeting his gaze.

She remembered the morning well. She had woken up with a wicked hangover, unlocking her phone to find a text screen open. She recognized the recipient number immediately, sitting bolt upright in her bed, causing a rush of blood to flow to her head, making her feel nauseous. She stared at the drunken text in horror. She had texted her old phone; the phone in possession of her old life, her old friends. If only she could take it back! And yet, the phone had been old. Surely, four years later since the dawn of her absence, it would have been put out of commission. She opted to leave it and pretend it hadn't happen, and life had progressed smoothly from then on. That is, until two years later when her phone had rang.

She had been met with silence at first. She had been irritated, assuming it was some kind of spambot or telemarketer, but then the unthinkable happened. Even distorted through the line, even though his voice had deepened since she last had heard from him, Lightning knew who was speaking on the other line.

Lightning had frozen, unable to comprehend the situation. She had forgotten about the text which inevitably had led Hope to find her. What could she say to him? What could she do?

She had panicked and hung up, cursing herself for her stupidity and cowardliness. She was a soldier, rational and focused. She had a talent for quick-thinking and keeping her eyes forward even in the toughest of situations. But she was human. And she had been struggling for a long, long time. It was all over now; her old life had returned inevitably to haunt her. Be it the next morning or years in the future, her fate was sealed.

Hope Estheim would find her.

And find her he did.

He now stood in front of her, eyes glaring daggers. She could tell he was fighting to keep himself calm. This sparked irritation within her and she couldn't help the anger that coursed through her. What right did he have to be mad? Damnit, she was an adult! If she wanted to pack up and abandon her old life, she had every right. She cursed the man. He didn't even know what she could have been going through and he was a fool if he thought he did.

She sighed, shoulders sagging as the defiant thoughts collapsed in on themselves.

No, that wasn't true. He had every right to be upset. Lightning Farron wasn't stupid or oblivious. She knew the nature of the feelings the man harboured for her. She may not have been the most brilliant or observant when it came to feelings, let alone a concept as intense as love, but she knew the telltale signs of attachment when she saw them. _I was suffocating_. The knowledge only further fueled her desire to escape. This wasn't right. None of it was.

Her resolve was crumbling beneath her very feet.

Hope spoke up again, and Lightning let go of her train of thought.

"Listen to me, Lightning." He had returned to using the full alias and Lightning was acutely aware of the ever-growing distance between the two of them, between everything and everyone she had ever loved. The guilt threatened to swallow her whole. _No! I had to go! It was the only way!_

Hope continued.

"If you truly want me gone, if you want me to be out of your life, I will leave." Lightning could see how much it pained him to speak the words that he clearly didn't want to say. His eyes were silently begging her to accept him, to let him in. "If you want me to leave your home, board my train, and return to mine alone, then I will. I won't contact you again. I won't tell anyone of our meeting. You... You'll be gone from my life. _All_ of our lives. No one would find you." He swallowed thickly.

"But please, just know that if you ever wanted to come back... if you ever wanted to join our lives again, and allow us the privilege to be in yours, we would welcome you with open arms. We will always be there if you need us. I'll always be there. I would unconditionally support you through absolutely anything, Lightning." His voice softened into a whisper. "And I could never, ever hate you. Not even if I wanted to."

Lightning didn't know how long they stood there after that, staring at each other in silence. And then, she found he was gone as quickly as he had came. She was alone in her kitchen once more, no evidence left in her home of Hope having been there at all.

She sat back down at the table and held her head in her hands as a single tear fell from eyes clenched shut.

-

Life progressed on as usual, and Hope had kept true to his word. Lightning did not see him again after the incident.

She couldn't get their meeting out of her head. _Just know that if you ever wanted to come back..._

She shook her head as she headed to work. Lightning had taken up a job as the teacher of a small martial arts studio, teaching self-defense. She didn't make a whole awful lot of money, but at least it was enough to get by, and enough to stay under the radar. Being this far out, nobody knew or questioned her affiliation with the Guardian Corps. Such heavy military based operations seemed far away and foreign to the people of Noveau Bresha. For a long time, she had been content in her life, if a little lonely. She had adopted a cat some time ago as a means for comfort and sought out therapy for her PTSD and depression. In the end, her life had become some kind of delusional fly-by. She felt unreal, much akin to a spectator; like she was simply observing her body moving through the daily tolls of life from a stance farther above.

Did she feel better being alone than when she had lived with Hope among the former l'Cie? It was a difficult question to answer. The disassociation away from her past life had helped in some ways, hurt in more. She no longer suffered severe emotional flashbacks when she gazed upon her companions; there were none to look upon anymore. The desire to protect Serah, the constant fear that everything she had was an illusion about to be ripped out of her grasp at any given moment; these feelings no longer haunted her. No longer did she fear that somehow, some way, she was being watched by Gods and deities with malicious intentions. She no longer bordered on the cusp of trying to determine whether the life she lead was a false reality or the real thing. No, it simply felt like a constant dream now. A consistently false sense of being.

She felt most of all as if she was protecting everyone by keeping away. Lightning had known the ache that her disappearance was bound to impart on her friends, victims of a preventable circumstance which was her abrupt and silent departure from their lives. The pain she would place on them, on Serah, even on Hope, she had deemed necessary. She was unable to determine the nature of this New World, and her paranoia eventually drove her to the decision that leaving would save them from the despair that accompanied her wherever she went. Yes, she missed them. She loved them all; hence why she had felt the need to escape. She would never be able to bring them the happiness they deserved. Not when she was this broken inside, incapable of love and compassion. She only left heartbreak in her wake. It was inevitable. At least like this, the pain would slowly ebb away. They would grow to move on and so would she.

In order to protect them, she needed to stay away. And yet her encounter with Hope was corrupting her willpower and instead a desire to return was blossoming within her, desperation to rekindle her relationships was growing stronger and stronger. She had hoped that they would move on, keeping their eyes forward as her influence had taught them to. And yet six years later, she had encountered Hope - the man who had sought her out with the explicit desire to bring Light back home. While she kept her eyes front, he was always watching the rear; always watching out for her. He would never leave the past behind.

His consistent presence and committed attachment perplexed and confounded Lightning. Six years had passed and yet he had never stopped looking. He hadn't let it go, and in the end, he had tracked her down without a single lead other than a single drunken text sent two years ago. A drunken text conceived in a moment of pitiful loneliness. She hadn't grown close to a single soul apart from her beloved cat in the entirety of her absence, lest she impart misfortune upon them.

It wasn't as if she wasn't used to the loneliness. She had spent akin to an eternity alone within Valhalla, yet it just as easily matched a single millisecond. Time did not pass in the celestial city, and she had spent an immeasurable unit of her existence completely and utterly alone. In the end, her desire for companionship had brought Serah to her demise when she had called for her. She had doomed all that was left of her family to death. And thus, Lightning concluded that she was born to exist and perish alone.

And yet Hope had sought her out, over and over throughout time, holding her up, sacrificing himself over and over for her. She couldn't begin to count the number of times he had watched him die. Assassinated, murdered, killed in freak accidents. He always died alone and there was nothing she could have done to save him. And yet each time, he fell with a smile, freed in death's embrace from his eternal suffering. He had lost everyone he had ever cared about with no hope of resolving the distortions in time. His very existence was tragic in its futility and hopelessness. Eventually, he was lost too. Yet the time he spent alive, he dedicated to creating a better future; a future he could bring her home to. From keeping her spirits uplifted as a l'Cie on the run, to solving the mysteries of the oracle drive to find her, to watching over her from the ark, he had always been with her. In the end, as she fell alone into the chaos, he had given up his future to save her. In the end, it was always him. She couldn't understand his attachment or resolve. For someone like him, a noble leader, wise beyond his years, a genius within every field, skilled and cherished to focus so heavily on her - a bloodstained soldier screwed over by fate - was simply beyond her. She wished her would focus his attention elsewhere. She refused to hold down the literal Hope of the world. The only thing she had ever managed to do for him was save his soul and give him a fresh chance. The least she could do now was allow him to use that chance to fulfil his great potential.

But now her resolve was crumbling into a fine dust. She genuinely wanted to return to her old life, even momentarily somehow. She wanted to see Serah and how she was getting along. She wanted to see how much Dajh had grown and if Sazh had finally retired. She wanted to make quips about Snow, wanted to spar with Fang, wanted to listen as Vanille teased all of her friends. She wanted to see how New New Bodhum and New Palumpolum had changed, she wanted to visit the Academy to see how it had grown. She wanted to see Hope's work and his newest feats of engineering. She wanted to intimately know all of her friends again. She didn't want to be alone anymore, and yet isolation was what kept her and everyone else safe.

Sighing, Lightning threw down her bag, lost in thought. No, she couldn't. She absolutely could not under any circumstances return to her old life, not even for a moment. Not after she had come so far. She was a soldier, damnit! She was strong. She was Lightning. And she was better than that.

A seven hour train ride and a week's worth of cancelled appointments later, Lightning found herself in front of the Villiers' household, fist clenched as she held her arm over the wood of Serah's front door. So much for soldiers' resolve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughh slightly shorter chapter? with a POV change. Now that I've uploaded these initial four chapters I will space out the chapters a bit as far as upload date goes. Maybe there'll be a set update schedule, more likely though that it'll be pretty random. Anyways here we see a peek of insight on Light's angsty feels. *insert pic of Kumo jumping off cliff* MY CHILD I'M SORRY YOUR LIFE IS SUCK


	5. Remorse

There were times when Lightning wondered if her very being was corrupt, core shattered beyond recognition. She had effectively lost her childhood in one fell sweep when her parents had disappeared from both hers and Serah's lives. The reserved, shy child she had been was replaced with a stoic adult by the time she was only fourteen. She had withdrawn from her only family left when she had joined the Guardian Corps to support her and Serah. She had done what she had to, yet a single day hadn't passed where she didn't regret not being able to emotionally support her sister. Lightning strove to allow her sister's upbringing to be as regular and pain-free as possible. The death of their parents had hit Serah hardest and it had killed Lightning to see her usually bright and carefree sister so heart-broken. Unable to bear the thought of having Serah becoming separated from her in an alternate custody, Lightning had lied about her age and been granted auspice over her remaining family. In the end, she was unable to support the two of them and provide emotional comfort to Serah at the same time. Training with the Corps was tough, and Lightning found herself away from home nearly constantly. Serah must have been terribly lonely. Lightning couldn't help but take Serah's confidence in Snow as a symbol of her own failure to be there for her sister, and she turned her own self-resentment upon him instead.

When Serah had confided in her about her woes of being turned l'Cie, Lightning had rejected her, unable to believe the ludicrous tale. There was no possible way the Fal'Cie could have picked Serah. It had been Lightning's own birthday, and the timing was too convenient, not to mention Serah had also dropped the bomb of marriage on her. It was all so well timed that Lightning couldn't help but draw the conclusion that this was some sort of karmic rebellion for her absence throughout Serah's life. She had sent her sister away in tears. It had to be some kind of attack, the weight of her past regrets so heavy upon her shoulders that they were now trying to smother her; but Lightning would not budge. But then Serah was taken by the Fal'Cie; only then had Lightning realized the gravity of the condemnent she had pledged against Serah. Once again she had let her sister down.

Fate would only have it that she become a l'Cie too, punishment for the burdens she had left upon Serah to face alone. Rage had taken over her being in defiance of the cruelty which circumstance had bound to her; she sought to destroy the Sanctum and its wretched Fal'Cie. The desire to repent for her past shortcomings drove Lightning forward, and she couldn't be bothered to care for the others that fell victim in the wake of her relentless desires to find revenge. Most pitiful to fall unto her gambit was Hope Estheim, the lost child whom had come to idolize her. There was something facetious yet also something becoming of the presence of a kid called Hope following her. Cursing him as a liability at first, she eventually began to appreciate his presence, soon coming to depend on him for stability. He gave her a reason to keep fighting, he gave her something to protect; his innocence reminded her of the good in the world that she strived to preserve. He gave her a second chance in showing vulnerability and giving emotional support to another - something she had never had the chance to give to Serah. And when she realized that she had once again dragged another into a perpetual chaos from her tendency to fight blindly to make up for her confusion and doubts, she had reason to find the right path once more, his companionship and unwavering loyalty a crutch in her journey. Under her tutelage, she had watched him venture out onto his destined path, finding way to his true potential. She had opened up to her l'Cie companions and developed bonds closer than she otherwise would have ever had before. He had become her Hope in more ways than one.

At the end of the group's l'Cie journey, Lightning had been dragged into the ensuing chaos becoming of Etro's paradox. She had submit her very being to become Etro's Champion, believing that preserving the life of the dying God would help her atone for her past sins. She was lost to all - all but Serah, and through that memory, she had called upon her sister to aid her and give her strength, sending her upon a journey through time. In this journey, Serah had perished as a result of her own selfish desires to be together with her again. When realization had struck, she had crumbled, knowing that her actions had brought her sister to her bitter and lonely end. She had believed that carrying out the will of Etro would salvage her lost purity, and yet her very existence had appeared to doom all that she made contact with. There was nothing left for Lightning. There was no hope of salvation. She fell upon the throne of the Goddess, lapsing into crystal stasis where she awaited her awakening at the end of eternity.

In the world's final moments, God had sought her out, giving her one last attempt at repentance - he had given her the opportunity to save the souls of her friends, of Serah, of the whole world. Lightning had accepted, and in the end, she had succeeded. For the first time in her life, she had done something right.

Lightning had accepted her fate of falling alone into the ensuing chaos in the end of days, knowing that she was beyond saving. When the time came, her emotions returned to her, the fear seeped in and she had wept in brazen impertinence. She was born to sacrifice herself and die alone, yet even the knowledge made it no easier to let go, to let herself fall into oblivion, mercilessly forgotten as she was buried beneath the fissures of the universe. But then the inconceivable had happened; hope had reached out to her and grasped her by the hands. _We'll be together. You'll never have to feel alone ever again._ And _he_ had carried her out of the darkness, out of the chaos, into the light of a new dawn. He had given back to her the gift of life - the gift of love. She had been reunited with all of her friends. In the end of existence and the rebirth of a New World, she had been reunited with Serah. She had found reconciliation in the form of the light of Hope.

Lightning had been gifted with the privilege of watching the people she had grown close with over a millennium earn the peace that was long overdue. Everyone she had watched fall and perish in her past lifetime had been rekindled with new spirit. It was humbling - it was pure - and it tugged without forbearance within the strings of her heart. The ache only grew and grew as she watched the people and world she had loved playing out as all was supposed to, and the unbearable feeling of avoidance built up its feeble walls around her, breaking her down from within. It became clear to Lightning - without her, this was the way their lives could have ended up in the past - had she not influenced the timeline, sacrificing the lives of others for her own, chaos would not have befallen the world. Her final parting gift to all would be to disappear from their lives for good, and never return to soil the vitality of the world she had finally saved. Dissipation would preserve the future, even if she had to suffer to conceive it.

Lightning would be a burden no more.

But now she stood bordering the edge of the life she had left, hovering just on the outside of the extremity that she was about to force herself back into; she was moments away from becoming once more a part of the life of the sister and the friends she had left. All she had to do was knock.

She was ashamed at how instantaneously her resoluteness had faded. Yes, she was human, and she desired companionship just as anyone else did, but she was also a soldier. She was supposed to have a stronger sense of dignity, of resolve, than this. She could still turn back, still board the train back to Noveau Bresha where she would never be able to hurt her family again. But as this thought flitted across her mind, Lightning found her fist meeting the coarse wood of that door. Her breath stopped.

Several moments of silence passed and Lightning exhaled, fist back at her side, skin tingling in anticipation in the spot where the side of her hand had met the wooden frame. She hadn't realized she was trembling and fought to steady herself. Several more seconds passed, and nothing had happened. Maybe they weren't home after all. Perhaps it was a sign to return to her own.

A miniature version of Serah opened the door right as Lightning was turning around to leave.

The kid's eyes were bright and excitable, and her eyes had widened at the sight of Lightning. She was wearing baby blue pyjamas covered in tiny yellow ducklings, clearly about to get into bed. Lightning pursed her lips together in a tight line.

"Who are you?" The little girl chirped enthusiastically. Lightning didn't know what to say. She suddenly heard scuffling feet behind her and the all-too familiar voice of Serah as she approached the door.

"Claire! What did I tell you about being respectful to strangers? Shouldn't you be brushing your teeth?" Lightning's eyes widened in confusion at the use of her real name. Was Serah... talking to her? This had _not_ been how she had expected this reunion to go. "Go on now, or should I talk to your father-" Serah stopped abruptly as she shooed the child back into the house, replacing her at the door, peering out to finally see who had knocked on such a chilly evening. Lightning could practically see the confusion and disbelief within her sister's eyes as she stared at her, mouth hanging slightly open. _Oh._ Claire must've been the kid. _Serah's kid._

"L-... Lightning?" Her voice was soft and hesitant. Lightning suddenly felt very uncomfortable and hot under her sister's gaze. She looked away sheepishly. "Is... is it really you?" Serah had reached out a hand towards her cheek. Lightning stiffened, but allowed her sister to delicately caress her face as if to test the reality of the situation. She realized she hadn't yet spoken a single word.

"Serah..." She trailed off. What was she going to say? A seven hour long train ride had Lightning no more prepared for the situation than she had been when she had left. This had been a terrible idea, she had known it from the start. That hadn't stopped her compulsion, however.

Suddenly, Serah was grinning. Also crying. She flew at Lightning, catching her off guard, and the elder Farron stumbled back as her sister hurtled into her arms with a shocking amount of force. Lightning had expected a slap across the face, but instead she was on the receiving end of the biggest bear hug she had ever witnessed.

"Sis! It's... It's really you! I can't believe it!" Serah all but squealed as she hugged Lightning even tighter. She was beginning to find it hard to breathe. "Oh my God! Where on earth have you been? I thought... We all though you... you were..." She pulled back, eyes puffy as she looked back at Lightning, checking once again to see if it wasn't some bizarre kind of dream. She grabbed Lightnings hands, encasing them within her own. "Please come in! You're always welcome here, Light. I... I want to hear _everything._ "  
Lightning had no chance to protest as she was pushed, no - more like dragged - into the house.

-

Snow was next to happen upon Lightning's abrupt arrival. Whether or not he had heard Serah's shrieking from upstairs, or if he just had some kind of sixth sense for the presence of his terrifying sister-in-law, he had soon come down the stairs to find Serah dancing about the long lost Saviour of humanity.

He had paused half way down the stairs, shirtless and clad in only a towel around his waist. Lightning rolled her eyes in disgust. It may have been his own house, but if there were children around, surely he would have the decency to put some clothes on.

"...Lightning?" Snow's eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets and she snorted.

"The one and only." She replied drily, but couldn't help the sly smile she found working its way across her lips as he flashed one of his trademark grins.

"No way." He was suddenly coming at her and Lightning's smile dissolved in record timing as the oversized nude man practically leapt at her. He was only a few feet away from her when she instinctively reached out, grabbing his arm and pinning him from behind. She growled as he turned back to look at her, the poster of alarm written across his face.

"If you touch a single inch of your filthy oversized body to me without first putting on some clothes like a decent human being, then I'll be making sure you don't have the gall to approach anyone ever again without some fucking pants on. Do I make myself clear?"

He gulped. "Y-yes ma'am!" She released him and the massive oaf was able to pick himself up before scurrying away to clothe himself. Quick as he came he was back, and this time Lightning didn't react quickly enough to stop him from picking her up in an even bigger bear hug than before, swinging her around over his massive head.

"Lightning! By God, it's actually you! Where the hell've ya been!" He was grinning and Serah couldn't resist but to join in for a group hug.

"Snow, I think you're suffocating her. Would you mind putting my wayward sister down?" Serah's voice was humourous but held a tone of slight danger within, enough to make Lightning smirk. Snow picked up on this, plopping Lightning back down to the ground where she staggered as she took in a deep breath.

"Serah, please keep your behemoth of a boyfriend on a tighter leash." Lightning choked out, rubbing her sides gingerly. She couldn't keep the smile out of her words.

"That would be my wife, actually." Snow beamed, winking at her. "Shame you missed the wedding there, sis. It was a good one. Not that I remember much of it." He bellowed out a laugh and Serah smiled warmly. On the stairs behind them came the younger Claire, clearly wanting to know what the fuss was about. Snow sauntered over to her in high spirits, picking her up over his shoulders. She squealed in delight.

"Time for someone to head to bed!" He bellowed, running up the stairs on all fours, Claire now on top of his shoulders. Lightning scoffed. What a dad.

Serah giggled at her. "We have two." She was positively beaming. "We have a lot to catch up on. Come on. I'll make you some tea." With that, she skipped into the kitchen, and Lightning wondered when the last time was the she had seen Serah so happy.

-

Serah had extended an invitation to have Lightning stay the night. The Villiers had in fact offered their home to her for an extended period of time. _Until she could find a place back in New Palumpolum or close by,_ they had said. Lightning had nearly spat out her tea.

"What do you mean you're not staying?" Serah's voice was bordering on a whine and Lightning flinched. "You've been gone for six years and you're... you're just going to up and leave again? Are you joking?"

"I have a job, Serah. I have a home. I couldn't just... move back, even if I wanted to."

"So you don't want to stay? Will you even visit us again? How do we know you're not just going to run off again?" Serah's voice was unsteady and she looked like she was about to start crying at any moment. Lightning found herself unable to meet her gaze. That had been the plan - visit briefly and leave once more. She had simply wanted to check in, maybe catch up a little. Then she would be gone again as she should be.

"Come on, sis. Stay a little while, I mean why not?" Snow added in. "You still haven't even told us where you've been, what you've been up to."

"Why did you _leave?_ " Serah broke the ice that barricaded the issue underneath. Lightning had been expecting it.

"It was hard... to grow accustomed to the New World. I needed time to myself." The answer sounded incredibly fake but it was all she could offer.

"So you left for six years without telling a single soul?" Serah exclaimed, before trailing into a whisper. "Did... did it help? Did you find what you were looking for?"

This, Lightning had not been prepared for. She studied her own hands intently, before placing them over Serah's own. Serah looked up, tears glistening within her eyes, and Lightning met her gaze steadily, taking a deep breath. "Serah." She paused, trying to find the words to explain what she wanted to say. "I never would have left anyone... especially not you, without good reason. I... I can't explain it right now, but I promise, my absence had a meaning. I'm... still trying to figure things out. Even six years later. ...I would only do what I believe to be truly necessary."

Serah gripped Lightnings hands back gingerly. "I... Claire, I understand. I won't press you for your reasoning if you don't want me to. But please..." Serah was looking directly into her eyes, cerulean coloured eyes mirroring that of her own. "I can't help it, maybe I'm just selfish, but I just... I want you to stay. I wish with all of my heart that you could - that you would." The genuine love and care written over Serah's face left a pang of guilt that rippled through Lightning's core. She nodded once.

"I'll remember that... Thank you, Serah. Really."

Serah nodded, moving back and allowing a sigh to escape her mouth. She wiped the beginnings of tears away from her eyes, then clasped her hands together. "Alright then." Her voice had taken on a lighter tone. "In any case, you are more then welcome to sleep in our guest bedroom for the week, sis!"

Snow, who had been quietly and respectful observing the exchange for once in his life, piped in. "What'ya say we call everyone up and see who's down for a reunion dinner tomorrow? On us." Lightning gawked at him in horror. "I'm sure everyone would be quite willing to ditch any plans when they get wind that Light's in town. It's a cause for celebration!" He flashed a grin and Serah was beaming once more.

"That's a great idea, Snow! We can do all of our catching up with everyone over dinner out."

Lightning looked back and forth between the married couple in horror. "Dinner... out? With everyone?"

"Yeah!" Serah looked positively ecstatic. "I don't know the likelihood of Noel and Yeul being able to come on such short notice, though. I hope you won't be too disappointed if they don't show. They do travel a lot." Serah looked thoughtful. "But I bet Sazh will be able to come with Dajh. Fang and Vanille I can almost guarantee. As for Hope..." She trailed off, looking uncertain, and exchanged a glance with Snow.

"I'll work on getting the kid out. There's no way I'd let him miss this." Snow punched his fist into the air once, and Serah looked relieved. Lightning paused, confused. Why would Hope be a concern?

"Alright, I'll leave you to it then." Serah smiled. Lightning figured there was no way to get out of this now. The scheming couple hadn't even let her get a word in. She stifled a sigh, leaning back in her chair, swirling her tea back and forth. She had expected as much; of course everyone would be dying to see her. It was only natural. She had just been hoping that she would be able to meet with everyone on individual terms. A big group was guaranteed to be quite the hassle to maintain. Serah and Snow were already both scurrying off to send their friends invitations, and Lightning figured she would take the opportunity to get some much needed rest while she still could. As she was preparing to stand, Serah's head had popped back around the frame of the kitchen.

"Sis!"

Lightning looked up. "Yes...?"

Serah's grin stretched from ear to ear. "...It's good to have you home."

-

 _New New Bodhum looks exactly the same,_ Lightning couldn't help but think to herself.

The dinner destination was Lebreau's. Good old Lebreau may have lost her café diner joint destination twice before, but the third time was always the charm, and the little establishment had flourished in the past few months, becoming more than three times as successful as it had been in the past.

Lightning sat across from Snow in a booth seat beside Serah, picking at her nails anxiously as they awaited the arrival of the guests.

Serah and Snow had agreed to keep Lightning's arrival a secret, instead prompting their friends to join them for a mandatory dinner - no nonsense, no exceptions - stating that they had a big surprise for everybody. Anyone who tried to refuse got told to cancel their plans, as this was going to be well worth it. Curiousity piqued, the guests had complied, wondering what all of the fuss was, and had eventually agreed. Even Noel and Yuel had decided to show, deciding they hadn't seen their friends in a while. The travelling duo had opted to visit for a few days and then proceed with their world travel. All had gone well with little fuss or complaint - all but for one.

"Hope Estheim is being a brat!" Snow had exclaimed through the house, slamming his phone down. Serah began to pout and Lightning couldn't help but give her full attention to the rant that was about to ensue. She pondered the man in question - she had seen Hope a few weeks prior to her arrival to New Palumpolum. He had seemed fine and healthy, and Lightning wondered what the problem was.

"Kid says he's buried in a mountain of Academy docs. Ha ha, funny how that works. He's always buried in a mountain of work, it's all he talks about! The guy must be years ahead of himself with those ridiculous hours he puts in. I can guarantee you it would not kill him if he were to take a break for a few hours to come to dinner." Snow threw his arms into the air for added effect.

"Maybe he's feeling unwell?" Serah offered pitifully. "I hope he's alright. He always gets carried away when he's feeling especially down."

"Yeah, but he's always throwing himself into his work. He doesn't stop. For the past six years it's all he's been doing, ever since-" Snow cut off abruptly as he caught wind of the dire expression Serah was sinking into him as she cast a brief look towards Lightning. She could practically feel the alarm pulsating off of him. Snow quickly regained his composure.

"Look, all I'm saying is that he'd probably be feeling a lot less like burying himself in boring papers when he catches wind of the occasion." Snow stated with a hint of exasperation.

Lightning took a moment to digest what she had heard. She wasn't dense. _So Hope's apparently become a severe workaholic, conveniently right when I left._ She shrugged, half to herself. Hope had always been dedicated to what he did, but the way the Villiers put it, it almost sounded excessive. She couldn't help the guilt that was creeping in under her skin. Was she the reason behind his reclusive composure?

Snow threw his arms behind his head, scratching the back of his head. It felt weird to see him with his hair out of some sort of beanie like it usually was.

"Don't worry, I got this. I'll sucker him in one way or another. Even if I have to bribe him." Snow flashed a grin and Lightning could only quirk an eyebrow in response. Lightning sighed.

_Why was this turning into such a big deal?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnd chapter 5 in here!!! 8'D Minimal Hopelight interaction in this chapter, but I'll make up for it... don't you guys worry >:3 //rubs hands together deviously  
> It's my own personal head-canon that Lightning had AVPD - avoidant personality disorder. So basically I wrote her to have extreme feelings of inadequacy, which leads her to be rather socially inept and have a very low opinion of herself, and believe she doesn't deserve good things or attention, especially from other people. "Because of these feelings of inadequacy and inhibition, the person with avoidant personality disorder will seek to avoid work, school and any activities that involve socializing or interacting with others." - psychcentral  
> IDK the concept of the introverted soldier who saved the world struggling with such extreme feelings of self-resentment that she would isolate herself to such an extreme is.. I don't know. Humbling? Comforting? I guess? As somebody who also struggles from a diagnosed personality disorder, I find it really helps me to relate to her. But hey that's just my own head-canon, and this will be one of the themes of the story. Either way I hope you all enjoy 8'3 Comments and kudos are <3 <3 <3


	6. Hesitation

Picking up his feet to carry himself out of that home had to be one of the hardest things that Hope had ever done, and he had made some pretty tough calls over the span of a thousand years. Leaving his late mother to dwell idle in the footsteps of past in favour of carrying forward, gazing out upon a bleak future at which point his decisions would determine the fate of the universe, continuing to fight blindly to find truth in the world when all that was left was chaos; all had been feats he had accomplished in his lifetime. But forcing himself to walk through that door without looking back, leaving the woman he had spent nearly a thousand years for in wait, had not been an easy accomplishment. As he walked down the path away from her home in the dark, all of his instincts screamed, _begged_ for him to turn around and return to her, to embrace her, hold her close and tell her everything that had ever happened in the collective hundreds of years worth of her absence. How determined he had been to find a way to bring her back, how he had truly believed she was alive somewhere. The way in which he had ritualistically analyzed the oracle drives on a daily basis, trying to find a way to bring her home, how he had worked tirelessly to save the world that she had loved. The way that he had never once stopped believing that she would find her way back to them all. How desperately he had fought to be with her, ultimately leading to his own collapse when the very God of the universe had tried to destroy the light of his hope. How in the end, he had overcome that God, sacrificing his very being to save her. All of the days spent in yearning, wishing with all of his might to be gifted the opportunity to give back to her the very hope that she had bestowed upon him.

Despite the essence of his very being telling him to return unto her, he did not. Instead, he kept pressing forward, a gaping hole swallowing the closeness between them until they were pages upon books apart. He could only move forward, the ache growing hungrier with each passing step, willing the etchings within his heart to dissipate. _For you, I'd do it all a thousand times over._

He didn't even know where he was going. He didn't know the way back to his hotel. Yet when he happened upon a train station, he did not hail a cab to fetch his things. No, he boarded the first train he could find home, electing to have his belongings delivered to him by mail. To wallow in the residue of his failure for a moment longer would surely break him, and when the chance happened upon him, he was gone without a single backwards glance.

Several weeks had passed and Hope had turned to his only salvation - work.

Hope loved his job. He loved science and engineering and designing new projects. In the loss of Lightning whom he had watched over for a thousand years, he could at least still pour his heart into building a better future for the citizens of the New World. It seemed his friends all had different things to say about the situation, however.

"Seriously, Snow? This is how you're trying to get me to come to dinner? Trying to bribe me with ice cream?" Hope tried to keep the impatience out of his voice as he all but moaned into his phone. "As enticing as that sounds... Listen, I'm really sorry Snow, but I just really want to finish-"

"Come on, Hope! You don't understand how important this is. It would mean the world to me and Serah. Just one night Hope. That's all!" Snow whined through the receiver as Hope found himself cut off. He winced.

"If it's so important, why don't you just tell me right now? Or another time? I'm really busy lately-"

"Hoooope!!!" Snow wailed and Hope pursed his lips together in a tight line, stuffing his annoyance back down his own throat. _Patience, Estheim. Patience._ "Look, I can't tell you what it is but it's really, really important that you come this time. Okay? Listen, I might drag you through a lot of senseless outings but this time is different. Everyone is coming, even Noel and Yeul. Please, Hope! I'm begging you, not even for me or Serah, but for you! You gotta be there!" Before Hope had time to protest any more, Snow had hung up. Hope heaved out a sigh, dropping his phone into his lap in favour of using his hands to massage the bridge of his nose. He had to admit, even someone as senseless as Snow wasn't one to hound him so desperately. He groaned from deep within his throat as he reclined back within his chair. This wasn't a battle he appeared to be winning.

Hope knew he was being difficult and that it wouldn't kill him to go out for dinner. But after his run-in with Lightning a few weeks back, he wasn't feeling up to idle socializing. It's not that he didn't love his friends, they had in fact come to be like a family to him. No, he was just feeling all of those thousand years piling up on top of him. Hope was tired - he just wanted time to himself. He was currently at a loss for what to do with himself, and giving back to the world made him feel at ease, as if he were needed. He wanted to have a purpose.

By the time the afternoon before the dinner had rolled around, Hope hadn't decided yet whether he wanted to go or not. In truth, he had actually forgotten all about it until his phone had lit up. For a moment he had been intrigued, hopes piqued as he looked at the message. His interest was met with a firm disappointment as he noted the sender - Snow. He sighed, opening the message, chiding himself for being so disappointed. What had he expected, Lightning to text him saying 'I'm sorry Hope! I've rethought everything. Let's date and conceive bountiful offspring together!'

As soon as the impulsive though had forced itself into his brain, Hope slapped his own hands to his face in embarrassment. Thank goodness no one was around to see his face, beet-red and sheepish. He hadn't known where the thought had even come from. He shook it off and glanced at the message.

_Hey Hope! Just wanted to remind you that dinner's at six at Leb's. They've got ice cream by the buckets :p if you try to skimp out I'll climb through your window and drag you out kicking and screaming myself. i'll save you a seat. seeya soon buddy ;]_

Hope sighed dramatically as he read over the text, glancing over towards his aforementioned window, which he moved to close and lock. He was wondering what the occasion was where Snow would be this pushy - yes , he was already pushy to begin with, not to mention stubborn, but this was weird even for him. Hope quirked an eyebrow at the text. He would be lying if he said he wasn't curious to see what the fuss was about, but he really, truly didn't feel like socializing. Not today. It seemed he was gaining less and less of a choice though, seeing as Snow had threatened to bag and drag him against his will. He eyed his watch, noting that he still had time to shower and get himself ready. Huffing, Hope laid down on his bed, arm over his head, intending to rest just for a moment and contemplate what to wear.

He had definitely not intended to fall asleep, yet that seemed to always be how these things went.

Hope awoke abruptly in a fit of confusion when he felt a strange vibrating sensation somewhere close to him. He pried his eye open, gazing about the now dimly lit room in a blurry stupor. He eventually noticed the offending device, some few feet away from him on the bed, lit up and ringing. He rubbed his eyes in delirium as he reached for the phone, swiping at it before placing it against his ear. "...Hello?" He mumbled sleepily.

"Hope! God, you sound like shiii- I mean, uh, well." Snow coughed on the other end of the line. "Um, point is, you're late and we figured you weren't gonna show, so I'm in your driveway and if you're not out here in the next five minutes I'm breaking your door in with my boot. And don't you go thinking I wouldn't!" Snow laughed maniacally and Hope moved the receiver away from his ear slightly. Hope blinked wearily. What on Earth was he going on about- oh. _Oh_. Hope took a deep breath.

"Listen, I fell asleep, I'm just..." He trailed off as a yawn overtook him.

"Well, evening to you then, sleeping beauty. Rise and shine. My boot's getting ready for kicking."  
  
Hope heaved himself up. Well, if this was how it was gonna be, he figured he might as well get it over with. He grabbed his coat and headed downstairs. "Alright, alright, I'm coming. Don't break my door please, I just got it refurbished." He hung up and opened his front door to reveal Snow standing on his front porch, doing the same. He waved sleepily.

Snow was looking at him like he had sprouted another head. "You're coming like that? Seriously?" His eyes were wide as he studied Hope's attire. Hope had been dimly aware of passing the mirror on the way down, noting that his hair was sticking up at odd angles and he had a line of dried drool caked to his face. "Like, I get that Lebreau's is nothing too fancy, but yeesh, kid. You look like a wreck."

Hope quirked an eyebrow at him. "Well, I wasn't exactly planning on going in the first place. Either you take me as I am or leave me here." Snow just grinned at him in response.

"Fine, fine, suit yourself. Was only trying to give you some advice, man to man." Snow punched him lightly in the arm, however Hope staggered and nearly fell over as he stood on one leg to fasten his boots. "But just remember, I told you so."

-

The drive to Lebreau's was quick and Hope was feeling significantly more awake now. He had at least managed to wipe the drool off of his face and straighten out his wrinkled v-neck shirt, if only slightly. He had pinned down the most brutal of his fly-away hairs, but other than that, the only cure for his dishevelled appearance would be a good shower and a fresh change of clothes. He had at least remembered to spray on some cologne and apply deodorant before leaving.

Snow was rambling about something, but Hope couldn't find the will to listen, yet he still nodded now and then as he watched the scenery pass. Sooner than he had expected, they had arrived at the restaurant.

"I can't exactly guarantee that they waited for us to order. Special taxi delivery of everyone's favourite diva may have taken a little long for some people's stomachs." Snow chirped at him, and Hope couldn't help but grin and smack him over the shoulder.

"I'm pretty sure the only one as impatient as that would be you, Snow. And that's Mr. Diva to you." Hope fluffed his hair with his hand in mock play-along of the joke as the two exited the car and headed into the restaurant.

-

Sazh had been the first to arrive.

Lightning had shuffled in place nervously, not getting up as the man approached. He hadn't seemed to notice her at first, instead moving right to Serah who had stood to welcome him with a hug. He had chuckled, clearly his heart had warmed at the embrace. Then he had noticed Lightning.

Sazh's eyes had crinkled in confusion, and he stepped away from Serah to look her in the face, and then back to Lightning. She could almost see the gears turning behind his squinted gaze, wondering how on Earth there could be _two_ Serahs. And then his eyes had widened in realization and he was rushing at her, arms wide open to envelope her.

"AHHHH!!!!" Sazh bellowed with a note of joy and excitement laced into his voice. "Lightning! I can't believe it!" He moved back from the bear hug to look her up and down. "It is! My God woman, you haven't aged a single day." He waggled a finger at her as he took a place beside Snow, still grinning from ear to ear. "I now see what all the fuss was about. I'm glad I opted to come out tonight. Shame Dajh couldn't do the same, kiddo went out to have dinner with his friends. Looks like I'll have to spoil the surprise myself."

Lightning smiled warmly at him, one of her more genuine smiles. Good old Sazh; he almost seemed to accept her sudden presence with no backlash whatsoever. He was calm and collected with a good nature - something Lightning deeply appreciated about him.

Yeul and Noel were next to show, and both noticed the presence of Lightning much sooner than Sazh had. Lightning was shocked when all they did was smile to each other, and then back at her. She couldn't help but feel that there was some unsaid exchange going on between the two. They both made their way over calmly, Noel plopping down and taking up an unnecessary amount of space, while Yeul at least had the decency to sit in a very lady-like position, erect posture almost making her seem like royalty. Some bizarre kind of royalty at that, because Noel then grappled her around the shoulder, grinning. "Looks like I owe _you_ fifty bucks."

Yeul waved him off, smiling good-naturedly. "I was only kidding when I made that bet with you. You don't owe me anything." Noticing that everyone was looking at them with raised eyebrows, Noel piped up.

"Oh! Sorry everybody, I guess it's been a while. So, uh, hiya. How's everyone. Anyone want to do hugs?" Serah stood up immediately, a big smile on her face and arms extended. Noel looked flabbergasted, clearly having meant it as a joke, but he stood and hugged his former partner in crime anyways before sitting back down. He laughed to himself, explaining his earlier exchange. "Yeul said she had a feeling that someone was coming... Someone we've not seen for a while. I never should have doubted a seeress." He looked back to her, and she turned away shyly.

"It was just... observation, really. I lost my powers in the transfer to the New World. But when Serah called us... In her tone of voice, I just knew." She smiled up at Lightning. No one ever could keep a secret from Yeul - she was simply too clever. "It's good to see you, Lightning."

Noel had turned his attention back to Lightning, whose face showed its trademark neutrality - her gaze was slightly intrigued, however. "I now see what all of the hubbub was about. So..." Noel cocked an eyebrow at her, leaning his elbows on the table. "What's the big occasion? I mean, with the dramatic return and all."

Before Lightning could open her mouth to speak, Serah had piped in. "Now now, any questions for Lightning can wait until everyone's here. No sense in her having to repeat herself." Serah smiled brightly as the group nodded in agreement. Lightning picked nonchalantly at a hangnail. She was grateful so far for the kindness in which she had been received, but a gnawing feeling told her that it wasn't about to last. Noel had reclined in his seat, a grin on his face.

"Well, I can deal with that for now, I suppose. In the meantime," Noel said as he leaned forward, offering his fist to Lightning. "It's good to see you again." Lightning eyed the fist and realized what he was trying to do. Rolling her eyes, she scooted forward and flicked his raised hand. Noel recoiled in mock hurt.

"Ouch. Still as prickly as always, huh. No fist-bump for me." He sniffled, wiping away a fake tear. The group laughed at this, and Snow leaned forward instead to bump fists with Noel.

"It's good to see you guys, too! Glad you could come out." Snow had spoken in reference to Noel and Yeul, right as another pair approached.

"Well, well, would ya look at that, Vanille. Sunshine came out to play on a cloudy day." The telltale voice of Fang announced the arrival of the Oerbans, and Vanille wasted no time in leaping across the line of guests to get at Lightning.

"Woah! We're in a restaurant, or did they not teach y'all basic etiquette in Oerba?" The voice of Sazh was drowned out by Vanille's high pitched squeals.

"Lightning!! I can't believe it's really you! I never thought I'd see you again!" Unlike Noel, Vanille's eyes were brimming with genuine tears. "I never thought this day would come!"

Lightning grimaced as she attempted to peel off the culprit of the relentless assault that the fellow pink-haired girl was unleashing upon her. She huffed out a sigh, realizing her efforts were futile, and allowed herself to be enveloped in hugs. She snorted as Serah got in on the action as well, attempting to shove her grinning sister off. "Oh come on, Serah, not you too. You've already had your turn." Lightning's protests were in vain as slowly, one-by-one, Snow, Sazh, Fang, Noel and even Yeul joined into the big group hug. Lightning could only scowl in defeat by the nature of her... much too cuddly companions. Suddenly, Sazh had withdrawn, looking about in confusion.

"Hey! This lovely reunion picture's missing something." He narrowed his eyes, observing the group before snapping his fingers in realization. "Hope! Where's Hope at? Did he not get invited?"

The group hug had already began to dissolve, and most were already back in their designated seats as Snow slammed his fists onto the table, a fiery look of determination ablaze within the depths of his blue eyes. Lightning could have sworn she heard Serah huff out something akin to 'oh boy, here we go.'

"I knew it. I knew he would have tried to skimp out, the little brat. I even offered him ice cream." Snow pursed his lips in a tight line, attempting to create a look of anger. Unfortunately for him, he was fooling nobody. If anything, he just looked mildly constipated. "That kid, I should have known. I should have dragged him out myself from the very start. He seems to think that just because he's the leader of the prestigious," Snow drawled the word out off of his tongue, "Academy - that he can just blow us off for dinner. Nuh uh, _this guy's_ not gonna stand for that. I'm gonna go get him." Vanille cheered as Snow stood up from the table, shuffling his overly tall self out of the booth and into the aisle.

"Yay! It won't be a reunion party without Hope here! He just doesn't know what he's missing."

"That's right." Fang nodded in agreement, slinging her arm across her lover's shoulders. "Lemmie know if you need backup."

Snow twirled around and made a mock salute. "I'll be back in a bit guys. Can you hold out until I get back?"

Several chirps of agreement confirmed his question, and soon Snow had left the restaurant in a Hope hunt. Sazh snorted.

"Big oaf still calls him a kid, even though he's ancient compared to all of us." Sazh gestured to himself. "Even compared to me! To this! That 'kid' is twice my age!" He pointed at the wrinkled forming under his eyes, and the group broke out in laughter once more.

Lightning scoffed, a smile alight on her lips. "Some habits die hard, I guess." Her smile faltered as everyone turned to look at her. She looked between the faces of her companions, suddenly feeling very self conscious. "What?"

"It's just... It's so weird to have you here again." Sazh spoke honestly, and then rethought his decision. "Weird in a good way. I mean, it's good to have you back. It's just... been a while."

Fang must have noticed Lightning's face take on a note of sobriety, for she reached out her hand to clasp hers tightly. "Hey now. We're all glad to have you back, but it's a little startling to have you turn up out of the blue. Kinda shocking is all."

Noel had offered his voice once again. "Look, I'm sure Snow knows the story already, seeing as him and Serah were in on all of this." He gestured to the group sitting around him for added effect. "And knowing how close you were with Hope, I'm sure he already knows, right? I bet he was the first one you told. I wouldn't be surprised if you two were in kahoots the whole time. So can we hear those deets now? I'm sorry, I'm just dying to know." He was practically begging.

Lightning had stiffened and she prayed her discomfort wasn't visible to the group clustered tightly around her. It wasn't even the prying into her personal life that had set fire to her nerve endings this time. It was the reference to her and Hope.

She had almost forgotten that he had been the one to spur all of the feelings of her imminent return. Had he not sought her out in Noveau Bresha, had he not tracked her down or even checked her old phone after six years at all, she would currently be in her martial arts studio packing up for the night after work. He had been the one to stir the feelings within her, the desires to return to her roots. She remembered how they had last parted, after she had told him that she would not under any circumstances return. The hurt and pain reflected in his eyes as he had left her home without another word. She hadn't told him of her arrival, not yet. She wondered how he would take to seeing her, him being the last to know, in a public place. Lightning felt the chronic guilt that sat beneath her husk boiling upwards, threatening to spill over. And now, he was apparently in such a state of despair that he was refusing to come out at all - even with his friends.

"No... I've not told Hope." She admitted sulkily. The group's eyes all simultaneously softened in pity as they realized the nature of the situation. Noel in part shuffled nervously, realizing awkwardly that he had treaded into uncomfortable territory.

"I'm sure he'll be ecstatic when he finally sees you." Vanille offered, smiling warmly at her. Serah sat gazing at her, looking thoughtful. Lightning decided this may as well be as good a time as any to briefly summarize her absence - something about disclosing the information with Hope listening in made her feel sick to her stomach. With what had transpired in their last meeting... Lightning couldn't fathom why, but she felt compelled to avoid him for as long as possible. She needed time to think.

"I'm... still not sure where I stand on the situation..." She had began. "But I never quite felt at home her after... all that had happened." Lightning had the full attention of the group now, and she gulped under their watchful gaze.

"I just... after everything that had happened, I couldn't quite adjust to the way of the New World. I needed some time to figure some things out. I still haven't quite... finished that, even after six years." It felt strange to be so open, especially to such a large group, even if said group consisted of all of her friends. She felt vulnerable and exposed, even if her explanation was left incredibly vague. "I was just... overwhelmed."

Sazh had made some kind of grunting noise that Lightning could only describe as a chortle, whatever that happened to be. "By God, woman, that didn't mean you had to pack up and high-tail it outa here for six years. Especially without even telling anybody."

Vanille nodded solemnly in agreement with their old friend. "We're your friends. I'm sure we can be overbearing at times, but we're all family. We would have understood." She sounded genuinely hurt and Lightning could feel her face growing hot with shame.

"I know that," she continued, feeling defenseless. She could sense the atmosphere shifting into a darker tone. "I know it wasn't right. And I'm sorry for the pain it must have caused you all. I just..." She trailed off, staring down at the table. "I didn't know what else I could do." She startled when she felt a hand slap down on her shoulder and looked up to see Fang smiling down at her.

"Say no more, sunshine. I get you." Fang glared at the rest of their companions, as if daring them to make a quip. Lightning smiled sadly at her. "Look, what matters is you're here now. You came back. Let's keep the past in the past and focus on celebrating!"

Lightning heard Noel snort across the table as he leaned into Yeul, whispering slightly too loudly. "She's just saying that so we all hurry up and bring out the booze..." He was met with a glare from Vanille, albeit a good-natured and friendly one. Lightning sighed as Fang patted her shoulder a few times before pulling back. The group settled into idle chatter, but the knot in her stomach refused to settle. Lightning was grateful that they had caught wind of her not quite wanting to talk about it. Serah had been donning a conflicted look during the exchange, and Lightning was relieved that she didn't reveal that she was planning on heading back home and disappearing off the map once more when all of this was said and done. The thought was beginning to make her feel more and more terrible. It was as if whatever decision she chose, none were the right one, and all would bring despair in some form or another.

She wished she had never come. It was bittersweet how much she enjoyed the company of her friends, no - her family - but every moment she spent with them would only bring them more pain when she would have to inevitably leave once more. If only Hope hadn't found her! Then she would have been able to keep to her old arrangement of never interacting with anyone ever again, lest she burden them.

And then, as if answering to her very thoughts, _he_ was suddenly there. Lightning's eyes widened as she caught sight of him, Snow in tow. Hope looked oddly ethereal, sleepy eyes downcast and red rimmed. His face was pale and hair artfully disheveled. He was dressed so much simpler than everyone else, including her, which was shocking as she hadn't exactly worn anything special, and he was generally so well-mannered in his dress. He somewhat stood out in his pale gray v-neck and dark, not quite black trousers. He had a silver watch that sat over the regular yellow wristband that he always kept tied around his wrist. His shirt was loose in that it exposed his collar bones, and Lightning found her eyes trained upon the protrusions, telltale signs that he was probably at least a little bit underweight. He looked like the kind of man an artist would seek out to paint - something almost lonesome about his very demeanor, dressed in nearly completely monochrome, save for that dash of yellow - he looked very out of place among the living, as if he were an angel. His steps were light as he kept his eyes trained towards Snow, disheveled bangs hanging in his eyes. Overall, he just looked... tired, and not just in the drowsy sort of manor.

When Hope noticed Lightning, he did not react, and she almost flinched as if his eyes had burned her. They were hollow, as if he wasn't quite seeing her, but rather, right through her. His expression stayed the same as he and Snow approached the table. She could almost feel everyone holding their breath as they waited for him to react, but he sat down calmly, not even looking at her. She found herself being the one to break the silence.

"Um... hello?" She cocked an eyebrow at him and scowled when she received no answer. Was he still upset from their previous encounter? Was he giving her the silent treatment? Their companions were looking between him and her, baffled expressions on their face. Finally he spoke, but it wasn't at all what she was expecting.

"Sorry for the late show. Truth is I kinda fell asleep, but perhaps you can tell by looking at me. But anyways," he laughed nervously as if he were suddenly feeling self conscious, "I see Noel and Yeul really are here. I must say I'm impressed. It's good to see you guys." He smiled warmly at them, but Lightning noticed that his eyes had stayed stoic. It was all very forced, and she felt her concern growing. Was he drunk? No, he was far too coordinated, yet... _not_ at the same time. He was just extremely... out of it. Lightning was startled out of her thoughts by Noel's laughter.

"Yeah, funny. Thanks Hope. I must say our arrival wasn't exactly the biggest shocker of the night, though." He looked between him and then Lightning briefly, but said no more. The look on his face clearly indicated that he thought that Hope was playing some kind of joke. The rest of the table had chuckled slightly, but the overall confusion did not dissipate.

"Yeah, true. I suppose I should have changed into something nicer... that, and taken a good shower. I've been told I've got some pretty intimidating bed-head." He smiled that false smile again, but if anyone else noticed, they didn't show it. They instead laughed at his comment, finding humour in him prioritizing his hair over the reunion with Lightning. Lightning couldn't help her rising alarm, however. She couldn't shake the feeling that something was... off, about Hope. He had never been one for pranks before. He was looking around the table now, a bewildered expression on his face, laughing slightly as well, as if he couldn't understand what was so funny. "I did try straightening it out in the car, but clearly that didn't do it for me, huh." He looked away sheepishly, attempting to tame some fly-aways. Snow then redirected the conversation, albeit a bit hesitantly, as if he were waiting for the charade to pass.

"Uh... so did you guys order or what?" He inquired, glancing at Hope, who had returned to attention. Lightning could dimly remember the waiter passing by a few times, but no food had ever come. If she had to be completely honest, the whole night was growing increasingly blurry.

Fang shook her head in response. "Nah, we shooed the waiter off. Said we were expecting two more. Took you guys long enough though, I'm starved."

"Alright, then. You guys good with all you can eat?" Snow asked, and the group hummed simultaneously in agreement. "Alright. Be right back, I'll take our our order to the desk." Snow scuffled away once more, and everyone had turned back to Hope, concern alight in their eyes that he still hadn't acknowledged Lightning. Growing impatient, she finally snapped.

"Look, we get it, you think you're very funny. Ha ha. Congrats on the joke. Can you please stop pretending to ignore me now? It's getting old." She scoffed, turning to him. Her eyes widened as he ignored her yet _again_ , opting instead to take a sip from the water that was deposited next to him by a waiter in passing. He hadn't even flinched at her sharp tone.

Vanille looked between them, noticing the rising tension. "I never knew you were such a great actor, Hope." She laughed as she tried to diffuse the growth of the steadily increasing stuffy atmosphere. "Aren't you gonna give her a hug or something?"

The question had been innocent enough, but finally, Hope had reacted. He turned to Vanille, confusion written on his face. "What?"

Vanille laughed nervously, pointing to Lightning. "Come on. She's waited long enough. I command hugs!" She made a motion with her hand as if she were trying to direct them together.

Hope's head had turned slowly to stare in her direction, and Lightning stifled a shiver as he looked upon her, eyes widening as if he had only just noticed she was there. He looked between his former companions in a state of confoundment, and then back to Lightning. "You mean..." He had turned back to Vanille. "You can... see her?"

Vanille looked taken aback, mouth hanging agape. She made no further comment, clearly at a loss for words. Hope had turned back, a strange expression painting his features. Lightning couldn't shuffle back in time before he was on her.

His cold hands gripped the sides of her face, startling her. What the hell had gotten into him!? She was about to smack him hands away, but then suddenly his face was only inches from her own, and she halted, arms falling slack at her sides as she gazed upon his face. His hands angled her jaw back and forth, and his eyes were dark with concentration, his brow furrowed, mouth hanging open. He was... he was studying her. And suddenly his eyes had widened, recognition flashing in them. Lightning gripped at her seat as tight as she possibly could, nails digging into the fabric of the seat, arms shaking. Hope was much, much too close.

Then, as if a switch had suddenly been flicked, she snapped out of her trance, throwing her arm out, fist cracking against jaw as she forced Hope out of her personal space in one fell swoop. He flew back, tripping backwards over a chair before landing unceremoniously on the floor, sprawled out with his face to the ground. He gripped his jaw in his hands, and grunted as he touched the spot where he had been struck. Lightning hadn't even registered what was happening - she had simply acted. She had needed to get away immediately, and she was granted escape by the only means she knew how; she had lashed out and struck.

Hope was sitting up on one elbow, hand clenching his jaw. He was looking at her with a mix of awe and something else that she couldn't even begin to put a finger on. She turned back to her companions, who were now dead silent, the poster of shock written across their faces. No one moved a muscle, and Lightning was dimly aware of the fact that the restaurant had grown eerily quiet as waiters and patrons alike stopped to observe the scene. Hope was the first to make a noise, reaching out with his arm towards her, revealing the beginnings of a bruise already forming on his face.

"Light-"

He had no time to finish as she had already turned tail and bolted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //kumo runs by screaming PLEASE IM SORRY I LOVE THE ANGST AND HEARTBREAK I PROMISE I'LL MAKE UP FOR THE PAINNNN  
> anyways, I'm... really not a fan of this chapter D8;; it's longer than the last for sure but it just seems to go on and on and onnn almost like filler but I wanted there to be some depth to everyone's relationship >>;; not my best work imo, but I'm thinking next one will be better! :'D


	7. Patchings

The time spent between the moment of entering that restaurant and the moment Hope hit the floor in recoil of Lightning's fury was a blur. He lay sprawled out on the floor, well aware that his body would be bruised in more places than just his jaw from the harsh fall he had taken. He had looked up to see Lightning towering over him, her face dark, hair blotting out her most prominent features. Her slim yet toned frame had been trembling slightly, and her bottom lip was quivering as she held her fist clenched as her sides. She was standing awkwardly, as if she had paused abruptly mid-step. Hope brought his hand to his jaw, wincing at the pain; and then with the same palm, he had reached out towards her, fingers extended. Her eyes had widened just slightly, glistening with the beginnings of tears. Her ear tips were tinged pink, and Hope wasn't sure if it was in residual anger or shame. He held out his hand to her, her name on his tongue, but as he moved to open his mouth, she had disappeared in a flash comparable to that of her very namesake.

Hope laid his outstretched arm back down. He glanced towards the table - his friends were still and so silent that he could almost imagine that they were the living replicas of a photograph.

Snow was the first to act, snapping his gaze from Lightning's fleeting back to Hope, still laying flat on the ground. "Holy shit. Are you okay?" He had stood and reached out to him, and Hope gladly accepted his help up, fingers finding his throbbing jaw once more. The woman sure could pack a punch.

Snow's movement had sparked the beginnings of a revolution in the group. Serah had stood next, sliding around the edge of the table. "I'm gonna go after her." Like her late sister, Serah had fled the premises in record timing, face alight with shock. Snow helped Hope back into his seat, inspecting his jaw and whistling.

Sazh rubbed the back of his neck. "Damn, kid. She got you good. I mean, that was pretty harsh, even for Lightning." He shook his head in confusion. "Is... there more to this story that we don't know about?"

Hope blinked, trying to replay the situation in his mind.

The number of times he had hallucinated the appearance of Lightning in the past was staggering. Her false presence had first stemmed from loneliness as a coping method; he would try to think the way she did, imagining what she would say or how she would handle the situations he found himself in. Over time the reaction was natural, and Lightning's voice became a phenomenon that he cherished. At least that was until the voices became sentient.

He had at first been alarmed by the fact that he was hearing voices that weren't derived from his own thoughts. Hope would be able to hear Lightning commenting on the things he was doing, contributing complex and well thought out arguments, and making reference to events that he was sure he hadn't been present to witness. The voice of Lightning would front more and more frequently, and Hope couldn't help but treat it as separate from him - it just seemed so lifelike. So much like her. He would lose himself to the comfort of Lightning's voice more and more often, holding conversations with her almost as if she was right in front of him. The more he acknowledged her as the real Lightning, the further the influence of the voice would strengthen, until he could hear it outside of his head, and then again until he could see her. Hope had nearly accepted that his belief in her existence had brought her back to him - but that was all - only nearly. Deep within his gut, he could feel that something was off, that it was all just too implausible. The way he could almost see through her, how she would materialize wherever he looked, the way her hair glistened too brightly under the sun - it all spoke of illusions and mirrors. But he had chosen to ignore all warnings and had instead allowed himself to be lost in the melody of her voice, to fall unto her extended reach; by then it was too late. She had ensnared him in ropes and had carried him as her willing victim into the hands of God, whose fingers had swindled him, molding his body into a puppet.

In the very end, he had realized. When he caught sight of the real Lightning, he knew, even through his clouded gaze - he had been played for a fool. Never again would he allow himself to be made pawn. His love had blinded him until he could no longer see things for what they were - God wearing the skin of a woman, the very being he cherished more than anything. The phantom never left his thoughts after that, the lingering traces of her mysterious presence haunted him; he sometimes could have sworn he had seen her in the peripherals of his vision, dancing along just out of sight, out of reach. It was torturous to be mocked by the presence of the false Lightning, ever reminding him that he was too weak to let go, that he would sooner submit to a fabricated dream to avoid life without her. In the end he had hurt and doomed the real Lightning - or what was left of him, anyhow - in that his love for her had eventually spurred another to use him with the selfish desire to hold her as possession.

When Hope had entered the restaurant, his eyes had found her instantly. He had thought his eyes were playing tricks on him - for the ghost of Lightning to be dancing about in such plain sight - he had to have been dreaming. It had to be some kind of nightmare. He could feel bile rising in his throat and his chest tightening as he approached, vertigo taking over as he lost himself to a state of dissociation. He couldn't understand why she wasn't fading, softening into a blur, lost to the atmosphere. Lightning had turned to him, gazing upon him with a look of disinterest and neutrality that was oh so typical of her, and Hope felt like he was about to wretch. How dare the phantom follow him here, having the nerve to regard him with such nonchalance, as if she belonged in this world? He forced himself forward, everything around him fading into nothingness as he struggled to look elsewhere - anywhere but at _her_. He willed her very shadow to dissolve, he wished with all of his will that she would simply disappear - or that he would, either or. But it seemed the apparition was here to stay. Very well. He would simply pretend she wasn't there at all.

Hope tried to play everything as it were normal, not once glancing over towards Lightning, no - the _imposter_ \- giving it no satisfaction in its desperate attempt to corrupt him once more. She seemed very inclined on staring at him, however. Hope could feel her gaze boring into his very skull, stinging him and infecting him with a lethal venom that rippled up through his crux, searing through his veins and setting fire to his skin. The hot fury of her gaze did not waver or slow, and he was dimly aware of the hairs on his neck rising, but he refused to submit. He would not acknowledge her. He would grit his teeth and harrow through the night, and he would act as normal as he damn well could. Hope took a deep breath, steadying himself.

_I can do this._

He set out to do just that. And everything was going fine, just s _wimmingly_ , or so he had thought.

His resolve came crashing down around him not too soon after, when Vanille had flat out _pointed_ at Lightning's ghost. She had fully acknowledged her, and Hope's thoughts had all staggered to a halt. There was no way around it, the table's gaze all lead to only one place - Lightning. They could see her. But that was impossible. She couldn't have returned. Not after the way things had been left, there was just no way.

His doubts did not stop him from reaching out towards her, though, grappling onto her head and grasping it as a lifeline as he examined her. She was solid and pleasantly warm. Her skin felt soft and supple, and her eyes were wide with shock. He moved closer until their faces were inches apart. The humanity in her gaze startled him. He could see confusion, anger and... a trace of fear? She blinked as he held her, lips pursed and slightly open in alarm. His pinky finger moved slightly until it was over her pulse, which was beating with a ferocity that struck him as very... viable. This was Lightning. This was the real Lightning, she was here, she was real, and he wasn't insane-

He had next found himself falling backwards over a chair, tipping through the aftermath of a large cracking sound - then he was on the floor. A moment later he had felt the sting, and another moment after that came the too late image of Lightning having cracked him in the face with her fist.

And that was that, here they all were. Lightning and Serah were nowhere to be seen, and Hope now found himself staring in the spot that the real Lightning had sat only moments ago. The remainder of the group was staring at him, waiting for him to speak.

"I... I thought I had to be imagining things." Hope didn't meet the eyes of his friends. "For her to be here with everyone... laughing as if everything were normal... I thought I was dreaming. Or hallucinating." He shook his head, unable to wipe the haunted look off of his face.

"That didn't mean you had to ignore her!" Vanille whimpered. Hope flinched, unsure of how he could possibly explain that he had thought she were a phantom there to swindle and corrupt him from the inside out. It just sounded so desperate, so fake.

"I just... I know." Hope sighed, weary. "I didn't mean to spoil the night, guys. I'm sorry." He shook his head, letting out his breath in defeat. Nothing ever seemed to go right anymore, and now he had ruined the reunion of all of his friends as well.

"Nah, don't beat yourself up over it, kid." Sazh soothed. "Though I do think you should go track down Lightning. Maybe explain yourself a bit. I don't think it's us you should be apologizing to, exactly." The suggestion was rational, but Hope couldn't quell the anxiety that built up within him at the thought of explaining to Lightning that he had hallucinated her presence for hundreds of years to cope with the anxieties of being separated from her. It sickened him - people weren't supposed to be this clingy. They weren't supposed to be so _dependant_. What if speaking his thoughts only drove them further apart?

Hope's shoulders sagged. It's not as if they could drift apart any further than they already had since their previous meeting. It couldn't hurt to try, but he still wasn't looking forward to it.

"...Alright. You're right, and I'm sorry for all of this. I'm gonna and try to find her." He decided aloud. He was met with warm encouragements from his companions.

"You do it Hope!" Vanille chirped enthusiastically. "Go make it right!"

With the voices of his friends giving him courage, Hope set out to look for Lightning, willing himself to stuff the nagging feeling of doubt that consumed him right back down his own throat.

-

Serah's shockingly brilliant vocal chords never ceased to amaze Lightning - that, or make her wish any harder that she would stop reclaiming the right to use her outdoor voice at any time, even if they did happen to be outside. She recoiled farther into herself at her sister's boisterous expression of speech.

"What!? Hope actually found you? And you didn't say anything?!" Serah gawked at her with an incredulous look. "I kinda maybe would have liked to know!"

Lightning grimaced as Serah flung her arms around over her head. "I don't see why it's such a big deal. So what, I saw Hope. He... gave me insight to come home, I guess. Compared to my oh-so-glorious return, I didn't exactly think that would be the most interesting part of the story." Lightning muttered, feeling cornered. The two sisters were standing in an alley some few blocks away from the restaurant. Serah had caught up to her rather quickly and they had proceeded to try and find a slightly more quiet place where Lightning could collect her thoughts and calm down.

Serah placed her hand under her own cheek, leaning into it and heaving an exasperated sigh. "Okay, I get it from your point of view. I'm sorry, you wouldn't have known. It's just sort of... complicated with him." The younger Farron shook her head as if to try and shake her thoughts. Lightning found herself growing frustrated at the consistent subject of Hope, and how dodgy everyone was acting whenever he was brought up - changing the subject, exchanging glances, treating him almost as if he were a delicate crystal that needed to be coddled in bubble wrap and handled with utmost care. Lightning was beginning to become downright pissed off.

"Okay, what exactly is going on with him? What the Hell has happened in the past six years that I don't know about?" She decided to take the blunt approach. "He found me, you know that. But then what's all this about him holing up in his room? And then ignoring me? Why does everyone act like they're walking on eggshells when they talk about him?" Lightning snorted out a breath of hot air. "How am I supposed to act when... when he acts like he can't even see me!?"

Serah's face had taken on a look of uneasiness as she regarded her sister. "Well?" Lightning scoffed.

It took Serah a moment to respond. "Hope... he..." She paused as if she didn't know what to say. "He's been... unwell, these past six years, you could say. He didn't exactly take it well when you disappeared. I don't think... he realized it was you that was in front of him." Serah sounded hesitant, but the statement made Lightning pause. It was nothing that she hadn't already known through intuition and observation of the conversations the former l'Cie held, but hearing it spoken flat out made her realize the weight of the situation.

"Look, I'm sorry sis, but... I don't think it's in my right to tell you all about what's been happening with him while you've been gone. I think you really should talk to him privately though." Serah continued. "I just... I wouldn't have tried to surprise him with your arrival if I had known you had already seen him. Especially since you had told him you wouldn't be coming back."

"How am I supposed to just _talk to him_ , like it's all fine and dandy? I just socked him over the face!" Lightning nearly whimpered, but caught herself in time. Serah's gaze had hardened.

"Listen, I respect your right to live your own life, and if you wanted to leave, then that's that. I forgive you, I love you unconditionally." Serah shook her head, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "But to those who were caught in the ripples of your wake... You need to take responsibility for the damage you've caused. Your absence left deep, gaping wounds in that man - in Hope - that have never closed, and I don't know if you realize that. I don't know what's happened between you two, be it in the past or present, or if you want to rekindle what you've had. I don't know what you feel for him, if he's a burden to you or if you don't want him to be a part of your intimate life anymore. I don't know, it's your choice and your business anyways." Serah looked up at her, and the stormy depths present in her eyes caught Lightning off guard. "But Claire, you need to at least talk to him. You can't leave this the way it is. You can't string him along and do as you will, paying no mind how your actions will hurt others." She fixed her firm gaze upon Lightning, eyes gleaming with a fire she had not seen in a long time.

Lightning almost felt offended. Of course she hadn't meant to hurt anyone. She was in fact trying to protect them. Hope wasn't a toy or just some tag-along, and to have Serah imply that she would so readily cast him aside ignited a fiery passion within her that had been subdued within the depths of her heart for a very long time. But of course it would seem that way from a third party perspective. She had never even told him, not anyone, why she had left. Lightning's shoulders drooped as she found herself faced with the ever-growing pit of destruction that she had left in her wake - more than just a hole, she had left a gaping wound, raw and infected, growing bigger and bigger with each step she took.

Instead of saving her companions from despair by keeping away, she had only doomed them to emotional turmoil, Hope seemingly more than others. She couldn't understand why he would fall victim to such debilitating despondence without her - yes, she was well aware of all that he had gone through to save her - he had searched tirelessly in multiple timelines for her and dedicated himself to building a new world to which he could bring her. He had given his soul to save her, he had fought off a tyrannical God for her. Everything he did was for her in some way or another. She had expected him to feel freed when she had finally disappeared out of his life for good. No longer would she fuel his anxieties by burdening him with her presence, even if her absence caused her own self to hurt. But apparently it had caused him much more pain than relief, even more so than what she had been feeling.

Lightning felt sick at the realization of what this meant.

Hope _loved_ her.

The revelation caused her to stagger forward, falling into Serah who squeaked in alarm, but she quickly steadied the older Farron as she gripped tightly onto her sister. Lightning's eyes flitted back and forth, anxiety and horror ablaze within their depths, and she forced back the tears that were threatening to spill over as she held firmly onto Serah.

Lightning was absolutely mortified.

Years and years she had taken to realize the caliber of the strong feelings that Hope held for her. They were partners - they would always share a bond closer than that of friends, or even family. But it had never occurred to her that he might see her as something _more_.

 _No. No, no, no._ This couldn't be happening. Lightning shook her head over and over as if to shake herself out of a stupor. If those had been the feelings he kept locked away in the deepest crevices of his heart, then her disappearance must have absolutely destroyed him - she knew that much. And she was the one to blame.

Hope was her best friend, her partner, her trusted companion, a constant throughout her life. Yes, she deeply appreciated him. She cared for him like no other, even enough to rival that of Serah. She was indisputably drawn to him and the comfort and stability that he provided her - she yearned to have him close, and life without him had felt sickening and meaningless no matter how long she had to grow accustomed to it. It never got any easier, be it in Valhalla, the Ark, or the New World. Lightning had never been good with feelings. Yes, she desired him, to have him close, to know him infinitely, to hold him in ways that no other was given permittance. She dimly remembered the night she had pushed their lips together on impulse driven by alcohol, and how perfect everything had seemed in that moment, how his lips and touch filled her with a sense of complacency, of serenity - but she knew nothing of love. To believe that a person as broken and as sick as she, being able to experience the bonds and passions of _love_ \- it was simply out of the question. She would never be able to give back to him what he gave to her.

He was absolutely, undoubtedly _wrong_ to love her, and she hated that she had inflicted such feelings upon him. She had bound him to a fate of despair. She hated herself for it.

She didn't deserve him.

"Sis? Are... are you okay?" Serah's voice cut into her self-loathing, and Lightning startled, drawing back. Then Serah had stiffened as well, angling her head slightly, and pausing. "...I hear him."

Lightning blinked in confusion, before surely enough, she caught wind of what Serah meant. She heard Hope's voice - he was calling out to her.

Serah peeked her head out of the alleyway, staring up the street, and the pulled her head back, grasping Lightning's shoulder so she could meet her gaze. "He's out there, standing in front of the park. I... You should talk to him."

Lightning's eyes widened and she opened her mouth to speak, but the pleading look in Serah's eyes caught her off guard. She had wanted to refuse, but looking at her sister, she found herself unable to.

"I... Okay." Lightning barely registered the words as they fell out of her mouth before Serah hugged her tightly. Lightning didn't have time to reciprocate before Serah pulled away, smiling once again as she always did.

"Yes! I know you can do it." She gave Lightning a push and she found herself on the sidewalk. "Go get 'em! Make me proud!"

Serah giggled and Lightning turned around to make a smart remark back to her, but she was already skipping down the alley into the street running parallel. Lightning was on her own.

Willing her legs to move her forward, Lightning stepped further onto the sidewalk, looking around. Sure enough, the telltale figure of Hope was some ways up the street in front of a grassy park, calling her name. She set off in his direction, albeit hesitantly. She had no idea where to even begin her explanation.

It seemed too soon by the time she had caught up to him, and yet Hope hadn't even noticed her in favour of collapsing dejectedly on a park bench. He appeared to have given up and was now sitting in front of a walking path that overlooked the beach down below, staring forward intently down at the water.

Lightning took a deep breath before she opened her mouth to speak. She had hoped not to startle him, but he still whipped his head around in shock at the sound of her voice.

"Hope." She looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. "I'm... sorry for hitting you. It was a reflex." She began lamely, not knowing how to continue. Hope shuffled awkwardly in place, moving slightly to the side, his eyes trained on her figure. Lightning realized he was making a spot for her to sit, and she hesitantly moved forward until she was sitting on the opposite side of the bench. She was about to open her mouth again, but he beat her to it.

"I thought you were a ghost coming to haunt me." He laughed drily, and Lightning winced. He turned to face her, and she was taken aback by the haunted look that cast his features in an eerie light, as if he had been deposited right in front of her from another world. "I never... never in a million years expected you to actually come back. And for everyone to be sitting around you, smiling and laughing... it seemed too good to be true." He smiled weakly at her, before turning to look back at the sea.

Lightning felt her brows knitting together in confusion. "Why wouldn't you acknowledge me then? Why wouldn't you test it out?"

Hope startled and turned back to look at her, eyes slightly wide and mouth held open a bit, as if the question had shocked him. He gulped and Lightning watched as his adam's apple bobbed up and down, before yanking her gaze away to look him in the eyes. He was hesitating, mouth opening and and closing repeatedly, as if he couldn't find the words to explain himself. She looked at him through narrowed eyes, before a thought flickered by in her mind. She ventured cautiously. "Or is it something that's happened so frequently that you were sure enough that there was no possible way it could be the real me?"

Hope looked down at his lap, not meeting her gaze, blinking nervously. "...Yes." His voice was quiet, and Lightning was shocked that she had so easily guessed the reasoning behind his actions. She leaned back into the wood of the bench, placing a leg atop her knee.

"How long?" She asked after a few moments.

"...What?"

"How long have I been haunting you?"

Hope flinched away like her very words had burned him. She almost felt bad that her interrogation was causing him such discomfort, but she had to know. If she truly were responsible for his apparent collapse, she wanted to know the details. She needed to know the weight of the damage before deciding whether to move forward.

Lightning nearly drew back as the thought danced its way through her brain. She hadn't quite considered what course of action to even take with Hope. Should she try to salvage their relationship? If she had supposedly caused him so much pain, should she leave his life again? Wouldn't that just make it worse? But if so much damage had already been done, did she even have any right to interact with him at all? Should she push him away for his own good?

She was so caught up in her thoughts that she nearly missed it when Hope replied.

"Since you were taken by the chaos." He sound utterly ashamed as if he had just admitted to committing some terrible sin. Lightning pondered his answer, eyes widening. Since the chaos had taken her?

"You mean... ever since Valhalla?" She asked, stupefied. He nodded once in response. Lightning paused a moment to digest this, a mixture of shock and alarm coursing through her. "You mean... Ever since I vanished, you've been hallucinating my presence?" She shook her head in disbelief.

Hope made a strangled noise from deep within his throat. "Yes."

"What... what did she - did _it_ \- say to you?" Lightning leaned over towards the silver haired man, grasping his hands when he failed to answer. He was looking away from her, his eyes wide and pained as if he could see something that no one else could. "Hope, answer me."

"She told me... she told me everything that I had wanted to hear. That she was you, the real you - speaking to me. That I was on the right path, that if I accepted her, she could break through to me - she could return to our world. She told me that... that the more I loved her, the more strength it would give her. And eventually she came to me, she stood in front of me, arms extended, calling out to me." He gulped, reaching his hand towards her. Lightning eyed him wearily, but didn't move back as he gingerly pushed some stray hairs out of her face. His gaze was focused intently on her, and she found herself unable to fight the rising discomfort that was boiling up from within her core as he described his intimate encounter with a false version of herself.

"I ran into her embrace, and she smiled at me and held me tightly, saying we would never have to be apart again. She held me tighter and tighter until her arms ensnared me, and we became bound as one. She... she was Bhunivelze. He disguised himself using your image to trap me. He... he may be gone now, but my mind just can't forget." Hope was leaning closer to her and his hand had moved to grasp hers. Lightning forced herself to sit still, but she couldn't help the rising anxiety as he began to smooth his thumb across her hands, and she gulped. Her skin felt like it were burning under his touch. "She still lives within me, torments me. And when you left... all I had left was... was-"

"Enough." Lightning yanked her hands away from him, unable to handle the implications of the story a single moment longer, which abruptly halted his speech. She had been unable to hide the horror that laced her voice. She regretted it nearly instantly when his face fell, and he looked away, face burning crimson with shame. A tense silence drew on and Lightning felt guilt rising like bile in her throat.

Lightning was the one to break the silence. "Hope... what all has happened in these past six years?"

Hope laughed bitterly, which caused the hairs on her neck to rise. "What _hasn't_ happened?" He scoffed, bringing his arms further to his sides and turning away, eyes betraying his misery at the current predicament. He looked like he desperately wanted to leave, to run - and yet he stayed put, eyes flitting about nervously. "I looked for you. I looked for you constantly. And I wondered what the Hell I'd done wrong to drive you away. I sought to punish myself for it, whatever it was." A wicked light had flashed in his eyes, and Lightning was shocked. What he'd done... wrong? He wanted to punish himself?

He turned to her, eyes watery and defeated. Lightning felt her heart sinking as the shame as the toll of her sins made itself further known with each passing moment. "Please, Lightning. Please tell me. What did I do to drive you away?"

Lightning was dumbfounded. She hadn't expected that he would blame himself. In the end, she remembered, he had never found out her reason for leaving in the first place. "You didn't do anything." She assured him, although her voice felt weak to her ears.

"Then why did you _leave?!_ " Hope's sudden outburst startled her. She realized he was crying - tears were streaming out of sea green eyes, and his face was contorted in pain. Without thinking, she reached out and grabbed a hold of him, pulling him close by the shoulders into a tight embrace. She held him tightly and she could feel his heart thumping through his chest and she pressed herself into him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders to hold him steady as he sobbed openly into her. His arms laid slack at his sides, trembling as his body was wracked by the force of his sobs. The sun had set long past and the light of dusk had faded, replaced by several early evening stars. Their faces were lit only by a streetlight, and any passerby's had long since retired to their homes.

Lightning could feel the beginnings of tears pricking in the corners of her own eyes, but she forced them back, focusing solely on the broken man who she found herself clinging to. She had no right to comfort him, being the sole cause of his anguish - but she would be damned if she were going to leave him when he so desperately needed comfort - when he so desperately needed love. She might not have been the ideal person to gift him with it, but she would have to do for now. Besides, she owed him the truth. She pulled back from him and he gave no resistance, and instead he flopped back away from her almost as if he were a living corpse. His eyes were hollow and red and his face bore no more emotion - only a tired, neutral disposition graced his features. Lightning steadied him by the shoulders before she spoke.

"Take me back to your home. We need to have a good, long talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! It only took seven chapters but FINALLY these fools are going to have a much needed FEELINGS TALK! No more evasive maneuvers, it's gotta happen this time 8"P;; I'm super happy to finally get here, it only took roughly 30,000 words, what can I say, I like a lot of build up Q_Q;;;;; I'm so elated with the amount of positive feedback this fic has gotten so far, I never considered myself a great writer, but for so many people to be so invested in this story.... T'is humbling |"D AND FINALLY WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO THAT MUCH NEEDED SWEET HOPELIGHT INTERACTION  
> //Kumo sitting in corner waving KISS ALREADY DAMMIT flag  
> Seriously though, thank you to everyone who has commented, given kudos or even just read this so far! Y'all give me inspiration //wipes tear  
> in the meantime, enjoy the latest chapter 8"D


	8. Dry Ice

Hope kicked off his shoes off into the dark house with reckless abandon, unable to find the will to set them off neatly to the side. He flicked on the living room light, which brought the disaster that was his home into full view. Papers and clothes littered the floor, chairs and sofa, and the remains of some takeout boxes had been left on the counter to fester. He hurried into the home, grabbing what he could of the trash laying about and throwing it away, and balling up the littered clothes which he huffed into a pile in his mudroom.

Lightning was removing her boots at the door, and Hope took the opportunity to set up a kettle on the stove.

They had spent the bus ride and walk to Hope's home, once his and Lightning's shared home, in relative silence. They had no way of getting there solely by foot as both Hope and Lightning had been escorted by their respective parties, and so they opted for public transport, and spent the remainder of their travel walking. Roughly forty-five minutes later they had arrived, and Lightning had sent Serah a text that she was sorry about dinner, but she had... _business_ , of sorts, to take care of. Serah had replied with a thumbs up and a winking emoji, much to Lightning's chargin.

Now Lightning was back in Hope's home - a place she had once lived long ago, it's familiarity drowned out by the lonely atmosphere that shrouded her perception.

"I see you've been keeping the place well used." Lightning had spoken honestly, with no inflicting tones or expressions lacing her words. Hope cast a sideways glance at her and shrugged, then moved to offer Lightning a seat on the couch. She accepted, sitting down, and Hope sat adjacent from her on the other sofa.

He tried to make himself comfortable, but found the effort wasted as Hope was beginning to find his own home suddenly felt very foreign and unwelcoming. To have Lightning in it once more was quite nostalgic, but the rigid way in which she sat reminded him of the sobering fact that she no longer lived here. But somehow, he instead felt like the outsider, as if he were intruding on her personal space. He smiled sadly to himself as he recalled that it had originally been her house, written in her name, and she had been the one to invite him to live with her.

Lightning had cleared her throat. "You... don't have to sit so far away." She sounded hesitant and awkward. "I'm not going to bite you."

Hope sighed, looking down at his hands. It was just... too strange to have Lightning in his - their - home once more. "Would you prefer me to sit closer?" He asked with the tiniest whisper of sarcasm, and if he hadn't known better, he could have sworn that Lightning's cheeks had reddened, if only slightly.

"I was just saying." She muttered, before sighing deeply. Hope sighed as well, before moving himself off of the couch - the kettle was whistling. He poured them both tea, setting the cups upon the tea table, before he sat down some feet away from Lightning on the same couch. Her eyebrows raised at this, although only momentarily, before her features softened back into their neutral disposition.

"Thanks. For the tea, I mean."

"Don't mention it."

Silence.

Hope was about to open his mouth, but before he could, Lightening had spoken.

"What do you want to know?"

Hope blinked. He couldn't believe she was even bothering to ask. He wondered how much she would actually say - it seemed that a gaping rift had opened up between them in the years of her absence. He worried that his time with her was limited - that she would soon be gone as she had been once again. He was well aware of her tendency to flee, and he knew that if she wanted to become absent, if there were things she didn't want him to know, if she at any point wanted him out of her life again - she would be gone, and that would be the end. Hope took a deep breath.

"Everything and anything that you're willing to share with me."

She cupped her hands together loosely, staring down at her lap. Hope couldn't help but hold his breath as Lightning began.

"I didn't tell the full story to anyone else. Not even Serah." Lightning took a deep intake of air, seemingly preparing herself for what she was about to say. "I never... I didn't run away. Really, I didn't. I honestly thought I was doing you... everyone, a favour. But I'm beginning to feel I may have misjudged the situation." She paused to collect her thoughts, and Hope couldn't help but to interject.

"Why would you ever think that?" He couldn't keep the hurt out of his voice. "We... we spent months, _years_ looking for you." He shook his head. "So it's true then. You did leave on your own."

Lightning spoke up, voice containing a level of desperation that Hope had never before heard from her. "Yes, I left, but if you think I was happy about it, then you've misunderstood." Her adamance yielded Hope's attention, and he looked up to find her eyes boring into him, pleading for him to hear her out. "No, I wasn't happy. I spent six years of my life isolated and completely alone. It was terrible." She looked away from him once more, down to her lap.

"I was... scared, and even a year after we had arrived in the New World, I couldn't let go of the past. I couldn't stop reliving the terrible things I've seen and done, and all of the people I knew were living reminders of the mistakes I had made, and of all of the times I had failed you all. Everyone who made contact with me... I had forced despair upon them all at one point or another. I had to leave. I would have hurt you had I stayed, over and over again. I was scared." Lightning gripped the fabric of her pants tightly and steadied her trembling hands. Her gaze was unfocused and downcast, and her face bore an anxious frown. Her speech drawled on.

"And so I left. I resigned from the Guardian Corps and forfeit all of my possessions. I bagged some essentials and I was gone." She looked up at Hope, who was eyeing her through knit brows.

"Why... Why didn't you tell anyone...?" He murmured quietly, but judging by the way Lightning looked away from him, he was certain she had heard him. It took her a few moments to respond, before she turned to him and fixed him with a desperate look.

"Would you not have tried to stop me?" She accused, and Hope drew back. Of course they would have. They would all have jumped to attention if they had known just how terrible she had been feeling. Her eyes flashed as she observed him, and her lips twitched dangerously. "Exactly. You would have." Lightning sighed, exasperated. "I was trapped, Hope. I was suffocating under the weight of every single atrocity I've committed. And the only way to repent was to get as far away from all of you as I could - even if it hurt, it was the only way to save all of you."

Hope stood up abruptly, bumping into the coffee table which caused the teacups sitting atop to tremble, ripples appearing in the tea water in which they held. "Why do you keep saying that - to _save_ us? And what if you leaving just made everything worse?" He accused back at her, aware that he was speaking too loudly. Lightning looked up at him, startled, however she quickly restored her composition and her features took on a look of hardness and guard. Hope knew he had to chose his words carefully, or else he would be shut out once more, but nonetheless - he was still having a hard time stuffing his emotions back down his throat. "Did you seriously think that abandoning us without a word was going to make us _happy?_ That's bullshit and you know it, Lightning."

Hope hadn't meant to swear - he hadn't meant to sound aggressive or confrontational, but when six years too late he was finally receiving the answers he had long sought after, he found no backup resolve to control his reactions. His wounds were being torn open and salted, and finally his anguish was leaking through, no longer to be contained. Lightning glowered at him defensively. She was clearly gritting her teeth, but Hope didn't have the mind to be impressed at her commitment to holding back a sharp retort, even in such an emotionally tense scenario. He knew that vulnerability wasn't exactly her forte.

"I told you. I did what I thought was best. ...I was a liability." Her words were clipped.

"Are you serious? So what, you wanted to protect us from yourself, as if you're such a danger to our lives?" Hope was struggling to keep his voice even. "As if we'd just forget about you and leave you to die and rot in complete isolation? Do you seriously think we're that self-absorbed, Light?"

This seemed to cause something to snap within the rose-haired woman, for she too had now stood, and she was now glaring at him from across the room in a defensive stance, face contorted in the beginnings of a snarl. "Are you kidding me? Of course I don't think that of you. Were you listening at all? All I meant was that you all deserved better than me shitting on your lives." She looked away, arms falling slack at her sides, before suddenly stepping back to make a move for the door, shaking her head. "You know what, forget it. This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have come back here. I've only made everything worse."

Hope moved quickly, nearly leaping across the couch to grapple onto Lightning's wrist, which he caught in fleeting. She ripped her arm away from him, spinning around to snap back at him, but Hope was faster in that he grabbed both of her wrists and held tight for dear life. Although he was much bigger than her, she was still significantly stronger than him, and only by luck was he able to dodge the fury of her swinging fists. "Let go of me, Hope! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Where in Etro's name did you get this idea that you ruined our fucking lives? That you have to abandon everything and live some kind of shitty life alone because you think we'd be better off? Our opinion of you isn't for you to decide!" Hope barked at her, wincing when Lightning finally ripped an arm free and shoved him away from her. For the second time that night, Hope found himself laying on the floor. He looked up, expecting her to already be out the door, but she instead stood just in front of it, face red and pinched in some kind of expression he couldn't quite make out.

"You just don't get it!" She shouted, unable to mask the anguish in her voice.

"Then explain it to me!"

"You won't understand, so why fucking bother!"

Hope braced himself on the ground. "Try me." This seemed to set her off, for she proceeded to step towards him, growling.

"How am I supposed to explain or cope when everytime I look at you, all I see is every mistake that I've ever fucking made?" She stepped over him. "Tell me that!"

Hope forced himself up off the floor, eyes widening at what he had just heard. "Every mistake...? Is that all you see us... Is that all you see me as?" He spat. "A mistake?"

Lightning stepped back again, shaking her head, refusing to meet his eyes. "You know that wasn't what I meant."

"Did you keep away because we're _traumatizing_ to look at to you? Oh no, it's not like you leaving wouldn't rip a hole out of our lives or anything!" He grabbed at his own face, shaking his head. Hope couldn't believe how this was all coming together. "Are we just living guilt to you then? Extra baggage that reminds you of everything that's gone to shit in your life? Are we just trash to throw away to you when you decide your life isn't turning out right and you want to clean up? Fuck Hope and the others, they can all go to Hell while I run away from my own damn feelings, right?"

Lightning cut him off before he could continue, stepping right up to him until she was inches from his face. "Don't you dare put words in my mouth, Estheim." She growled in a low voice that Hope wasn't sure he would have caught if they were any inch farther apart.

"Funny you should say that, because that's exactly what you're doing to me."

This caused Lightning to pause. She stepped back, arms coming to cross over her abdomen as her eyes unlocked from his and moved cautiously to the floor. Hope noticed that she was trembling slightly, shoulders hunched over and hair hiding her features from sight. Hope took a deep breath, taking a moment to regain composure. Guilt washed over him as the moment of silence drew on.

"Look," he started, "I didn't mean to-"

"No." She cut him off, not looking up at him. Her voice was soft, greatly contrasting against the shouting match they had been having just moments ago. "You're right. You're absolutely right. I treated you like trash. Absolute shit." She didn't raise her head, and Hope was beginning to feel alarmed. There was something dark growing in the atmosphere, and he had lost status on the length of the rift that was now between them. He felt as if he were falling into oblivion, away from everything he knew, with only her for company, and yet she was a million miles away.

She finally turned to look at him, and Hope's breath caught in his throat as he realized that she was actually crying. "I don't deserve the kindness of any single one of you. I never did. So I left because I knew you would all try to gift it to me anyways." Her voice was hardly more that a whisper. "To live and die alone seemed like a fitting punishment for all of the shit I've brought upon you. Little did I know that punishment would go both ways." She paused, a small sob rippling through her frame. Hope willed himself to move towards her, to comfort her, but he found himself frozen in place. He eyed her wearily, unknowing of what to do or say. She took his silence as an opportunity to continue.

"I honestly thought you would be able to move on and forget about me, but no. I was wrong. I was... I was so fucking stupid. Somewhere along the way, I had carved a deep hole within you to sit myself, one so misshapen that nothing could fill it when I left. I did that to you. You're right, there's no way of excusing my actions as anything other that selfish. And for that, I'm sorry." Slowly, Lightning slumped down until she was seated upon the couch once more, curled in on herself and staring into her lap. "In the end, an action that I thought would free you only fucked you over more." She laughed dryly, smiling crookedly, eyes unfocused. "Funny how these things work, huh? I tried to fix it but now I've only ruined your life further."

Hope didn't know what to say. The conversation had taken a drastic turn and he found himself rooted in place, trying to figure out if what he was currently experiencing was a fabrication of reality. He struggled to find something reassuring to say, but nothing came to mind. Could... Could nothing more fix this? "Light... why are you so convinced that you're some kind of pinnacle of disaster?" He asked softly.

She smiled up at him, eyes hollow and defeated. "Every choice I make is the wrong one." Lightning replied simply.

Hope pursed his lips, trying to digest this. "How is that possible? You're a well-owned soldier, you're clever and skilled. You've survived being a l'Cie, defeated chaos, saved countless souls; for Etro's sake, Lightning, you've been sought out by multiple Gods to rectify the sins of the world. How can you possibly think that your existence is such a waste?"

Hope recoiled sharply as her arm lashed out, punching hard into the sofa, yielding a loud creak from its baseboard. "And what Gods were they? Where are they now? Both are dead, in case you hadn't noticed. I _couldn't_ save everyone. I may have brought you here, but at what cost? You all perished so many times, and each and every time, it was at my own fault. I could do nothing!" She clasped her head in her hands, violently shaking her head. "I sent my own sister to her death. I destroyed the timeline and countless lives with my own stupid and selfish desires. The single and only thing I managed to do right was bring you all here. I... I had to leave before I ruined your chances to find happiness in a new life."

"But... you are the reason I'm still alive at all."

Hope finally stepped forward, tentatively reaching out towards Lightning, who didn't move a muscle as he approached. Gingerly, he lifted her chin to look at him, and he was reminded of the hundreds of years that had passed and a similar moment that had occurred during their journey as l'Cie. He recalled fondly the day when he had accepted himself as a liability despite every forward effort he would make - a weakness and burden to his friends. He had urged them to abandon him, losing himself to his internal self loathing which boiled out from within his core. They had all assured him of how far he had come. Lightning had lifted his chin up to look at her, bathed in a heavenly glow from the atmosphere and fire. She had smiled at him, a soft smile that he had never witnessed from her before, and his heart had lurched painfully. For the first time, her eyes had opened to him as if they were a window to her innermost of feelings, and he had seen clearly the emotions and softness for him that she felt, only amplified by the delicate way in which she thumbed his chin. It was a side of her he had never before seen, even with how close they had grown. In that moment, she had finally let him see her for what she truly was.

In that moment, his self-loathing erupted in a powerful burst in the form of an eidolon. He couldn't stand the thought of endangering her or causing her pain. The beast had come to claim him - or so he thought, until he could feel his friends, until he could feel Lightning rushing to his side to defend him. And she had told him of the gift he had, the power he held within. Time and time again he had proved himself worthy, willing to improve and sacrifice himself for others - in the end, no one could have asked for more.

To think that Lightning could think she was so worthless when like he, she had proven her own self time and time again, was astounding. He smiled softly down at her. She was only human. She could only do what her heart believed right, and in some cases, there was no right answer. But as long as she had tried, and always kept the best interests of others in her heart, she was worthy of all of the love and acceptance in the world. Hope figured it was about time she were reminded of this.

"You were the one who taught me what it means to have hope." He began. "When we were l'Cie... when I lost my mother... you showed me how to find new purpose. How to keep my eyes front, forever moving forward. How to find new reasons to live on. When you disappeared... when time fell apart, the hope of finding you is what drove me forward. To save the world, to build a new cocoon - I knew that's what you would have wanted. More than that, I wanted it too. The memory of you was my strength, but more than anything... I just wanted to be with you again, Light." Hope paused, searching for a way to word what he wanted to say next.

"When... When Bhunivelze had taken over my body and my mind was forced into dormancy, I still fought. I fought to be with you, to overcome him. I couldn't stand to have him in my place after I had waited so long to see you again. To have him using my body for such terrible deeds... It was awful, unbearable. But by the time he had released his hold over me, my time was over. More than anything, I wanted you to be happy, even at my own expense. And I prayed that you would succeed in your task. You were the one who taught me that compassion, Light. It was all you."

Lightning finally had regained her composure enough to speak. She shook her head. "It was inside of you all along. You're just naturally a good person, Hope. But not me. In contrast, I'm just... I'm just-"

"You're just what?" Hope interjected. He had had enough of the circles that they kept repeating. "Has it ever occurred to you that I like you the way you are? Or that I think that in the end, you truly were the best to hold the title of Champion, or Saviour? You saved all of us, Lightning. You saved me. From the moment we met under the Fal'Cie and even until now, you have always been the one who kept me going. It was all for you." Hope grasped her hands within his own, holding them up to his mouth where he softly touched his lips to the skin of her wrist. Her pulse beat wildly against his, and Hope looked up to see her eyebrows twitch in surprise. "Since the day you allowed me to journey with you, right up until now, I have wanted nothing more than to stay by your side. To me... you're worth every moment I've spent alone waiting for you in the past thousand years. And I would do it all over for you in a heartbeat."

Hope raised his eyes to meet her gaze, and was alarmed by the neutrality he was met with. Her blue eyes were boring into his, and his skin prickled with unease. "Lightning?"

"Your unwavering attachment towards me is humbling... but idiotic." The ice in her voice shocked Hope, and he released her hands from his own, hearing rather than seeing them fall heavily into her lap. "In a thousand years, did it never occur to you to seek out companionship elsewhere?"

Hope recoiled - it was his turn to back away. To his dismay, Lightning had stood, her gaze locked on his, and she had stepped forward after him. Hope gulped.

"I'm... I don't understand what you mean." He stammered nervously, unable to wrap his head around how quickly the atmosphere of the conversation shifted. Lightning's gaze softened, but only for a split second, before it sharpened into an unreadable glare once more.

"I know you know what I mean. If you've been as lonely as you say, why haven't you sought out comfort in other ways? I know how well-liked you were back in the old world as Academy leader, I doubt that your popularity will have dissipated in this world. I'm sure you could find someone to suit your needs."

Hope struggled to grasp at her meaning. "Are you referring to my love life?" He asked, dumbfounded as to why she would be interested in his lackluster romantic life. "Because no, I've never..." He trailed off, rethinking how he would respond. He figured it wasn't exactly time to reveal his fixation with her that he had been harbouring over the past thousand years during their heated exchange. "No one has ever caught my eye." _Not like you._ Lightning narrowed her eyes as she surveyed him.

"Why are you holding back?" She murmured softly, and Hope wondered if he were supposed to hear it at all. She shook her head before piercing him with a hard stare. "Hope." She addressed him fiercly, and Hope instinctively stood taller, prepared to hold his ground. "You've suffered so much on my behalf, and for no due reason. Time and time over, I have disappeared from your life, and yet each time you fight day and night, breaking boundaries to get to me. It hasn't been easy on you, and I know that. Even now, here we are again. None of it was ever expected of you. So why is it that..." She trailed off, looking away, visibly thinking. Hope stepped backwards once more, only to find that his body had hit the wall. Feeling cornered, he gulped as he looked upon the source of his thousand year's anguish - the woman that he loved more than anything else in the world, his pillar, his strength. She spoke to him, and her voice pierced him like daggers.

"Why is it that you can't let go of me?" She took another step. "Why do you torture yourself over me? Can't you see I'm no good for you?" Lightning had stepped into his personal space, her face inches from his as if she were testing him.

"You were a fool to choose me."

"I don't regret a moment I've spent waiting for you." Without thinking, Hope lifted a hand to cup her chin. To his surprise, she leaned into it, gazing at him through half-hooded lids. In that moment, something inside of him broke, and he found his gaze growing blurry as his eyes filled with tears. He could feel the wetness collecting on his eyelashes before dripping down, too weighted to trail down his face, instead falling heavily at his feet. "It was my choice. You never manipulated me or tricked me into feeling the way that I do. It's like you said... it all comes from me. Even if you were to leave now and never again return, I'm happy you've given me the privilege to know your feelings, even if they came six years too late." Lightning looked away at his confession. "I'm so glad to have known you. If you don't want to be here, I won't stop you - I just hope your choices are for you, not to appease some false sense of guilt. Oh Lightning... I wish I could show you just how cherished you are."

"And what if you did? I don't have anything to return to you if you do!" Lightning whimpered, suddenly stepping back as if she had only just realized the closeness of their proximity. "I was born to be alone, Hope. I'm a soldier. All I can do is follow orders. I... I can't feel..." She trailed off, deciding to change her approach. "Please, for your own good, Hope - I'm requesting that you give up on me." Lightning was fully off of him now, eyeing him as if she were an abused animal, cowering from thrown punches.

Hope took a moment to wipe at his eyes, roughly clearing his vision. He sighed, glancing back up to meet her eyes. "I couldn't move on from you if I tried, Light. You... to me... you're my hope. And like you told me years ago, I will always chase after hope and find it anew; no matter what, I can't give up. Not even if I wanted to." He spoke honestly, willing his words to get across to her, to make her understand his heart, even as the risk of sounding cheesy. "Lightning. I don't expect you to return it, but please... more than anything, I want you to accept..." Hope took a deep breath, unsure of whether or not he should continue. He stepped forward towards her, lifting his hand to wipe the unshed tears from her eyes.

"Just know... that to me, you are the only person I've met in all of my thousand years who I could ever give my unwavering love and support to, unconditionally. The moment I met you, you took my heart into your hands, and you've held it ever since." With that, Hope leaned forward, gently pressing his lips onto the corner of Lightning's own. Nostalgia washed over him at the contact, and bittersweet memories flooded his subconscious of the kiss they had shared six years prior, the day before Lightning had left. But nearly as soon as Hope had touched his lips to her skin, he pulled back, ending the gesture just as fast as he had initiated it. "Please allow me to show you the hope that you've shown me."

Lightning stared at him, eyes wide with shock. She hadn't reciprocated, but hadn't moved away either as he had closed in upon her. She now stood still in front of him, arms limp at her sides, staring at him. She took a deep breath.

"You love me." She stated simply, no inflictions or waver in her tone.

"Yes." He bowed his head, stepping back.

"But I... I don't- I can't..."

She cut off abruptly, unsure of what to make of the situation. Hope smiled knowingly and shrugged. "It doesn't matter what you feel for me, or whether or not you return my feelings. I am blessed enough to have been given the chance to know someone like you in my lifetime. All I want is for you to acknowledge that somebody feels this way about you. Someone thinks the world of you, and whether you believe they should or not - it doesn't change the fact that this is how it is."

"You... You would never want what I have to give. There's nothing I can give back for all of the years wasted-"

"You are not a waste!" Hope cried out and Lightning halted, startled by the outburst. "What would it take for you to see your own worth? What do I have to do to prove it to you?!" Hope reached forward again, grasping her hands. "The only time wasted is the time you spend trying to punish yourself for your own humanity! People make mistakes, but that doesn't make them any less deserving of love!"

"Then what about you?" Lightning challenged. "You told me that you sought to punish yourself for supposedly failing me, for 'driving me away', or some other crap. How can you possibly be telling me my time spent over self-loathing is a waste when you do the exact same?"

Hope could only blink in response, searching for something to say. He sighed. "I guess we're both masochists, wallowing in our own misery for fun." He tried to joke, but he couldn't bring himself to laugh.

"Lightning. Please... please allow yourself to be more selfish. You give and give to the point you have nothing left for yourself... You count your mistakes like currency, and to allow yourself the smallest shred of happiness you believe you must pay an unfathomable price. But love isn't something you have to exchange karma for, or something you have to pay back... There is no punishment for accepting yourself as a person worthy of love, of attention, of companionship. There is no price on forgiveness." Hope spoke genuinely, and was shocked when he actually earned a chuckle from Lightning.

"You sound like some kind of positivity preacher." She scoffed, lips turned slightly upwards, a shimmer returning to her eyes that had been absent before.

"A little bit of positive thinking can go a long way." He replied simply. For the first time since the night began, they found themselves in a comfortable silence.

"I don't deserve someone like you, Hope." Lightning spoke softly, and Hope frowned. He was about to open his mouth to speak, but he halted when he noticed Lightning smiling at him. "But thank you for your love anyways. Even if... Even if I don't think I deserve it. I just hope that one day I do. I hope to one day be someone who is worthy... to be your hope."

Before he could contradict her, Lightning had closed the distance between them by pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek. Before Hope had even registered what had happened, she had pulled away, lips twitching upwards as she regarded his bewilderment with a bemused expression. She lifted her hand to delicately cup his cheek, which he relaxed into, letting out a sigh of contentment.

"Listen... I should probably go. Serah wants me up early tomorrow to go shopping with her tomorrow." With that she pulled away from him, moving towards the door to let herself out.

"Wait!" He cried out, feeling suddenly panicked. He had snapped out of his stupor just in time to stop her before her hands reached to clasp door handle. "Am I... can I see you again? After tonight, I mean." He asked, feeling suddenly exposed and nervous.

She turned around to look at him, her eyes softening. "If... if that would make you happy, then sure. But Hope... are you sure? I already admitted that I... I don't share your feelings. I don't even know if I'm capable..." She shook her head. "Doesn't knowing that hurt you?"

Hope sighed, closing his eyes. "I already told you that I don't mind, Light. I don't expect anything of you in return for my love." He looked up at her, eyes pleading. "To be able to admire you from afar is enough for me. Please allow me... I want to be with you, but only as long as you will allow me." He spoke honestly. It seemed to appease her, for she nodded solemnly.

"If being around me for whatever reason makes you happy, then you are welcome to stay with me. It's the least I can do for all of the pain I've caused you." She sounded thoughtful, but Hope found himself uneasy with the statement. He was thrilled for the opportunity to be close to Lightning, but the way she had phrased it hadn't sounded quite right. "Alright then. Talk to Serah. Maybe if you ask nicely, she'll let you come along on our girl's day out tomorrow." She laughed, smiling over her shoulder as she finally made her way through the door.

"It was... good to talk to you, Hope. Thank you for giving me a chance to explain myself. I'm grateful." Something glistened within her eyes, and Hope couldn't help but shiver. He could practically see the guilt that clouded her eyes - even after their long conversation, something still felt unresolved. The thought made him feel ill. "See you later then I guess."

And then she was gone, and he was left in the suffocating silence of his empty living room.

Hope fell upon the couch, the grip of exhaustion finally pushing him to let out a drawn out breath of air. He leaned forward to bring his untouched cup to his mouth, eager to take a sip after the rough night, only to pause, swirling the liquid around within his mug and watching as it rippled outwards towards the sides.

He couldn't stop his thoughts from rushing to analyze the exchange. He couldn't help the hurt he felt that Lightning didn't seem to return his feelings - she had proved to him that she held great attachment for him, but seemed hesitant over the love concept, going to great lengths to say that she was unable to feel such a thing. And yet she hadn't rejected him - she had in fact accepted the feelings, even going so far as to thank him for them. _It's the least I can do for all of the pain I've caused you._

His skin prickled with unease. Combined with the guilt he had witnessed in her eyes, the conversation had only proved that her desire to repent was still ever present - faced with the mistake of leaving her friends behind due to misjudgment, she now seemed to be acting almost submissive in that she was not protesting his wishes, almost prioritizing his feelings over her own.

Hope sighed. He desperately wanted to prove to her that she was worth the love he felt for her, that her very existence was not some sort of cosmic mistake begging to be rectified - that she did not have to take it upon herself to give her very soul to repent for all of the darkness in the world, as if she were its cause. Even from his heartfelt reassurance from their previous conversation, she had still managed to relapse into her self-resenting train of thought within moments. How could he possibly come to change the very fundamentals of the inner workings of her mind? He couldn't simply rearranged the neuronic bonds in her mind to produce different thought processes. He could give her unwavering love and support, but in the end, he would be unable to alter her will - it would be something she would need to resolve for herself.

Between he who only wanted to prove to her how beloved she was, and she who truly believed she was not worthy of love or acceptance, the two had found themselves caught between some twisted game of push and pull. They were both highly stubborn people, the weight of their own resolve remaining unchanged, and neither one of them seemed to have any mind to back down. Hope recalled the analogy of the unstoppable force versus the unmovable object. _And I thought we rid the world of its paradoxes long ago._

His heart sank at the thought. It was so unlike the image of the Warrior Goddess that most held of her - strong, independent, fearless - no, the Lightning he knew was not one to ever submit. This wasn't the same Lightning he had known, idolized, admired, from the past.

Realization hit Hope over the head like a blunt mallot.

No - the person who had stood in front of him mere moments ago was not Lightning, but another.

Somewhere along the way, the alias had crumbled down around the soft, vulnerable woman beneath it - the woman who doubted, who was unsure, the woman who only desperately needed love but had never received it, not once;

Claire Farron.

Lightning was the person she had strived to become in her time of need, but Claire had always stayed stowed away underneath, her feelings and insecurities still leaking through. Now the were flowing out in a flood and sweeping away her resolve and will to fight it.

"Oh, Lightning." Hope shook his head. "All I want is for you to find happiness and peace within yourself. How can I possibly make you see that you're so much better than what you've settled for?"

Recalling the mug he held within his trembling hands, Hope touched its edge to his lips, only to find that the tea had grown cold. With a heavy heart, he stood up, moving in silence to the sink where he poured the full cup of liquid down the drain.

-

Somewhere outside, Lightning carried herself forward under the dim light of a streetlight, heavy under the weight of her failed atonement. At some point, her very existence had caused an anomaly, leading her petulant soul to conceive sin, unbeknownst to even herself. From the moment she had happened upon the lost Hope from long ago, an indestructible bond had been born of the two. Be it fate of circumstance or just unfortunate luck, their hearts had been bound together for all of eternity.

Hope Estheim, the world's great leader, the man with the most glorious potential in the world - and she had stolen his heart for her own without even knowing, where it became permanently enclosed beneath her grisly, hardened shell, never to return to see the light of day. By her own fault, Lightning had carved herself a permanent spot in his heart where none other could fit but herself; of every possible woman he could have chosen, it had to be her.

She had taken so much from him. Lightning couldn't understand why he still wanted her around, even after she had flat out near rejected his feelings right to his face.

And yet he still had the nerve to push for her to see her own supposed self-worth, completely throwing his own feelings and trauma right out from under for him in the process. The thought made Lightning want to wretch. He was far too tolerant, readily forgiving, eager to be the one to show her the love he claimed she so desperately needed, relentlessly beating a dead horse with all of his might. Hope could not have chosen a worse person to dedicate his unrelenting love and affections towards - her very humanity may as well have been stripped away long ago, never returned to her upon her rebirth into the New World, forever held divine and raw. He sought to show her love, and yet she had been molded beyond repair into a Goddess of War - but as they say, nothing ever was fair in love and war, despite the claims. Now Hope was the one suffering for it, and she was his blind persecutor.

Lightning shook her head, squinting through her blurry vision. She blinked, and she felt startled when hot moisture slipped down her cheek, crying yet again. She had effectively shed more tears in one night than she had in years.

She couldn't understand the suffocating feeling that gripped her tender frame, the way that every breath seemed to threaten the collapse of her lungs - nor could she comprehend the knot in her stomach or the way her heart seemed to be beating with an ache that spread cold fire through her whole body. She wasn't supposed to be the one who was hurting, not when her conscience was weighted with the burdens of fault - yet her body seemed to have its own ideas. All of her instincts told her to return to him, to take it all back, to promise him she'd never again leave him - yet the very thought was inconceivable and absolutely out of the question.

It didn't matter what Lightning felt for him. The way that she felt at home anywhere that he was, or the way that even in the midst of a heated argument, she felt compelled to explain herself to him, as if she wanted him to understand her feelings, as if she wanted him to know the most intimate details of her own life. Nor did it matter the way she longed to know his, where he had been the past six years, or hundred years, or even thousand. It didn't matter that something about coming home to her friends and family had seemed meaningless if he wasn't there to share it with her. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

People like her did not have the right to claim people like him for her own. She did not have the right to weigh him down or force her burdens upon him. Hope had his own life to live, his own fate to succeed - and she had hers. No matter how much she wanted it, to take him for her own - to do so would be to commit the ultimate act of selfishness, and the weight of the additional sin would be sure to crush her beneath the heft of all she held above her.

She would sooner die than be the one responsible for snuffing out the light of Hope.

"Oh, Hope." She whispered to herself. "How can I possibly make you see that you're worth so much more than what you've settled for?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a pretty damn long chapter. sweats  
> D"8 WELL THEY HAD THEIR CONVERSATION but it seems nothing is all that resolved. At least they've finally had some kind of heart to heart though right?? NOW STOP HIDING BEHIND YOUR FEELINGS AND KISS  
> Ahem, anyways... lot'sa dialogue in this chapter. The most dialogue I've ever written, no joke! Granted this entire fic is the largest thing I've ever wrote before so. Actually in my life this is only my second ever soooo... lot's of firsts are coming to play in the production of this angstfest! But anywho, I'm getting sick (t'is the season yadda yadda) I think so the next chapter may be a little later than normal while I rest up with a good ol' heating pad and some chicken noodle soup. HUFFS but I generally am pretty dedicated so we'll see... either way I'm thinkin' we desperately need some fluff next chapter to soothe all of our aching hearts. Specifically mine. KISS OTP FUCK ME AND MY ANGST WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF!!! IM SORRY PLS FORGIVE ME OTP


	9. Two and a Half

The night lapsed at a crawl, and Hope slept fitfully, his mind plagued by anxieties and doubts. He had considered calling Serah, but had been overcome with worry at the thought - would he seem rude for inviting himself along out of nowhere? Would he seem to eager? Hope had proceed to fret well into the night before eventually succumbing to a troubled sleep.

He awoke early, even on his day off. The early rays of the rising sun bathed his bedside in a soft light, and he blinked away the moisture in his eyes sleepily, mouth opening wide in a lazy yawn. He felt warm and safe under his covers, the chill of the bitter late Autumn winds seeming far away. Curled alone in the security of his bedroom, Hope couldn't help but close his eyes, basking in the fantasy of Lightning snuggled up beside him - and with that, he found himself sitting bolt upright, suddenly wide awake.

Hope wiped his clammy hands across his face, eyes still bleary, and reluctantly removed himself from the comfort of his mattress to make his way to the bathroom. He stripped out of his boxers and stepped into the shower, the warm spray of the water and the smell of shampoo restoring him to full wakefulness. As he tolled through the motions of his shower routine, Hope found himself once more fixated on his encounter with Lightning from the night prior. She had accepted his wish to see her again, even indirectly inviting him to come along for her private outing with Serah. He ran shampoo through the roots of his hair, scrubbing thoughtfully. He was unsure of whether she had meant it as a joke or not - but when else would he be able to see her? Should he call her to make an appointment?

He recalled that he still had her phone number, but once again, it seemed almost too desperate. He felt awkward and uncomfortable, unsure of how to approach her. He desperately wanted to see her, but her tendency to flee and avoid social interaction halted him. Would he scare her away if he flat-out just asked? Should he make up an excuse to see her, such as visiting Snow, or offering to babysit the Villiers' children, or find a way to run into Lightning _by chance?_ He grimaced at the thought.

He didn't know how long he had spent just thinking over excuses to see Lightning, but he found himself only midway soaped when the doorbell rang. Almost thinking that he had imagined it, Hope rinsed down quickly, shut off the water and toweled down. The doorbell rang again, and then yet another time, the sound echoing through his home. He scowled. It was only just after sunrise, and Hope couldn't fathom who would be requesting him at the door so early, not to mention so persistently.

He started out of the bathroom, only to pause as he considered the person at the door. His heart leapt from within his chest at the thought that it could very well be Lightning, there to pick him up. He smiled gleefully to himself at the revelation, running back into his room to rapidly throw on fresh boxers and a pullover long-sleeved shirt, grabbing his pants to pull up as he headed down the stairs.

The doorbell still found itself being relentlessly hammered, the ring echoing throughout his home. With a sigh of relief he finally met the door handle, just managing to zip his fly before opening the door to reveal a tall, burly man on the other side. Hope couldn't hide the disappointment he felt taking hold of his face in the form of a grimace.

"Snow? What are you doing here so early?" Hope groaned as the behemoth of a man flashed him a big grin.

"What? You left so quickly last night, I hardly had any chance to see you. Had to hear the story from the rest of the gang. Lo and behold, you two never even came back! You slithery little runt, shoulda known you would've skimped out on dinner some way or another." Snow pretended to wipe away a tear, but Hope gave no response to the lame joke. "Anyways, that face is no way to greet the guy coming to check up on you. I was worried, ya know?"

Hope scoffed, glancing across his living room at the clock that hung over the mantle. "Huh. Worried at 7:53 A.M on a weekend?"

"You make it sound like it's some sort of big deal! Maybe I just wanted to hang out! I can make it worth your while..." Snow trailed off ominously and Hope quirked an eyebrow, unable to feign disinterest. The oaf was clearly planning something.

"Snow, why are you really here?" Hope asked outright, and Snow defensively put up his hands.

"Okay, okay, you got me, but listen. Serah's coming down with something, and she and sis had plans, ya know? But now she can't go out but she doesn't want Light to be stuck in the house or get sick or anything, I've got plans, the babysitter cancelled, and Serah can't really take care of the kids in her state... -"

"Could you cut the to chase?" Hope found himself baffled by the onslaught of information, and Snow cleared his throat.

"Okay, I practically begged Lightning to take the kids for the day, at least until I get back but she's convinced they'll expire in her care or something, I don't know. So now I'm here with the hopes of begging you to maybe... help her look after my kids?" Snow flashed him a wonky grin, eyes practically swimming with desperation. Hope felt taken aback, trying to process the information.

"I know it's short notice and that you and Light didn't err... exactly have the best reunion last night but she won't do it without help and everyone else is busy, I'm seriously running out of options, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this and I'll owe you ten times over for this I swear I will repay you-" Snow was nearly at his knees begging, but Hope found himself at a loss of words. An opportunity had fallen into his lap as if it were a gift from the Gods themselves - him alone with Lightning all day, save for the two kids. He barely registered interrupting Snow's rant of begging until Snow had leapt at him.

"Uh, sure?"

Snow voiced his relief in the form of an ear shattering screech directly into his ears. "YES!!" Snow was suddenly in his house, grabbing Hope's keys off the kitchen table and shoving them into his hands haphazardly. "You're the best man, I owe ya. Alright, let's get going, I got Light and the kids in the back of the car ready to go-"

"Wait, what?" Hope deadpanned. "In the car... you... what? Where are we going?"

"Wh-... weren't you listening? Look, I already said I got tickets to the amusement park-"

"Amusement park?" Hope deadpanned. How much of Snow's rambling had he missed?

"Uh... yeah... You're acting kind of weird today, Hope. Are you sure you're not sleepwalking or something?" Snow paused in front of him, waving his hand in front of his face, before continuing. "Look, we're burning daylight! Grab your stuff and let's move, I got heaps of stuff to do alright? Go go go!"

With that, Hope found his wallet and various belongings shoved into his arms and he had only just been able to grab his coat before being ushered out the door.

He found himself seated in the backseat of the Villiers' car between two plastic car seats occupied by crying kids. He hadn't noticed the scowling face of Lightning in the front passenger seat until Snow had addressed her.

"Sis! How long have the kids been crying?" He shook his finger at her accusingly, and she fixed him with a withering look.

"Uhh... since you left? And don't call me that." She drawled, clearly slightly annoyed to have been suckered into babysitting so early in the morning. Her eyes were shadowed by puffy dark bags and she had a bit of dried drool caking the side of her mouth, as if she had only woken up moments before being dragged away to meet her grizzly fate of playing daycare. "Look, I already told you, I don't do well with kids. I don't know how the hell you goaded me into this."

Snow huffed, moving to give Claire back her stuffed animal that had fallen beneath the car seat and replacing Lumina's pacifier back into her mouth. He finally took his place back in the driver's seat, and Hope shuffled uncomfortably between the two car seats which were digging into his hips. "I got Hope! The day is saved after all." Snow pumped his fist in the air in triumph but was met with silence from the remainder of the passengers. "Uhh.. okay. So anyways..."

Snow cleared his throat as he pulled out of the driveway and began to detail the day plan.

"Okay, so both of you have Serah's phone number... I know that Hope has mine. Feel free to call is anything goes awry. I already called ahead to the toddler daycare at the park and they're all set to take Lumina for the day... she's still a little young for the rides and all and she'll probably get crabby pretty quickly, so you can leave her with the staff. I know the owner, she'll be in good hands. So that leaves Claire!"

The little girl piped up at the mention of her name. "I wanna go on the BIGGEST roller coaster they've got!" She chirped adventurously and Hope shuddered. Roller coasters were absolutely not his thing. Chocoboco Park was a semi-indoor theme park, at least meaning that none of the absolutely monstrous outdoor rides would be in operation at this time of year, but Hope still couldn't quell the anxiety over participating in the park rides.

Snow laughed heartily, grinning at his offspring from the rear view mirror. "That's the spirit! Lucky for you, you've got auntie Light and uncle Hope to take you!" Snow cooed, and he could almost feel the deadly aura radiating off of Lightning. He couldn't say he blamed her. He wondered how exactly he had allowed himself to get suckered into something like this.

_Oh yeah. It's because Light is here._

He startled at the revelation. So far neither of them had acknowledged the other, and Hope could feel his growing apprehension in the back of his throat in the form of a solid lump.

He found himself unable to form any words to say to her that didn't sound completely ridiculous or just plain desperate for her attention, so he opted to instead focus intently on Snow's rambling about which park rides were Claire's favourites, where to find the best food on the grounds, something about checking if the water park was open (although it probably wasn't), how he would be there to pick them up at the entrance around five P.M... yadda, yadda. Try as he did, he found himself unable to keep his eyes off of Lightning, staring at her slender arms clad in a leather jacket as she reclined in her seat, feet up on the dashboard and head lulled to the side. He couldn't see her facial expression from the angle, but he figured a potent scowl wouldn't be too far off the mark. He had no idea what he was going to even say to her once they were on their own.

Quicker than he had anticipated, the party had arrived at the amusement park and Snow had let them out in the drop off zone, kissing his kids on the cheeks in a gross display of affection that had Lightning mock retching, much to Hope's amusement. After a near tearful goodbye, Hope found himself hand in hand with the younger Claire and his free arm full of toddler as Snow's vehicle crept away slowly, almost as if it were reluctant to part. Hope blinked in the wake, a sudden gnawing apprehension taking hold of him from within. He turned to face Lightning, and was startled to see her looking upon him with a bemused expression. He nearly choked.

"Uh... So, Light-" He didn't have time to say anything to her before Claire squealed, jumping in place and causing Hope's arm to flap about wildly.

"Come on come on, don't just stand there! Let's go, I know where the daycare is. I wanna ride the rides! ALL of them!!" With that, Hope found himself nearly tripping over his own feet as the little girl rushed him into the fray. The time in which he registered the tickets that Snow had given them and dropped Lumina off at the daycare was a blur, and he had lost track of where Lightning had gone. His stomach dropped as he considered the thought that she very well could have left. She clearly had no interest in playing babysitter for the day, and was obviously not interested in participating in a theme park adventure to do just that. He thanked the staff member who took hold of Lumina, smiling down briefly at Claire before depositing the younger in a play room with a number of other toddlers. He left his phone number and personal information with the secretary before making his way out of the colourful office, Claire's small hand leading him with an assertion that reminded him of her original namesake.

Hope looked up finally and found himself staring directly into Lightning's steel blue eyes which were boring so hard into the skull he could nearly feel his neurons sizzling under the heat. He couldn't help the high pitched and rather unmanly gasp that escaped him. He hadn't expected her to be there at all, let alone so close.

"Hope, what the fuck?" She huffed, unimpressed and perhaps startled by his response. Her eyes flashed as she realized that she had just sworn in front of the kid, and Claire had stopped to stare up at the both of them, mouth open in shock. "I mean heck. Shit, sorry. Oh, fu- I didn't mean to- I meant... uh... darn." She fumbled, and Hope couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up and erupted out of him. He trailed off awkwardly as Lightning fixed him with a severe look, and he decided to instead stare down intently at his shoelaces.

"Sorry, I uh... thought you left?" He tried to defend himself, and mentally smacked himself when his voice wavered and he trailed off into a question. He was supposed to be a political leader, a person with a vast authority over a great number of people, and here he was reduced to sounding like a nervous and hormonal tween in front of his middle school crush.

Hope would have liked to imagine that Lightning's eyes had maybe softened at his admission, but she instead nodded curtly. Claire was beginning to vibrate once more with explosive energy and Hope mustered up all of the resolve in the world to steady himself and put on a good look, and that started with taking care of the kid.

"Alright, Claire... So where do you want to go firs-"

Hope found himself cut off for the upteenth time that morning when Claire squeezed his hand and squeaked at him with joy, dragging him off into a seemingly random direction. "This way!" To his complete and utter shock, Hope watched in amazement as Lightning grabbed the younger Claire by her other hand and offered a weak smile to the girl that looked closer to a grimace to the untrained eye. Claire looked briefly confused, but face was quickly overcome by joy and she bounced in delight. "Yay, auntie Lightie!"

Slowly, they made their way through a few rides that they were able to send Claire on by herself. It was fun and charming to watch Claire spin around on the Sizzler, shrieking with delight as she was whipped around in circles, her arms up in the air and red faced with laughter. It made Hope feel dizzy, but he couldn't help the warmth that seeped through into him and the smile that he found working it's way through his features. Sliding down the Helter Skelter had the girl grinning and Hope grinning right back at her, waving from his spot down on the ground. A few more rides passed and she was begging to go into the haunted house, and in a spur of the moment's joy, he had agreed to go in with her.

"I want auntie Light to come in too!" Claire piped up, hugging Lightning around the waist and looking up at her with endearingly big puppy eyes.

"Absolutely not." She replied without hesitation, prying the girl's arms off of her and ushering her back to Hope. The girl was relentless, however, simply spinning around and clinging right back onto Lightning.

"Please, please! I always wanted to meet you, I was hoping you wanted to meet me too and you would like me... I heard mommy saying we might not see you again so I really just wanna be with you while I can..." Claire whimpered and her eyes had grown teary, and was clinging especially hard now. Hope felt himself whither slightly. That confirmed it then - Lightning wasn't staying. Lightning's face had grown pale and her body stiff, and he was suddenly worried that she might lash out and shove Claire off of her and run. Her features slowly softened however, and as Claire buried her face into Lightning's pant leg, she finally nodded.

"I... okay. If that's what you want." She spoke softly, and Hope felt his heart growing heavy under the weight of affections for the woman. She never ceased to amaze him, and he felt as though he might burst.

"Yay! Thank you auntie! I love you!" The girl placed a chaste kiss to Lightning's thigh and grabbed her hand along with Hope's once more. He could have sworn Lightning's cheeks were tinged pink and she was smiling slightly, her eyes alight with affection. "Please hold my hands and don't let go, okay?"

"Okay." Hope and Lightning agreed in unison. With that, they entered the haunted house.

Hope was shocked at how dark it was on the inside as they made their way down spooky winding staircases and across a cold floor. The hallways were adorned with holographic art of various cartoony looking monsters which had Claire laughing as she raced them through the corridors of the attraction, Hope and Lightning hobbling to keep up. They crossed moving floors as well as a room with spinning walls, and Hope was impressed by Claire's resilience as she giggled and made faces back at all of the jumpscares. The haunted house went on for a long time before finally they arrived at a dark crawlspace leading to the final chambre. Claire eyed it nervously.

"I... I don't like small spaces... What if I get stuck?" She murmured, and Hope's brow furrowed in sympathy.

"Hey, hey..." Lightning cooed, and Hope felt his jaw drop slightly at the nurturing tone that she emitted. He had no idea she could sound so... so comforting and sweet. For a brief moment he was envious of the little girl, wishing that he were on the receiving end of Lightning's sweet and loving tone. "I'll go first, how about that? And I'll be there at the end to meet you. How does that sound?" She offered, and Claire nodded.

"But that means I'll have to let go of your hands..." She whimpered.

"Only for a moment. Then we can fix that right on the other side, okay?" The girl nodded once more. Hope was impressed by Lightning's resilience and willingness to initiate the physical contact. Almost... as if she liked it? Hlpe shook his head to clear the thought. It was settled.

Lightning crouched down and in a flash she was gone and had seemingly disappeared through the wall. Claire followed suit after, and Hope was the last to go. Once on the other side, Hope found himself in pitch black darkness, and for a moment he felt panicked, almost as if he had completely disappeared and fallen into nothingness. And then suddenly there was the flash of a projector lighting up some kind of deranged monster figure that sat behind glass in the room and a haunting shriek over the intercom. A jumpscare finale. And then Claire had screamed.

Hope instinctively moved to grab her. The flash of Light was brief but he had located her some feet away and swept in to grab her hand. "Claire!"

His hand met hers and he wasted no time in pulling her in close and flush to his body in a gesture of comfort and safety, although he was surprised at the amount of weight he pulled in towards him. Even doubly surprised at the height of the body that he had tightly embraced against him - soft hair brushed up against the sensitive and ticklish skin under his nose, carrying the scent of mint and dusty rose, and his arms fell into the slope of a well toned back where the young girl's head should have been. Hope nearly felt his heart stopping. This... was the wrong Claire.

He could feel a heart that was not his own hammering against his chest, and without thinking, he held the slender figure in his arms tighter, his original purpose of swooping in to save his best friend's' kid from the perils of the haunted house momentarily forgotten as he lost himself in the embrace. He almost felt as though in the dark he were invincible. Burying his face into her neck, Hope released a sigh of contentment. "Light..."

For a brief moment, he felt arms wrap around his midriff in return, pulling him closer than he could have had her on his own, and his heart soared - but just as soon as it had all started, he then felt himself shoved off and he fell backwards, only just managing to regain his balance before he fell ass-flat on the ground. He looked up, startled, only to find that the room was alight once more, and the exit had been revealed. Lightning had rushed over to Claire and was kneeling beside her once more, comforting her gently and she sniffled back the beginnings of tears.

"I didn't know where you went... I thought you said you would hold my hand on the other side..." She stammered, and Hope felt guilt wash over him. He had lost himself in the moment, clinging to Lightning when the little girl was beside herself with anxiety. Lightning must have thought he was some sort of tool. He made his way over awkwardly, but Lightning gave no indication of having shared the experience just moments ago.

"It's okay. We'll get some ice cream or something, how does that sound?" Lightning smiled to her and Claire's sorrows were instantly forgotten as she flashed a toothy grin back at her, sniffling one last time.

"Okay... I want cookie dough and smarties!"

-

The trio had decided to stop for lunch. Hope stuck a forkful of overpriced and mediocre salad into his mouth as he finished up texting a status update to Snow, who had replied with thumbs up and a grinning emoji. He had secretly snapped a picture of Lightning and Claire engrossed in their own meals to the kid's father, where Lightning was smiling sheepishly as she regarded the little girl wolfing down mouthfuls of food. Moving back to finish up his own meal, Hope scoffed as he took another bite; somehow, even the salad tasted salty.

He eyed Claire who was munching on a corn dog and nearly wretched at the amount of crystallized salt that coated it as she dipped it in ketchup. She had wanted it however, and Hope had no mind to refuse such a cute and endearing little girl - besides, gross as the park food may have been, she seemed to be enjoying it.

Lightning on the other hand had ordered a burger to which she had disposed of the grease soaked patty and instead stacked up with an absurd amount of lettuce, tomatoes, and other condiments from the condiment table. Admittedly, the fries were pretty good though, and she was willing to 'let' him share.

"Hope, look at you. You're tiny. Eat some fries." She had scoffed at him, shoving her paper plate of grease-soaked food over towards him. Hope grimaced.

"Uh... I'll pass." He smiled politely, but Lightning would have none of it.

"Hope, you've always been a scrawny twig, but this is absurd. You can't just live off of salad."

He smiled, clearing his throat. It was his time to shine. "Actually, I can. See, the spring mix is filled with vitamins A through C, and the dairy dressing has a vitamin D supplement. There's plenty of fibre and an assortment of other vitamins among the other toppings. There's protein in the egg slices I requested and I'm sure there's plenty enough sodium just in the atmosphere here to aid in my retention of ample fluids-"

He was cut off by a handful of fries being shoved into his open mouth. Half of them had missed however and were smushed into his cheek.

"Gods, Hope, you need carbs. You need more calories. You look like you would blow away in the wind." She retorted, unphased by his nutritional rant.

Hope nearly choked as he forced down the handful of fries that he involuntarily had stuffed into his mouth by Lightning, and wiped the remaining spud from his face, flashing her a pained look.

"Well what about you? You can't just eat junk like fries." He joked, and Lightning quirked her brows.

"I'm eating tomatoes and lettuce and bread. Seems pretty balanced for amusement park food to me." She mused. In the spur of the moment, Hope decided to make the foolish decision of throwing an undressed leaf of salad at her. It fell short and landed in her ketchup pile. She gave him a dry look, before gingerly picking it out, and throwing it with unnecessary force back at him. It landed on his shirt and the red liquid splattered in a few miscellaneous drops across his chest. Before either of them could say anything else, Claire had piped in, giggling.

"Auntie Light and Uncle Hope, you act just like mommy and daddy!"

The two of them looked at her and then at each other, and Lightning's mouth opened and closed a few times before she simply opted to not say anything. Hope could feel his cheeks colouring a slight tad. "We do? And why's that?"

"I dunno. Mommy and daddy always like to feed each other. And then they kiss!" She chirped, puffing out her lips in a mock kissy face. Hope felt the red in his cheeks deepen, and he swore he heard Lightning mutter 'gross' under her breath. Whether he meant it towards him or to Serah and Snow, he couldn't tell. He would have liked to think of it as the latter. Lightning wasted no time in changing the subject.

"Well, anyways. I'm done eating. Where to next?" She sounded suddenly too invested in getting a move on, and Hope narrowed his eyes in hurt.

Claire's eyes sparkled, and she vibrated lightly in her seat. "I wanna go on the Magic Boomerang!" She chirruped, and Hope nodded, briefly looking over at Lightning who appeared to be looking up the ride in the map book they had acquired at the entrance. It sounded harmless enough, cute even. The name resonated well with him - he had always had an affinity for boomerangs. "But I'm too small to go on by myself. I need an adult." She whimpered, and Hope smiled.

"Lucky for you you've got two to chose from! One Magic Boomerang, coming up-"

Hope barely had time to finish before Lightning had snapped the booklet shut and was looking at him urgently, her face pale, lip trembling. He halted, suddenly very confused as he looked back towards the younger Claire who was looking at him with a wicked light in her eyes. He suddenly felt very nervous and couldn't quite pinpoint why.

"You're the best, uncle Hopie! Not even daddy would go on with me!" She squealed happily. Hope looked back towards Lightning who was gazing at him with a look of horror.

Hope felt his stomach beginning to turn. He began to question his firm decision.

-

Ah. So that was the Magic Boomerang.

Hope released the younger Claire's hand, figuring it would be a better option than squeezing all of the life out of the poor girl's tiny, frail fingers. Participating in the haunted house was one thing - the monstrosity of the ride that stood before him was another.

"Lookie, lookie!" Claire squealed, squaring herself up against the ride information board. "See? It says I can ride as long as I have an adult." She chirped. Hope found himself too distracted by the other information on the board however to spare a look at the sizing chart. _Giga-Accelerator Coaster hybrid with inversions. Features 150 Km/H top speeds, a 100 metre high drop at an 80 degree angle, 1450m track, corkscrews, classic loops, and rolls. NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED._

Hope gulped.

"You uh... you're sure this... this is the one-"

"YEP!" Claire interrupted Hope and his heart sank straight into his stomach. He looked up at the sheer size of the coaster. He recalled seeing parts of it fenced away as they had made their way through the park, a train car passing by every so often. He hadn't even considered what ride it belonged to. He had no idea how the hell this thing fit indoors - looking up at the ceiling, he found his answer. A tall, clear dome suspended above him in a wide radius, allowing natural light to bathe the entirety of the park. Good Gods, who designed this? This was absolutely _nuts-_

He found himself jostled out of his thoughts by Claire dragging him into line, and stifled the urge to curl into a ball and weep. Yes, he was a scientist, he knew the safety statistics of roller coasters - as long as he followed all of the procedures, it was safer than being in any vehicle or ship. The track was fixed, nothing bad could possibly happen. He had driven airships and juggernauts in the old world, he could pilot nearly any vehicle at any altitude. No, it wasn't that. He wasn't exactly sure what it was about the roller coaster that scared him - perhaps the openness, or being secured only by a flimsy seat belt or metal bar, even though he knew the force of gravity would keep him secure. It just seemed so... unnecessary, to have himself hurtled at alarming speeds through the air and towards the ground at breakneck speeds, all for a cheap thrill.

"Lightning, uh... do you... maybe want to-"

"No."

"I uh... yeah. Figured." Hope found his voice trembling, and Lightning gave him a sympathetic look.  
"You're not scared, are you Hope?" She asked playfully, and Hope scowled defensively.

"No! Of course not. I mean, well... it is a big roller coaster though." He shook his head to dismiss the accusation. "Don't give me that look. Lucky you don't even have to go on it."

Before she could make a sharp retort, the ride attendant had approached. "NEXT!" He bellowed, and Claire ran into the barred zone, Hope trailing back uneasily. Before either of them could move to pick a car, however, the attendant had stopped them. "Woah, woah. Do you guys have a third person? It's three people per car, or you'll be paired with a stranger." The man chided. Claire looked back towards Lightning, whose face had grown pale.

"No way. I am not doing this." She immediately growled, and Claire moved over towards the bars, presumably to work her magic with the puppy face once more.

"Please! Please please please auntie! I want you to!" She begged, and Lightning shook her head.

"You're not scared, are you?" Hope cooed back at her with a smirk, and Lightning returned his stare with daggers.

The attendant chimed in, clearly bored with the ordeal. "Look lady, what's it gonna be? You're holding up the line."

Lightning opened her mouth, presumably to reject the offer, but Hope beat her to it. "She'll come!" He spoke impulsively, and she looked at him, too startled to object. The attendant opened the gate for her, ushering her in, and suddenly Lightning was standing with them.

"Hope, wha-" She didn't have time to speak before Claire had dragged them all over towards a car.

"It goes smallest sits on the right, tallest on the left. Organize yourselves accordingly." The attendant interrupted, and Hope instinctively grabbed the hands of the two Claire's simultaneously, helping the younger into the seat of the front car, before allowing Lightning to fall sort of haphazardly into the seat. Quickly, he sat down beside her and pulled down the bar, blocking the escape.

"Hope, what the hell! What was that for?" She spat at him, and he found himself gripping the bar with unnecessary force, his hands clammy.

"Look, I wasn't about to let you get out of this. If I'm getting suckered into this then you're going down with me." Hope spat back, barely recognizing as the attendant passed by to check that they were all set.

"You didn't-... Why did-... Gods, fuck you Hope! I've never been on one of these before!" She elbowed him harshly in the ribs, and from the force of the gesture, he finally noticed that she was actually shaking.

"Oh... oh. Lightning, I'm sorry, I didn't know-" Then the attendant started speaking.

"Hello-ooo riders!" He began in a sappy sounding, overly enthusiastic voice that made Hope cringe. "Welcome to the Magic Boomerang, Choboboco Park's fastest, tallest, craziest, most INSANE ride, not to mention the best! Let your worries leave you behind and your hearts soar through the sky!" The man drawled on, and finally, the ride started to inch forward up the initial slope. Lightning's face had turned white as a sheet. "Please keep your hands and feet inside the train at all times and remain seated until the coaster comes to a complete stop. Have a Chocoboco-tastic ride and enjoy the rest of your day at Chocoboco Park!"

Beside Lightning, Claire was bouncing in her spot. Lightning looked as if she were about to retch. "Hope, if we survive this, you better run for your life once we're outa here. You. Are. In for it." The ride climbed higher and higher, and Hope could feel his heart about to burst from his chest. The people on the ground seemed like little ants, and when he looked up, he was surprised to find they had already ascended to the top. Instinctively he pulled Lightning in a little closer. And then he figured - he didn't have much time left before she would be gone from his life once again. He had to make the moment count. Taking a chance, he pried his sweaty hand away from the bar and looped his arm through Lightning's before grabbing at the bar once more. Lightning turned, to him, eyes alight with shock, and opened her mouth to speak. But then the coaster had dropped, and her words were cut off with a scream as they fell fast and hard towards the ground. Somewhere in the distance, Hope could hear the shrieking giggles of Lightning's niece having the time of her life.

-

"Look! Look at the moogles!" Claire yowled with delight, running up to a game stand in excitement. A few more rides had passed without incident, other than the fact that Lightning was now no longer speaking to him. To his amusement and simultaneous peril, she had remained dead silent for the duration of the ride after her initial fit of screaming. Hope had screamed mercilessly into her ear as the ride ensued, and he had kept his eye closed for the majority of it, tears streaming down his face from the biting force of the wind, squeezing Lightning's arm underneath his elbow. After what had seemed like an eternity, the ride had ended, and true to her word, Hope was in for it on the ground. She had punched him in the arm, in front of the kid no less, who giggled and batted playfully at his legs as well as if to cheer on her namesake.

It had been a light punch for her standards, but Hope's arm was still feeling sore after the next few rides, and Lightning had taken to now giving him the silent treatment, leaving him fully aware of her disapproval. He had sheepishly tried to apologize several times, to which she had ignored him. Hope was getting desperate.

Following after Claire, the object of interest came into sight. Several toy moogle replicas hung suspended over a carnie booth, along with some smaller chocobos and cactuars.

"Please, can I try?" The girl asked, and Hope nodded. Why not?

"Yeah, sure." He agreed, handing over the carnie some spare change, which he accepted with a smirk. Lightning hung back, observing quietly with her arms crossed. Her eyes held a peaked interest, and when he followed her line of sight, he noticed her staring at the moogles. "Actually, I'd also like to try, if that's alright." He decided aloud, dishing out more of his pocket change.

"Sure thing." The carnie grinned, and this caught Lightning's attention. "Okay, here's what ya do. You got five rings and all these bottles, aye?" The man gestures behind him where several rows of bottles sat glistening. "And so ya get five rings each for ya money that ya gotta toss and make the bottles. One gets a cactuar, two gets a choco, and ya gotta get five outa five in one go for the moogle, capeesh?" Hope nodded, taking five rings each for him and Claire.

And then they began.

Claire began haphazardly throwing her rings - the first of which completely overshot every bottle and landed on the ground outside the stand. "Oops!" She giggled, before trying again. She actually landed a bottle.

"Good job." Hope smiled to her. "One more and you could get a chocobo!"

She did just that. The next three she in fact missed - the rings fell between the bottles - but her final ring made its way around the necks of the bottles. She gasped in delight as the carnie handed her down a chocobo.

"Yay! I did it, look!" She cheered, and Lightning actually managed to crack a smile at her.

"Congrats, kid."

Hope grinned nearly maniacally. It was his turn. Moving back to face the bottles, he pinch-gripped his first ring, weighing it in his hand. The carnie smiled knowingly at him, as if he knew what Hope was after and how unlikely it would be that he would ring five bottles in one go.

What the carnie didn't know was that Hope had been a national boomerang throwing champion back in the old world, and that he had never lost that special touch.

The carnie stood slack jawed as in quick succession, Hope ringed five separate bottles, each beside the other. He chanced a look at Light, who was purposefully looking away from him. He frowned.

"WE HAVE A WINNER!!!" Shouted the carnie, pulling down an oversized moogle, which he thrust into Hope arms. He was impressed by the quality of the toy - it was soft and plush and lifelike, wreathed with a collar of longer, silky fur around its neck and embroidered facial features. He thanked the worked before making his way over to Lightning and Claire. He noticed that Claire was staring at him with wide eyes, and he immediately felt guilty. In all honesty, he was going to give the doll to Lightning, but then recalled that Claire originally had wanted a moogle instead. He was about to give it to the younger instead when suddenly she had spoken.

"Mommy said that auntie Light used to have a toy moogle when she was little because she always really liked them." She spoke innocently and Lightning turned to her, alarmed and flush. "I don't know. I like chocobos better, actually. So I'm really happy with mine!"

Lightning looked away, and Hope smiled. Claire smiled up at him, her eyes twinkling almost as if she was aware of the deeper meaning in the situation. Hope stood awkwardly holding the moogle plush, suddenly unsure of what to do with himself.

"Well? Aren't you gonna give it to her?" Claire pouted, and Hope nearly choked on his own spit before quickly thrusting the plush toy into Lightning's arms. The kid was clever, he could say that much.

"Hope, you didn't have to-"

"I'm sorry I forced you into going on that ride. It wasn't my intention to make you uncomfortable or corner you or anything. I just... I wanted to spend time with you. I'm sorry." He rushed, his face growing hot.

"Hope-"

"I want you to be comfortable around me. I don't want to be unpredictable - I want to be your constant. I... I'd do anything to make you stay here. With me... But I already know that's not what you want, and I respect that... I just... I wanted to give you something to keep with you when you go that might remind you of... of... m-me..." He trailed off, cutting short his rambling. Lightning was looking at him, shocked, and Hope could feel his cheeks deepening in colour. "I, uh... Sorry. That was probably too much. I'm sorry. Just, uh... forget it..." He mumbled, turning away. "Err... Snow will be here soon. We should start heading back." Hope mused, grasping Claire's hand and moving away without looking back at Lightning. From the corner of his eyes, the last he saw was her clutching the moogle toy slightly closer towards her as she kept a slight distance between the two in front.

-

In a mirrored event of the earlier morning, the time spent picking up Lumina from the daycare and meeting with Snow was a blur. Hope vaguely registered Snow's comment about Claire's chocobo and Lightning's moogle, which he had reached out to touch, but had thought better of when Lightning flashed him a dire look. He also made a registry of Lightning passing by him on the way to the car and muttering 'we need to talk' before the two stepped back into their respective seats. Hope felt exhausted and weary. He wanted nothing more than to just go home and sleep away all of his worries. Maybe if he was lucky he just wouldn't wake up. Clearly just as tired, Lumina and Claire had passed out in their car seats. To avoid conversation, Hope opted to feign sleep as well - with eyes closed, he instead found himself engulfed in dread.

We need to talk. Gods, they weren't even dating - the consequences could only be much worse. He had fucked up a lot in just one day, saying the wrong things, letting his emotions get the better of him. It was only the second day of Lightning's visit home and he had completely blown it. _She's never going to want to speak to me ever again. She's going to leave and never come back here. I ruined it for everyone again, as usual._

He stifled a whimper, his fist clenching violently at his sides until he was sure his knuckles would be stretched white.

He faked his sleep until he heard Snow calling out to him. He opened his eyes and pretended to yawn, and Lightning's intense stare in his direction didn't go unnoticed. "Heya sleepyhead, welcome back to the land of the living. We're in your driveway." He flashed a big smile. "I was gonna invite you over for drinks, but Light said you weren't feeling so hot so I opted to just bring you home. Thank you so so much for watching the kids today. I owe ya one."

Hope nodded sombrely. "Yeah, no problem Snow... Glad to help." He smiled before climbing over the cars eats and out the door. _He's not feeling well._ Hope's heart sank. Apparently Lightning didn't even want him in her living space. It figured. He briefly wondered when their scheduled 'talk' was supposed to happen, but didn't dwell on it, instead waving to the two in the car. Lightning's gaze never wavered until Hope finally found himself behind the safety of his own door once again.

He fell heavily into the wooden frame, watching as the headlights of the car reflected in the windows eventually faded and turned away, and the noise of the car engine was no longer there. Slowly, he slid down, grasping his face tightly in his hands, until he was crouched in on himself in front of the door.

Hope cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG CHAPTER AGAIN it was originally longer... I cut it in half! Otherwise it was 10000+ words, yikes! So if it cuts off abruptly, I'm so sorry 8I;;  
> sorrryyyy for how LATE this is!! i'm back at school + maintaining a part time job which really cuts short my writing time D8;; next one should be sooner though because it's already nearly done though <3


	10. Dear

Lightning hadn't been lying when she had warned Hope that he was in for it. She at least had the decency to wait until the kid was out of sight to give him a piece of her mind, however - or whatever you would happen to call it. This felt more akin to psychological torture.

Hope didn't know how long he just sat against the doorframe, be it just a few moments or hours, his head in his knees, before he finally stood up to remove his coat and boots. He was halfway into the kitchen when there was a knock at the door.

He almost ignored it, fully aware of who was awaiting him on the other side. But he ignored his lapse in judgement, instead moving to open the door. Somewhere along the way, it had grown to be dark out.

Lightning was clad in mostly the same clothes as before - leather jacket, duffel bag, strappy black combat boots. The only difference was she now adorned a red scarf for the oncoming night chill. Hope sighed and braced himself for what was to come. In unison, they both seemed to take a breath which they did not release. It seemed like an eternity before one of them had spoken.

"Hello," said Hope.

Great start. Now it was her turn.

"I wanted to thank you for the moogle."

Well, that hadn't been what he had expected.

"The... moogle?" He deadpanned, unable to wipe the stupid face of confusion he was sure that must have been adorning his face. Lightning looked baffled.

"Uh. Yeah... the moogle that you won me earlier. And you gave me that sappy speech over." She mocked, her lips twitching slightly. Hope stiffened.

"Listen, I am so sorry about that, I know it was totally inappropriate and I regret it so much... It was really stupid. I'm sorry."

"You... regret it?" Lightning's calm features had suddenly hardened. "So you didn't mean what you said?"

Hope gulped, feeling cornered. He was well aware of the heat that was escaping through the door and into the night chill by holding the door open, but letting Lightning in right then felt much akin to allowing a wolf into his home. "Er... well, yes I meant it, every single word, but I know it's probably not what you wanted to hear and made you uncomfortable and I'm so sorry for that..."

She seemed to visibly relax at the admission. "I see." Lightning said thoughtfully, suddenly appearing nervous. "If it's allright, could I come in? I have some things to ask you, but... only if you're comfortable with that."

There was no other way around it now. He stepped aside in wordless acceptance of her request, and she stepped passed the threshold into his domain.

"So," he began nervously, "what brings you here?"

She hummed in response, removing her boots. "I have a very direct question to ask you. Is that okay?"

He nodded once, but she was too focused on her boots to see the gesture. "I... yes, I suppose. What is it?" Truth be told, he had wanted to say no. He didn't want to know.

Suddenly she was up and pressed very close up against him. "What do you feel for me? And I mean honestly. I want to hear it directly from you."

The question caught Hope off guard, to say the least. "What?"

"You love me, I know that. But why? Since when? How? You've not directly said it to me yet."

"Where is this coming from?"

She fixed him with a suddenly very fierce and icy stare. "I asked first."

"You said it yourself, you already know." Hope stammered, his hands growing hot and clammy.

"Then it shouldn't be hard for you to say."

"What do you want from me?"

"An answer."

"But wh-"

"Hope." She spoke flatly, and he felt his mouth growing dry. Finally, he let out the shaky breath that he held caged within - he felt as if an invisible force had its hands around his throat and he could no longer breathe.

"Yes. You're right. You're right, Lightning. I love you, okay?" He threw his arms out at the admission, feeling inexplicably vulnerable. "I love you. Since our days as l'Cie. You... at first you were just a role model. I needed someone to protect me... I needed someone to teach me to be strong. But as I journeyed with you, as I began to see you for what you really were. It all started when you gave me your survival knife. I thought you were just being nice, pitying me. But then later... when Snow saw it, the look in his eyes said everything. He was so shocked that you would allow me to have something that was so... so precious to you. And then when we met up with you again, you hugged me. You promised to protect me. And more than anything, I wanted to protect you too. After that is... it never went away. My feelings never once changed for you, Light."

She was looking at him with a mix of awe and pity, and Hope looked away.

She hummed once more. "And there's no way I could get you to change your mind, is there?"

"Nothing. I... I love you, Lightning. More than anything. And for that, I'm so, so sorry."

Lightning struck, and she struck venom in the form of a harsh, sparkling kiss to his maw. Hope snapped back in confusion, almost as if the touch had left a searing electrical burn upon his lips.

"Light, what are you-" Then she was on him again, not allowing him to finish. Her lips were chapped but soft on his, yet he was far too flustered to reciprocate. He felt nauseated and weak, longing to come to from the bizarre dream he must have been experiencing. Shame punctured through into his gut, resonating from his very core at how easily such a small gesture had enraptured him, as if she had set fire to his veins and her touch was all that could prevent him from burning up into a fine dust, lost to the atmosphere. The feeling of her breath ghosting across his cheek as she pulled back, the sweet yet carnal scent of her when she was so close to him, even the chapped skin of her lips being on him for hardly just a moment; he found himself lost in oblivion, as if he had been ripped from existence itself and suspended in all that was _her_. Desire consumed him and he willed, begged his subconscious to lay it down, pleading for the heat pooling in his stomach and into regions more intimate to _please subside_. If this were some sort of delusioned fabrication of reality, he hoped he would never wake. Yet the uncertainty halted him. If he were to act, would the dream shatter? What if it were all real, would she bolt?

Lightning moved away from him, uncertainty dancing about fleetingly in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I don't... I don't know what came over me-"

He cut her off with a kiss back onto her lips. His cheeks felt damp and his eyes blurry, and with a heavy blink that dislodged thick drops from his lashes, he realized he was once again crying. "I've missed you so much, Light. I've missed you so, so much. I want you to stay. Is that wrong? Is that cruel of me?" His voice cracked on the last note. "I love you so much, Lightning. I'll do whatever you want. If you want to leave and be alone, I'll stay behind. But I need you to tell me. I need to know what you want."

"What I want and what I need are two very different things." She admitted, and Hope could feel his desolate fervor threatening to engulf him. In his desperation, he grappled onto her arms, looking her directly in the eyes, willing his sincerity to make its way unto her.

"Then what are those things? Please tell me."

"Well," she spoke hesitantly. "The things I need... are to be alone. By myself." Hope felt his heart plummet. "But what I want..." She gingerly thumbed up and down his arms, stepping closer. Hope held his breath.

She moved forward until she had closed the distance between them, matching their lips together in a softer, gentler embrace than before. Hope closed his eyes instinctively, mentally capturing the moment within his mind to reflect on later - but for the moment, he allowed himself to be overtaken by feeling. She tilted her head into him, capturing his bottom lip between her own, applying a light pressure. He didn't know long they stayed in the embrace, be it just a fraction of a second or many - but she withdrew herself from him just moments after, and Hope couldn't help the whimper of disappointment that escaped from his throat. Her lips twitched upwards as she regarded him with a bemused expression, before lifting her hand to cup his cheek delicately. He relaxed into it, letting out a sigh of contentment.

"A selfish part of me wants to stay here... to be with you. To burden you with my life, my sorrows, my grief... I want to share that with you. I want to stay." She breathed out a trembling sigh as she continued. "I just... I want your love for myself. It's selfish, but I do. And..." She moved her thumb across his cheek gingerly. "I want to learn how to repay those feelings back to you."

"...You don't have to repay anything back to me."

"Oh, but I do. I really do." She replied, and the darker edge to her voice made Hope flinch. Then she kissed him again. With each succession, Hope could feel himself losing parts of himself. Time and time again he wanted more of her. Was this some kind of cruel joke? He felt sick and intoxicated, and his eyes blurred once more as she pulled away from him. "I'm selfish. I want you all to myself, Hope. I want to carve my name into you and take you all for my own." Hope felt his breath catch in his throat.

"Light..." He found himself at a loss for words. Moving forward, he embraced her tightly, burying his face into her neck. He realized that he was trembling, but could find no will to stop his body from succumbing to the weight of his fears and pain. She lifted her arms to hold tightly around the small of his back and he couldn't stop the whimper that escaped his lips and into their surrounding atmosphere.

"Hope?" She didn't have time to form a coherent sentence before she was pushed backwards with Hope following suit over onto the couch. He curled up over her, legs gripping tightly around her midriff and pulled her head in tight against him. His heart leapt in his chest when she adjusted herself closer and she planted a kiss onto his neck.

"I need you to tell me what I should do." He whispered into her. "Do I comply with your wants or with your needs?"

"I just... I don't know anymore." She sighed. "I just want to feel loved. I want to feel needed. But those aren't the things that... that _I_ need."

"Lightning," Hope whispered tentatively into her neck and her breath hitched. "I can't think of a single person who needs love in this world more than you do."

"Hope, giving me your love will destroy you. I'm not worth your time."

He sighed, laughing slightly. "You're a thousand years late with that statement. You'll never talk me out of it."

"Is it... wrong of me to want to stay? Here I am, and I can't even give you back what you give to me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say those words back to you. And yet... Hope..." She moved back, her deep blue eyes swimming with emotion as they met his.

"Hope, I just... I want to be with you. I want... I want your love more than anything. Can... can you show me what... what it's like?"

Hope never in a million years thought he might hear those words uttered out of her lips. Who was he to deny her but what she wished?

He rose from the couch in a swift motion, hooking his arms underneath the small of her back to hoist her into an upright position on the couch, before kneeling down on the ground himself and seating himself between her thighs. His hands never left her back, and from his position on the floor, he was able to nuzzle his head up under her chin, his eyes squeezed shut, skin still moist from the aftermath of his tears. He pulled himself back only far enough that he could crane his head back to look her in the eyes from his lowly position. He stroked her back with nimble, faint strokes, lightly tracing over the definitions of hard muscle that lay seated under supple skin. To his bewilderment and awe, he felt his own muscles tense and shudder when she leaned forward into his touch, her back arching and breath hitching just ever-so-slightly.

The next words she uttered had nearly ripped him to the ground retching.

"I just wish I could be a better person... a person worthy of your affections."

In that moment, something inside him broke.

"Good Gods, Lightning... There's no improvement that you need to make!" He nearly wailed. Would this never end? Was there no way out of her eternal self loathing loop? "There's nothing wrong with you, not with your personality, your morals, your thoughts, nothing! You're human!" He shouted, exasperated. "You think you're the worst thing to ever have happened to me and yet to me, you're the best. None of this is anything you have to deal with on your own. Honestly, it's about fine time someone showed you just how important and cherished and loved you are. Lightning, I want you. I need you. Good Gods, I need you more than anything." He shook his head, banishing the remains of his tears back behind his closed eyelids.

"You want me?" She asked, her brows furrowed in confusion. "Hope, what are you...?"

"Lightning, I can't make it any clearer. I love you. I'm _in_ love with you. I need you... I want- I want to give myself to you. But, I can only do that if you want me too. I... love you, so much."

"Hope, how can I accept your love when I can't even return your feelings? How can I possibly be that selfish?" She cried out and Hope flinched at the pain in her voice. "What the hell do I do?" She whispered.

"Do... do you truly..." Hope gulped, feeling his resolve draining out of him like a broken tap. "Do you truly feel nothing for me?"

Lightning shook her head, and Hope only just managed to stop himself from reeling back in shock when she reached out to grasp at the sides of his face, turning him back to look at her. "Hope, Gods, Hope, Hope... I feel... so much for you. About you. I want you. I want to be around you. Goddess Etro, I want to beg you to stay with me. I don't want to let you go, Hope. But I could never ask that of you." She looked away, and Hope felt his mind racing as he tried to process what she was saying. "I don't know what love is. I don't even know if I'm capable of feeling such a thing. When I look at Vanille and Fang, Serah and Snow... I don't think I could ever show somebody love like that." She gulped audibly, clearly having to push herself to go on. "All I do is take and take from others. It's all I've ever done. Everyone who has ever loved or cared for me... All of the pain I put them through... I was never able to repay a thing. I was never able to show it back. My heart is just... a stone cold brick of ice."

She sighed, trembling. She was no longer grappling onto him, but Hope hardly noticed. He was far to mesmerized by Lightning's admission. "But I want... I need... I... I'm ashamed of how much I need you in my life, Hope. I... if it had been anyone else on that night who had found me, I don't think I would have come back. But since it was you... In one fell swoop you crushed all of my resolve." She admitted, and Hope recalled instantly the harsh moment in which he had stood in Lightning's home in Noveau Bresha where she had told him she would never come back. The thought pained him, even with Lightning - the real Lightning - sitting right in front of him, currently allowing him to see a part of her that as far as he knew had never shown face before.

His heart began to race in realization and for the first time that night, he managed to produce a smile.

"Hope... " She whispered, her eyes swimming with grief, clearly not understanding his revelation. "I... I'm so sorry."

"Lightning... you care about me."

She looked at him incredulously, her eyes blazing. "We're partners, Hope. I care about you significantly more than most people." She sighed. "But I clearly don't show it in a way that could ever compare to what you feel for me. I've wasted your time."

"Yes. We're partners." He shook his head at her self deprecating comment, grinned at her, and in a burst of confidence, pulled her close to plant a kiss on her nose. She blinked at him, startled by his chance in demeanor. "What you described might not be conventional love, but... you care about me, Lightning. And in comparison to what's regular for you, that goes a long way." He hummed thoughtfully. "You will only be miserable if you compare your life experiences to those around you. Everyone experiences life in a way that is unique and incomparable to others."

Lightning's eyes widened, and she moved back slightly from him. "Even things like..."

"Like love." He finished, unable to conceal the grin that was taking hold of his lips.

She looked uncertain. "I... I don't know, Hope... I don't think I can commit to something so... so intimate as being... together, in that sense-"

He halted her stammering before she could go on. "I would never force anything onto you that you didn't want."

"It's not that I don't want it." She murmured, and Hope couldn't hide his surprise. "I just... I don't have experience with these kinds of things. I don't even know what I'm going to do now. But..."

"But?"

"Hope... is it selfish if I ask you to be mine? Exclusively. Even if we're not... together in that sort of sense."

He gazed at her, unsure of whether to be elated or baffled at the suggestion. "I'm... not quite sure what you mean?"

She moved forward and kissed him again, and the inner workings of his mind seemed to instantaneously short-circuit. This kiss was different than the others however in that Hope found himself nearly reliving the instance from six years ago in their once shared kitchen. His lips instinctively parted when he felt Lightning's own fit against his, her mark clear as she took him for her own. Hope found his breath sucked out of him like a vacuum as Lightning sweetly ravaged his lips, her arms moving forward to grip him around the shoulders. His hands moved to cup her petite frame and he dug his fingers into the hem of her sweater when she experimentally flicked her tongue across his bottom lip. Parting his lips slightly more, he suppressed a full body tremor as their tongues slipped alongside each other, his mind blanking and stomach reeling in blissful feelings. She surprised him when she moved her arms down his back, hoisting him up off the floor and he broke the kiss only long enough to climb up on top of her before she pulled him back into her, patience cast aside as she heatedly claimed him, arms gripping him tightly as she held him flush to her. Hope pulled away with a gasp when something in his lower regions had stirred, and he tried to pry himself away before his embarrassing situation could draw any attention, however Lightning refused to let go. She peppered his face in gentle kisses, and Hope could only relax into the gesture, bring his own arms around to draw her in closer, dilemma momentarily forgotten.

But then she had withdrawn and gazed upon him, eyes flickering down and across his disheveled appearance, hair amuck and clothes wrinkled and bunched up, pants significantly tighter pressed in _one particular area_ \- oh, shit. He looked away in a futile effort to hide the flush that had taken up residence on his face, but Lightning would have none of it. Through hooded lids, she spoke the words that undid him permanently.

"You're mine, Hope." And she kissed his nose before flashing him the tiniest hint of upwards turned lips. "All of you. And I..." She paused, closing her eyes briefly, before fixing him with a piercing stare.

"And I'm yours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter compared to the last, but they were originally one big one so!! WELL 8P  
> readers: KUMO! I can't believe it! Did you actually have a slight bit of the key conflict be slightly resolved? And minimal heartbreak in this one?  
> Kumo: :)  
> readers: WOW! there's hope for us yet! Maybe there'll even be a smut scene soon! It's finally going uphill!  
> Kumo: :)  
> readers: Nothing more terrible could possibly happen!  
> Kumo: :) :) :)
> 
> anyways, so happy to finally get to the point where these two are """together""" if that's what you'll call it but Lightning isn't so cool with the "dating" thing just yet.... soon 8P;;  
> This story does focus a lot on stubbornness in self-destructive behaviours and is hopefully relatable to at least some readers in that sense! This story is honestly based upon my own personal experience with living with varied personality disorders and finding the will to turn that "resolve" around on itself to work towards a healthier life outlook. Definitely trying to keep it from being preachy but hey! I can't help it, I want my lovely readers to love themselves <3  
> More in depth on the advice from this chapter:  
> People telling you that you shouldn't feel sad or upset because some people might have it worse than you is complete BS, not gonna lie. Everyone experiences things differently and has a different threshold for things they can tolerate and what-not; that is to say, what might be a breeze for one person might leave deep rooted scars in another. Expecting yourself to simply move on from things that bother you or act more "normal" is extremely detrimental to your own health and is a very self destructive mindset! It is important to allow yourself lenience and not beat yourself up over your own shortcomings, just because your peers might be having a better off time than you. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Comparing experiences to others just isn't fair because everyone experiences a situation differently. Be kind to yourself! You are unique are your experiences and boundaries deserve respect. Traumatic experiences aren't a competition of who has it "worse off" and is more entitled to being upset about it. Never let anyone tell you what should and shouldn't make you upset because fuck that it's not up to them >8I;;  
> SORRY TO GET ALL PREACHY anyways I love all of my readers!! Stay safe always guys <3

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this fic is a go after all 8'D;; excuse the boring first chapter, had to establish some good ol' background! If you're looking for a cute fluffy fic with no angst then turn back now, after this first chapter the going's gonna get a little more rough.... hehe |D I don't consider myself a good writer but hopefully this won't be too unbearable. I'm always open to suggestions. Won't get better if I don't practice right?


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